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Thread: Jokes

  1. #5451
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Adelaide Hills
    Posts
    10,915
    I recently managed to contact the spirit of my old window cleaner who died.


    I used a squeegee board.
    Quote Originally Posted by DazzaTD5 View Post
    Its a land Rover Defender... you need a real mechanic

  2. #5452
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Adelaide Hills
    Posts
    10,915
    If anyone would like to come to my place and discuss why my stuff keeps getting stolen, my door is always open.
    Quote Originally Posted by DazzaTD5 View Post
    Its a land Rover Defender... you need a real mechanic

  3. #5453
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Adelaide Hills
    Posts
    10,915
    My wife left me because she thinks I'm insecure.


    No wait. She's back. She just went to make coffee.
    Quote Originally Posted by DazzaTD5 View Post
    Its a land Rover Defender... you need a real mechanic

  4. #5454
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    antipodean
    Posts
    4,060
    I've been revising for a practical exam on pest control.
    I was up all night swatting.
    .....and then there was one

    _______
    l ___[_]|\___
    l___|"__|___|
    "(o)=====(o)"

  5. #5455
    Join Date
    Jan 1970
    Location
    Melrose Park NSW
    Posts
    1,472
    A guy is sitting in a bar next to a young buxom lady who smiles in his direction. He turns and strikes up a conversation with her and they have a few more drinks. As the night goes on he says to her "You have a very nice pair of breasts and I would pay $1,000 to lightly nibble on them".

    The young lady says "Well thanks for the compliment. Would you like to come back to my place then"? They set off and once inside he quickly disrobes her and starts to lick and fondle her ample breasts. This goes on for a good half hour. The young lady then says "Well are you going to nibble them or what"? The young bloke says. "Oh no, I can't afford that".
    Chenz
    I do not wish to be a member of any club that would have me as a member

    Former Owner of The Red Terror - 1992 Defender 200Tdi
    Edjitmobile - 2008 130 Defender

  6. #5456
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Adelaide Hills
    Posts
    10,915
    My wife didn't believe me when I said that I would give our daughter a silly name.


    So I decided to call her Bluff.
    Quote Originally Posted by DazzaTD5 View Post
    Its a land Rover Defender... you need a real mechanic

  7. #5457
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    antipodean
    Posts
    4,060
    A nine letter word meaning 'constipation'

    'Nnnnnnnnn'
    .....and then there was one

    _______
    l ___[_]|\___
    l___|"__|___|
    "(o)=====(o)"

  8. #5458
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,311
    Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions


    It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
    As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
    Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test.
    Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
    Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
    The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


    1. What do you put in a toaster?






    Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
    Try not to hurt yourself.



    If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

    2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?




    Answer: Cows drink water.. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.
    Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
    Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.


    However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and
    a blue house is made from blue bricks and
    a pink house is made from pink bricks and
    a black house is made from black bricks,
    what is a green house made from?





    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
    If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???


    If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

    4. Without using a calculator -
    You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
    In London , 17 people get on the bus.
    In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
    In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
    In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
    In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
    In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
    You then arrive at Milford Haven...



    Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?



    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
    Don't you remember your own age...
    It was YOU driving the bus!






  9. #5459
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    1,199
    A naive guy's girlfriend goes on holiday to Germany. When he picks her up at the airport, as a joke he asks "So how many guys did you sleep with in Germany" she answers "Nine", he thinks to himself "Wow, she's only been in Germany a month and already she is answering none in German."
    2005 D3 TDV6 Present
    1999 D2 TD5 Gone

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