I was going to visit Hawaii & asked my local Rabbi, who I knew lived there for a few years, whether it is pronounced Hawayee or Havaiee . He said Havaiee .
I said thanks & he said your velcome.
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I was going to visit Hawaii & asked my local Rabbi, who I knew lived there for a few years, whether it is pronounced Hawayee or Havaiee . He said Havaiee .
I said thanks & he said your velcome.
A man walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He tells the bartender, "Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off, "Whoo up there buddy, you only get ONE shot."
And for those now au fait with eminem/ rap culture:
A young boy is riding his new bicycle on Christmas morning.
A mounted policeman trots up to the kid, stops him, and says
"Did you get that bike for Christmas, son?"
“Yes I did officer” repies the kid
"Well next year tell santa to give you a helmet too... " as he then hands the kid a $55 ticket.
The kid, a little dejected pipes up:
"Did santa give you that horse for Christmas, officer?"
Amused, the cop has an authoritative chucks and says "Yes, he did."
Then the kid continues "Well next year tell santa to put the dick below the horse and not on top."
Q: Is Google male or female?
Scroll down.
A: Female. You can't even finish a sentence before it makes a suggestion!
Suffering here with a bad case of "Bacon Flu"
It started out as Swine Flu, but I think I may have been cured.
A Polish man goes to the motor registry to renew his license. The clerk sits him down and gives him an eye sight test.
The first line is displayed, which the man easily reads.
The second line is also a breeze.
Finally the clerk shows him the last line, with tiny little letters spelling 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the clerk asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy exclalims, 'I know the guy!'
I just rang Alcohol Concern to tell them I was running drastically short of beer in my fridge.
They're quite rude, aren't they?
How many social workers does it take to change a light globe?Quote:
Originally Posted by VladTepes
One, but the light globe has to want to change
Old Beryl is leaving the recreation room at he nursing home on her mobility scooter when know it all Fred jumps in front and says "I need to see your Driver License". Beryl looks in her handbag and pulls out yesterdays Bingo ticket and gives it to him "OK you can go now".
She no sooner gets going when old Norm jumps in front and says "I need to see the registration for that vehicle". Once again Beryl delves into her handbag and this time finds an old prescription for blood pressure pills. Norm has a look and says "OK off you go".
Off she goes again and as she rounds the corner there is Cyril with his old fella hanging out of pants. Beryl says
"Not the Breathalyzer again".
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping
for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally
found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started
to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles for a moment, gaining the strength to ask again, "Nurse... please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that the undue stress might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds him in one hand and gently inspects his testicles with the other.
She looks very closely and says, "Sir, there's nothing wrong with them, they look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"