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Heaven vs. Hell
In Heaven:
the cooks are French ,the policemen are English, the mechanics are German,the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss.
In Hell
:the cooks are English ,the policemen are German ,the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.
Oh well.. It could be worse I suppose.
What's Purgatory like?
Let me guess; The Cooks are Swiss, the Police are Italian,the Mechanics are English, the lovers are Greek:eek2:, the Bankers are German and the Government are French.
Italian police:
"You have the right to remain silent *puts on handcuffs* "
...and not a single word was spoken...
My wife is Swiss and a good cook!Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppabillytea
https://media.istockphoto.com/photos...sf_u6VGxmaaPs=
Nowt wrong with a Swiss roll, eh Ron?
Little Johnny was late back to class after lunch. When the teacher asked him where he had been, he said "I had to go to the toilet to **** miss".
The shocked teacher replied "urinate Johnny, urinate. That is the correct and proper word to use. For your homework tonight, you will learn to use the word urinate in a sentence, and you will tell us all that sentence in the morning".
Next morning, the teacher asked Johnny if he had done his homework, and could he demonstrate the use of the word "urinate" in a sentence.
Johnny stood up and proudly said - "Yes Miss - my dad says urinate, and if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten".
Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby - but there was a problem. The poor little fella was born without ears.
Johnny and his mum went to visit the neighbors and their new baby when they got home. Before they got there, Johnny's mum warned him not to mention anything about the baby's ears, or he would be in big trouble and be spanked.
Johnny looked in the baby's cot and said "What a lovely baby. Lovely feet, lovely hands, lovely soft skin. How's his eyesight ?"
The baby's mother thanked Johnny and told him that her baby's eyesight was perfect.
"That's good" replied Johnny, "because he'll be ****ed if he needs glasses".
I've Been Banned from Woolworths
Yesterday I went down to the local Woolworths store to buy a large bag of My Dog doggy biscuits for our dog.
I was in the queue waiting to go through the checkout, when the woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - a bloody elephant.
So, since I am now retired and have time on my hands, I replied to her: No, I didn't have a dog. I was starting on the Dog Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost ten kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet, and the way it works is you load your pockets with My Dog biscuits and simply eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and the diet works well, and now that I am retired and need to lose a bit of weight, I was going to give the diet another try.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was listening in to the discussion and they were enthralled with my story.
Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in hospital because the dog food had poisoned me. I replied: No - I had stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse, and a car hit me.
I thought the bloke behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. And now, I'm banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people - they have all the time in the world to come up with disturbing answers to stupid questions ............
Well, I'm in the local hospital ................. again - 😣
Today was not a good day.
I decided to go horse riding today as I haven't been for a while. It turned out to be a big mistake!!! I got on the horse and it started out slowly, then it started to speed up; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse can go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop! Finally the manager of Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. And then he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the elephant.
Thats not a joke its merely people's ignorance...Quote:
Originally Posted by 67hardtop
A joke is buying a new... Holden, Ford, VW or Mercedes..... each time I see a new one I do laugh...