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Thread: Jokes

  1. #511
    RichardK is offline ChatterBox Silver Subscriber
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    Subject:* Alzheimer's Test
    > > >
    > > >
    > > >
    > > >
    > > >
    > > > Alzheimer's Test:
    > > >
    > > > The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the
    > > > School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if
    > you
    > > > can read each line aloud without a mistake.
    > > >
    > > > The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
    > > >
    > > > 1. This is this cat.
    > > > 2. This is is cat.
    > > > 3. This is how cat
    > > > 4. This is to cat.
    > > > 5. This is keep cat.
    > > > 6. This is an cat.
    > > > 7. This is old cat.
    > > > 8. This is fart cat
    > > > 9. This is busy cat.
    > > > 10. This is for cat.
    > > > 11. This is forty cat.
    > > > 12. This is seconds cat.
    > > >
    > > >
    > > > Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top
    > down.
    RichardK

    Series IV Matrix Offroad Camper following our Discovery 3 with E Diff, BAS Remap, Mitch Hitch, Uniden UHF, Codan NGT HF, Masten TPMS, Proquip Compressor Guard, ARB Winch Bar, Milemarker Hydraulic Winch, 4x4 Intelligence Rear Wheel Carrier, VMS GPS with Rear Camera,

  2. #512
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    Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break,
    In their soon-to be, new store.

    As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is
    Going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
    Australian walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Australian
    Accent asked 'What are you selling here?'

    One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ****-holes.'

    Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You are doing well ...
    Only two left!'

    Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Australians.....

  3. #513
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    Italian kidnaps ex-girlfriend to get ironing done

    Touareg CR 210TDI 2022
    Disco 5 SD4 HSE 2018
    Disco 4 3.0 SDV6 2014
    Disco 4 2.7 2011
    Disco 3 V6 SE 2007

  4. #514
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    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things...
    During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
    they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure.'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
    Johannes

    There are people who spend all weekend cleaning the car.
    And there are people who drive Discovery.

  5. #515
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    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
    The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
    You are welcome here as long as you like,
    But you may not speak until directed to do so. "

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
    before the Priest said to her,
    "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

    Sister Mary Katherine said,
    "Hard bed."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
    "We will get you a better bed."

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
    "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

    "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine,
    And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
    The Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
    "You may say two words today."

    "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

    "It's probably best," said the Priest,
    "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

    Johannes

    There are people who spend all weekend cleaning the car.
    And there are people who drive Discovery.

  6. #516
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    Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
    sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
    until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
    his clothes and ran into the cave.The Irishman was puzzled and asked the
    remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or
    what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
    Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
    opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
    in there waiting for us.Just then they came upon another cave. The second
    Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo!
    Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
    from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
    opening.The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
    then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
    It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
    fine women in this cave!'He stood in front of the opening and hollered
    with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then
    heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam
    in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his
    clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper
    read...............

    NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
    Johannes

    There are people who spend all weekend cleaning the car.
    And there are people who drive Discovery.

  7. #517
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    man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

    He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying :

    'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

    I'm awfully cold.''I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.'Good,' she replied. 'Get your ownf ...ing blanket.'After a moment of silence, he farted.
    "How long since you've visited The Good Oil?"

    '93 V8 Rossi
    '97 to '07. sold.
    '01 V8 D2
    '06 to 10. written off.
    '03 4.6 V8 HSE D2a with Tornado ECM
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    1988 Isuzu Bus. V10 15L NA Diesel
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  8. #518
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    An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
    two months.

    Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy
    kit.

    The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

    Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did
    this to you? I want to know!'

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
    Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature
    and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an
    Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

    He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and
    tells them:

    'Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the situation. I
    can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
    take charge.

    I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of
    her life.

    'Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores,
    a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

    If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
    $4,000,000 bank account.

    If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

    'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time,
    places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him .....

    'You root her again.'
    130's rule

  9. #519
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    Blind Golfers

    A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

    The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

    The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
    The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
    The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
    "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
    The group fell silent for a moment.
    The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
    The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
    The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls"
    The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

  10. #520
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    A mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes.

    He walked into the embalming room where a corpse was lying on the table.
    Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began
    examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in
    its ****.

    Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard; "Good old Collingwood
    forever......." come out the guys butt.

    Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the corpse and ran
    up the stairs to find his mentor; "Sir, you've got to come down and help
    me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

    Annoyed by the naivety of his assistant, he said OK and followed him
    downstairs; "There, look at the cork in the **** of that body, I couldn't
    imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out.

    The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the
    table and removed the cork, and sure enough:- "Good old Collingwood
    forever...." began to play.

    Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his
    assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands
    of ********s sing that song."
    130's rule

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