Thread: Jokes

Now that we have need of a new Pope, it should be revealed that a particularly qualified and distinguished man may not be selected, though some (not all) insiders at the Vatican say he is an ideal contender. Here's his story...

Bishop Hans Grapje was raised by Dutch immigrant parents. He attended a Catholic school in Boston. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm.

While a POW, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rights to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion. After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished.

In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his age and infirmity, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rights to those who would never escape. He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers. Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue - a condition known as purpura - that persists to this day.

Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy.

Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader.

I heard that the new Pope was a man called Alfredo Sicola & he was almost voted in.
But they were concerned that Coca Cola might sue the church for giving excessive exposure to the opposition Cola company...

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can
get through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week
later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get
through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next
week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."


Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and
with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can
get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that
all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why
don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.


"Christmas Island, Australia,!!!...There's friggin' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and
found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me
from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog
said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention
that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband
will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that
this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because
I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful
Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be
the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your
husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because
what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in
the world!

The frog then inquired about her third
wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.

Always check your spelling, because one letter can destroy your life. A man sent the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Who the hell is Gary ?

Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife,
says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred quid note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid note tattooed
on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred quid anytime you want."

Gary is now in The Manchester Royal Infirmary, Critical Care Unit, Room
233. No visitors until further notice.

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner.

'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.