Thread: Jokes

What's red and climbs up trees.

Paul Walker's Porsche

I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

ETERNAL LIFE.
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
Of course He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.?
?Sorry said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.?
"OK, then, I want to die after they balance the budget and eliminates the debt.?

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

A very simple way to explain how politics and our Government function.....

I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"
He said "NO!"

I told him its Bill Gates' daughter!
He said "OKAY!"

Got in contact with Bill Gates and told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!"
He said "NO!"

Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"

Went to the President of the World Bank and told him to make my son CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!"

Told him my son was Bill Gates' Son-in-Law!
He said "OKAY!"


That's exactly how politics works.

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann"
"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret".
" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen".
"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

I have heard of the same trick with a glass of urine.

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said the husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her, and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, even more curious as to what would happen next."


She replied, "Go look in the garage."