Thread: Jokes

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

I just got arrested by a sky Marshall on my Qantas flight.
found out that masturbation isn't appreciated on airlanes.
Apparently they treat high jacking seriously.

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were '**** or drown'."

A woman applies for a job in a lemon orchard in Country Queensland, but the HR manager is worried that she seems to be far too qualified for the job; given that she lists arts and education degrees from Melbourne University and her previous job history as a social worker and a teacher at the local TAFE college.


So the HR manager call the woman and says MS Jones, “ have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?


Ms Jones replies "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, owned a Ford station wagon, a Leyland P76,
supported Collingwood the last 14 years, voted for Julia Gillard and bought shares in Dick Smith."


We pay $17 an hour when can you start.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."


Yes, she says, "I remember it well."


OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"


"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,


"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans.
Everyone in
the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a
Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Carlton fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Carlton fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Carlton, so my mum is a Carlton fan and my dad is a Carlton fan, and so I'm a Carlton fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Carlton fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was in jail, your dad was a drug dealer and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."

What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend,
my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,


'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'


I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
and whispered,




'Self-raising, isn't it?'


And thus began my life of celibacy..........

A middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."