Thread: Jokes

Whenever anyone asks me what I do for a living, I reply I'm a proctologist. I'm really a cloak room attendant in federal parliament but I spend all day looking at arseholes!

Two old blokes, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year-old said, "Well I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies".

So, on the way home the 80 year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some"?

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me".

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....Something happened I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy waschopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got ?9000 ininsurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to buildyou a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better infact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's ?1000 an inch."


The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's foryou to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd betterdiscuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, andyou decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But ifyou had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a fiveinches this time, she might be disappointed So it's important that sheplays a role in helping you make the decision.."


The man agrees to talk with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor,"have you spoken with your wife?"


"I have," says the man.


"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.




"We're having granite worktops."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get thejob."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know. You put down, "Neither do I".









Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest nearly fell down when he saw him.He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so gladya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, Imisplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had ahat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew thathe had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in theback of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn'****."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn'****. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments Idecided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said,"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would ratherdo without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'ThouShalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."






A virile, older-aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartmentand, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Luigi reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Luigi smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to himand softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Luigi reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Luigi falls onto his back, gasping....
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly andasked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No,I'm Norwegian."






IrishBus Thieves:

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered towalk all the way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bushome.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the otherkeeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

Coupla jackaroos were camped 4 the night and one went for a leak behind a tree , a little while latter the one behind the tree said to his mate , " ever smocked a rolley that's been ****ed on " ., the other one replied in the negative , the one behind the tree said , " Ya not missen much "

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"


REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!