Thread: Jokes

Heres a classic joke for ya ........ Rays pants LMAO

Originally Posted by wannalandy

Heres a classic joke for ya ........ Rays pants LMAO

hmmmmmm sorry no thats not that funny

but you in your princess dress coughing your poor little lungs out is now thats funny

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited a primary school and went into one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister whether he would like to lead the discussion about the word 'tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in a paddock and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy''

'No,’ said Kevin, 'that would be an accident'.

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children was driven over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained the Prime Minister, 'that's what we would call a great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice, he said: 'If an aeroplane carrying you and Ms Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy'.

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either'.

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'


The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303Rifle behind the seat.Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you saidBoss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuckunder the right-front wheel arch.'





'... You there Boss?'

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Aussie accint.'
'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $5.00 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... yes,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

Whats Long, Hard and F***'s Kiwis?

School.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
The limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
That the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
At the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
Never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
The Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
The wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
The airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
The cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on
The radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
Limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
Cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'












...................keep going..........................




Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check."There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."