Thread: Jokes

" I want to do something that will be remembered and talked about for all eternity."

" Forget your wife's birthday."

very true!!!

Have you heard the results of the latest "New Idea" magazine survey??
They found 2 out of 3 woman are as dumb as the 1st!

" I got home on Saturday night after a night on the cards and SWMBO started to have a go at me for being so late. I said " Stop right there woman, pack your bags, your going to live with Matthew as I lost you in a card game" she said " How dare you lose me to him in something as trivial as a card game!!". I said "Yeah, it was really hard to fold with 4 aces!!"

An Italian mother:

Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and planned on living with Marie’s mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed. Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first, and he had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother.

"Mummy!! Mummy!! He's got hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replied, "Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud."

So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his trousers. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother.

"Mummy, he's got hair all over his legs."
"Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud."

Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look, and ran downstairs.

"Mummy, Mummy, he's only got a foot and a half!"
At this, mother yelled, "Marie, you stay here and stir the pasta, I’m gonna go upstairs!"

Originally Posted by ezyrama

Have you heard the results of the latest "New Idea" magazine survey??
They found 2 out of 3 woman are as dumb as the 1st!

My wife's not dumb

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,
'Dad, how manykinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs,
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.'Onions?''Yes, you see them and they make you cry.
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how manykinds of 'willies' are there?
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.
'A Christmas tree?'
Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said “My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well that was good sally, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate.”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate”, so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasin eight.”