Thread: Jokes

This a--hole of a girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that VB or Tooheys?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, Yesterday."

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now".

Two men were pushing their carts around Walmart when they collided. The older gentleman "I'm sorry I was looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going". The younger man responded that he was looking for his wife also. The older gentleman said maybe we could look for our wives together and asked him to describe his wife. Well, she is tall, a redhead, buxom, not wearing a bra, and wearing short shorts. Then he asked the older gentleman to describe his wife. He said, "never mind, lets just look for yours".

A shipwreck survivor washes up on an island beach. Soon he meets another old salt--it seems that over time a number of guys have washed up here, a small community now. Getting a tour around, the new guy learns: this is good drinking water here, you can eat these berries but not those, and such like that. And he learns there's not one woman on the island.

"So what do you do when you're horny?" he asks.

His friend says, "There's a flock of sheep. Pick one out, take her over the hill--that's what we do."

The new guy snorts, "I'm not doing the sheep thing."

His guide shrugs. "We all do it, but you don't have to."


A month goes by. The new guy asks his guide, "Really, everybody does it?"

"Sure, nothing to ashamed of."


That evening the new guy gets up from the campfire, grabs a ewe, and disappears over the hill for a while. "Much better," he's thinking as he returns to the guys around the fire.

But they're all rolling on their sides laughing and pointing at him.

Red-faced, he goes to his guide--"You said everyone does it."

In between fits of laughter the guy says, "Well, yeah. But you picked the ugliest one."

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.
Answer; throw in your washing.
We were having a laugh about this, when this big bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"
"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne
Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in
Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

My thoughts are with the unfortunate people of Gibraltar just now.

Stuck between a rock and a hard-up place.

Mate of my son's told me this one at the weekend:

A bloke goes into a bar, orders a beer and sits there drinking it and nibbling at the peanuts in a bowl.
Suddenly, a voice says: "Nice haircut!"
The bloke looks around, surprised, but there is no-one close who could have said it. Puzzled, he takes another sip of his beer.
"Nice shoes too," says the voice.
Now the bloke is really puzzled. He calls the barman over and asks, "Did you hear that? Someone said I had nice shoes and a nice haircut, but there's no-one here."
The barman laughs. "Oh, that would be the peanuts - they're complimentary."

In the early hours of the morning, a husband and wife are awakened from their slumbers by a loud and persistent hammering on the front door.The wife tells the husband to go and see who it is. So the husband gets up, not in the best of tempers and heads for the front door.When he opens the door he sees a man standing on the doorstep.
"What do you want?" snaps the husband.
"I want a push" comes the reply.
The angry husband tells the stranger to go away, using very colourful language and stomps back to bed and the mrs.
"Who was it?" asks the mrs.
"Some stranger looking for a push but I sent him away" says the husband.
"That's not nice" says the mrs."Remember when you broke down and needed help, someone pushed you to the garage. Go down and give the man a push."
So the husband gets up once again muttering some unsavoury things under his breath and heads for the front door. When he opens the door the stranger is not there anymore.So he shouts out,"Hello"
He hears a "Hello" back from the stranger.
Husband "Do you still need a push?"
Stranger "Yes"
Husband "Where are you?"
Stranger "On your swing"