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Thread: Jokes

  1. #501
    RichardK is offline ChatterBox Silver Subscriber
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    Tetanus Shot

    An 84 yr old man got up and put on his coat.


    His wife says ' Where are you going?'

    He said 'I am going to the doctor'

    She said ' are you sick?'


    He said 'No.I'mgoing to get me some of those new viagra pills'

    So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

    He said 'Where are yougoing?'

    She said 'I'm going to the doctor too‘
    He said 'why?'


    She said 'If you're gonna start using thatrusty old thing,I'm gonna get a

    tetanus shot'
    RichardK

    Series IV Matrix Offroad Camper following our Discovery 3 with E Diff, BAS Remap, Mitch Hitch, Uniden UHF, Codan NGT HF, Masten TPMS, Proquip Compressor Guard, ARB Winch Bar, Milemarker Hydraulic Winch, 4x4 Intelligence Rear Wheel Carrier, VMS GPS with Rear Camera,

  2. #502
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    Quote Originally Posted by RonMcGr View Post
    Got this one by E-mail, thought is was disgusting, but the detailed description made me laugh!!

    As I'm away and a Jaguar Drivers club run for three days, I won't hear the "adverse comments"

    **************************

    A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.



    After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:



    A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.







    "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you slam the lime juice."



    So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.



    He puts the salt on his tongue... Salty but OK.



    He drinks the shot of Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.



    He thinks...this is OKAAAAAY!



    Finally he picks up the lime juice and slams it.



    In one second the sharp lime taste hits.



    At two seconds the Baileys curdles.



    At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.



    At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.



    This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.



    When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Holy ****, what do you call that drink?"



    She smiles angelically at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."



    **

  3. #503
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    [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
    He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
    wondering what could have happened to her.
    Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
    couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
    The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
    really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
    'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
    The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
    Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
    reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
    of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
    the good news is.
    The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
    really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
    brought you your share.'
    He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
    five crabs in it.
    'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
    that... So what's the other possible good news?
    'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
    here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and[/font]
    [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']pull her up again![/font]
    130's rule

  4. #504
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  5. #505
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    Didn't happen without pics.

    Cheers
    Simon

  6. #506
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    WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!


    Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
    'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as
    a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

    'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
    'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
    I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
    130's rule

  7. #507
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    Now it's about time that I submit something to this thread... well then:

    Four blokes and a woman are stuck in a lift

    While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

    The first bloke says, 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...

    ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful,

    Intelligent, Ecologist.''

    The second bloke says, 'I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you

    know...''Double Income, No Kids Yet. '

    The third one says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you

    know...''Rich, Urban, Biker. '

    The fourth bloke says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you

    know...'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

    They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What

    are you?''

    She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know...

    Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.''
    Johannes

    There are people who spend all weekend cleaning the car.
    And there are people who drive Discovery.

  8. #508
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    ...and another one:

    A man was sitting on a Sydney train eating a bag of fresh shrimp,
    ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

    After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him said,
    "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

    "Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid
    my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this
    train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the
    window and eating the shrimp. Finally he finished the bag and settled
    back for a little sleep.

    The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he
    was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

    After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop
    that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

    "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've paid my fare
    and I'll do what I want on this train."

    At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the
    window.
    The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

    The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for
    that!"

    To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after the
    police smell your fingers."
    Johannes

    There are people who spend all weekend cleaning the car.
    And there are people who drive Discovery.

  9. #509
    RichardK is offline ChatterBox Silver Subscriber
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    A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
    Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

    'What does that mean?' asked the child.

    'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
    I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

    He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
    'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

    Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'


    The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
    RichardK

    Series IV Matrix Offroad Camper following our Discovery 3 with E Diff, BAS Remap, Mitch Hitch, Uniden UHF, Codan NGT HF, Masten TPMS, Proquip Compressor Guard, ARB Winch Bar, Milemarker Hydraulic Winch, 4x4 Intelligence Rear Wheel Carrier, VMS GPS with Rear Camera,

  10. #510
    RichardK is offline ChatterBox Silver Subscriber
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    In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

    However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

    Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

    Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.
    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
    RichardK

    Series IV Matrix Offroad Camper following our Discovery 3 with E Diff, BAS Remap, Mitch Hitch, Uniden UHF, Codan NGT HF, Masten TPMS, Proquip Compressor Guard, ARB Winch Bar, Milemarker Hydraulic Winch, 4x4 Intelligence Rear Wheel Carrier, VMS GPS with Rear Camera,

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