Thread: Jokes

A mafia boss finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”


Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”


The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”


The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”


Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”


The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”


The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Originally Posted by Eevo

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"


"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"


"Thanks Dad"


"No problem Alan"

That took me longer than it should have... 😁

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.


Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.


In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.


The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''


''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Originally Posted by Homestar

That took me longer than it should have... 😁

That's not how Alan's are made...

There's a joke about that... but it'd probably mean strike 3 (or maybe 4) for your's truly...

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.


One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.


The Reverend wasn't happy!


He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.


"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"


"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.


When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.


The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.


The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."


The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff."


The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Originally Posted by Toxic_Avenger

That's not how Alan's are made...

There's a joke about that... but it'd probably mean strike 3 (or maybe 4) for your's truly...

PM it to me... 😉

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

i dont think this one counts as religious


Two prawns were swimming in the sea one called Craig & the other Christian.


They were constantly being threatened by sharks until one day Craig said 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark & then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' Just then a large Cod appeared & said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo & behold, Craig turned into a shark. Horrified Christian swam away afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed & Craig found life as a shark lonely, all his mates swam away whenever he went close to them.


While swimming one day he saw the mysterious Cod again & he approached the Cod & begged him to change him back & lo & behold, He was turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy Craig swam to his friends, but looking around he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still upset that his best friend changed into a shark'.
Eager to put things right he set off to see Christian. He banged on the door & shouted, 'It's me Craig your old friend, come out & see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me You're a shark.'


Craig cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me, I've changed - I've found Cod & now I'm a prawn again Christian'