Thread: Jokes

Excuse if this is already posted


An elderly lady named Maud related a sad story of how she lost her husband.“Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know to save my Norman’s life. Tragically, I’ve never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I’ll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me,

- “Be positive, be positive!”

-That’s my Norman! Always thinking of others.”

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

Excuse if this is already posted




-That’s my Norman! Always thinking of others.”

Norman? Surely she means Harold.

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

"Mitchell Starc recorded career-best figures for the second straight Test match, as England was dismissed for just 172 in the first innings of the first Ashes Test.
Starc finished with figures of 7-58 off 12.5 overs, taking the wickets of Zac Crawley, Ben Duckett, Joe Root, Ben Stokes, Jamie Smith, Gus Atkinson and Mark Wood"

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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...

Three elderly women are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man in a trench coat runs up to them and flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke.The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach.


2nd


A man calls home from his office and tells his wife, "Honey, pack my bags. I’m going fishing with the boss for a week. It’s a huge opportunity for my promotion, so I can't miss it. Oh, and please make sure you pack my blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this is a little strange, but she packs his bags.
A week later, the husband returns. The wife welcomes him home and asks, "Did you have a good time, dear?"

"It was fantastic," he says. "We caught a lot of fish. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
The wife smiles sweetly and says, "No, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. Throughout the ride, the driver can’t take his eyes off the rearview mirror, constantly staring at her.

Eventually, she gets annoyed and says, "What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The driver replies, "I'm not staring at you, lady. I'm just looking at the meter and wondering where the hell you keep your money."

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