Jokes

I recently managed to contact the spirit of my old window cleaner who died.


I used a squeegee board.

If anyone would like to come to my place and discuss why my stuff keeps getting stolen, my door is always open.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm insecure.


No wait. She's back. She just went to make coffee.

I've been revising for a practical exam on pest control.
I was up all night swatting.

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a young buxom lady who smiles in his direction. He turns and strikes up a conversation with her and they have a few more drinks. As the night goes on he says to her "You have a very nice pair of breasts and I would pay $1,000 to lightly nibble on them".

The young lady says "Well thanks for the compliment. Would you like to come back to my place then"? They set off and once inside he quickly disrobes her and starts to lick and fondle her ample breasts. This goes on for a good half hour. The young lady then says "Well are you going to nibble them or what"? The young bloke says. "Oh no, I can't afford that".

My wife didn't believe me when I said that I would give our daughter a silly name.


So I decided to call her Bluff.

A nine letter word meaning 'constipation'

'Nnnnnnnnn'

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions


It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test.
Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.



If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?




Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.


However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
a blue house is made from blue bricks and
a pink house is made from pink bricks and
a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?




Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???


If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven...


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?


Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age...
It was YOU driving the bus!

A naive guy's girlfriend goes on holiday to Germany. When he picks her up at the airport, as a joke he asks "So how many guys did you sleep with in Germany" she answers "Nine", he thinks to himself "Wow, she's only been in Germany a month and already she is answering none in German."

Police arrested two teenagers today, one for eating batteries, and one for eating fireworks.


They charged one, and let the other off.