Jokes

in the UK you get a letter from the queen when you turn 100 but when you turn 16 prince andrew stops messaging you

Any chance of a Management Minion dropping him an 'RU-OK ?' line ?- Jokes are the not the same without his Most Excellent Supply, especially the Dad Jokes.[biggrin][bighmmm]

I don`t usually brag about expensive trips, but I just got back from the petrol station!!!!!!!!!!!




To be honest I just glided past and saw the prices

Mars-bound Astronauts will use LINUX in their computers....

- 'Cos you shouldn't open Windows in space....



Two silkworms had a race...
They ended in a tie

Filled my mask with Smarties,
- So I can eat them like a horse's nosebag.

(See if you can Un-see that !!! )


Managed to do a week's worth of cardio....
- Walked into a spider-web.

I don't usually, but this (blatantly ripped off from elsewhere) tickled me.

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"
The German is shocked – "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"
"Well, today it is 20 euros."
"But why 20, damn it?"
Bartender : "I'll explain it,

• 3 euros is beer,
• 3 to help Ukraine,
• 4 assistance to European countries who have imposed sanctions and are not members of the EU.
• 4 euros in aid to the UK, for successful implementation of sanctions against Russia.
• 3 euros are sent to the Balkan countries as aid to buy furnace coal.
  and finally, 3 euros for a gas subsidy for the EU and fund to help maintain sanctions!"

The German silently took out the money and gave the bartender 20 euros.
The bartender took them, entered in the cash register and gave him 3 euros back.
German in disbelief : "Wait, you said 20 euros, right ? I gave you 20, why are you giving me back 3 euros?"
"Ahh... We have no beer!"

From my Men's Shed

Humour

Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said to the other, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?

Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.

Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."

And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Steve, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took pliers from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, “21 feet," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.

Here is a repeat of the story from last month. The punch line was accidentally left out.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. Instead, the monarch offered him his freedom as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? 'What do women really want?'
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone, including the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. However, no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, thinking only she would have the answer. The price
would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the
question but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, approached Arthur to discuss the witch's demand.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants . is to be in charge of her own life.' Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding
On the wedding night, Lancelot steeled himself for a horrific experience when he entered the bedroom. He could not have imagined the sight that awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. Astounded, Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that, since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . or at night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but, at night, in the privacy of his castle, he'd have an old witch? Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day but, by night, a beautiful woman with whom he'd enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below but you should make YOUR choice before you scroll down.






Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now, what is the moral to this story?
The moral is: If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly!

Good one Gavin,...... I do enjoy story jokes. Although EEVO ‘s one about the snake a couple of years ago was almost ‘ glass too big’[smilebigeye]

If I ever publish a book I think am going to call it "100 Books" so that way I can say "I have authored 100 books".

..

The first thing I see when I start my laptop is the message "ASUS. Searching for Incredible". After it starts I am left wondering if they've found it yet. [bighmmm]