Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by ramblingboy42

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack , I'd like to borrow $50,000 for a holday"

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

'Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger . it will be ok to authorise the line , I know your manager"

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure , how about this? " , says Kermit and produces a small bright pink finely detailed porcelain elephant."

Very confused , Patty explains that she will have to consult with her manager.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her about Kermit and holds up the elephant and says "I mean , what in the world is this?"

The manager looks at Patty and says.."it's a knickknack Patty Whack , give the frog his loan, his old man's a rolling stone"


now.....you can stop singing as well....

This joke was originally told by Kerry O'Keeke whilst he was commentating an ODI cricket match back in 2006. It is very funny.

YouTube

An old farmer stumbles across a fine looking Clydesdale for the absolute bargain price of one hundred dollars, he buys it on the spot.
At his farm he harnesses the horse to an ancient plow and commenced tilling the field. The horse is fit and strong, making short work of the task but, none of the furrows are straight or parallel.
The farmer checks the animal's hooves and legs for any problems but finds nothing amiss. He then calls the vet. The vet arrives and gives the horse a thorough examination, declaring the beast the finest equine example in the district, except for one minor issue. The horse is cross-eyed.
With a look of dejection, the farmer says "Well I suppose I've bought a dud, then."
The vet replies "Not really, I can fix that for one hundred dollars."
The farmer agrees, the vet goes to the back of his Defender and returns with a metre of rubber hose. He asks the farmer to hold the horse's tail up, while he inserts the hose into the obvious orifice. The vet then give the hose a short, sharp blow. The horse's eyes bulge and it performs a little jig on the spot, but settles down unharmed.
A test plow proves the vet's treatment to have worked, the furrows are as straight as an arrow.
Well chuffed, the farmer pays the vet, thinking the purchase was still a bargain.
Three months later, the horse is impersonating the gait of a drunken sailor. The vet is called and the procedure repeated.
The farmer pays the vet, this time thinking it's not such a canny buy.
Three months later it all happens again. The farmer considers one hundred dollars, four times a year could quickly negate the purchase price, so decides a bit of DIY would be in order. He cuts three feet from his garden hose and copies what he saw the vet do.
After hours of huffing and puffing, with no result, he concedes defeat and calls the vet. As the vet arrives, he give one last desperate blow, hoping to save a hundred dollars. Alas, failure again.
The vet strides up, lifts the horse's tail and checks the hose. He then looks at the eyes and returns to the rear. The vet removes the hose, turns it around and reinserts the other end into the horse. With one short, sharp blow the horse's eyesight is restored.
"Is that all I did wrong," the farmer asked "had the hose the wrong way round?"
"No," said the vet "but I'm not going to put my lips where your lips have been!"