Thread: Jokes

DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.


He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."


The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"



Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.



"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!


No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......



With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.


The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)



"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

New seat belt design

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy
comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little *****".

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her hu
sband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

The wife came to bed last night and said "Hey honey I did a bikini wax in the bathroom today, you know what that means dont you?"

Yeah, I replied, the bloody drain is blocked again!"

loving both of those guys. i had heard the cow one before but i still wet myself reading it again

Standing stark naked infront of the mirror this morning, it suddenly occurred to me: I was probably going to be kicked out of IKEA
Apologies if repost.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the

night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll

not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll

be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He

falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the

stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls

flat on his face,


'Shoite,


Shoite !'


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to

the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door

and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes

a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto

the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.



'Bi'Jesus... I'm focked,' he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,

hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He

takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the

stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes

a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and

falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of

coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last

night ?'


Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'