Febuary Humour Thread

[FenianEel]

Hitler and his chauffeur take a drive in the countryside. All of
a sudden, boom! They drive over a chicken. Hitler tells the chauffeur, "We
have to tell the farmer. Let me do it. I'm the Fuehrer, he'll understand."
After two minutes, Hitler runs back holding his backside -- the farmer had
given him a thrashing. The two drive on. Again, boom! They run into a pig.
Hitler barks, "You go to the farmer this time!" The chauffeur follows his
orders but comes back a half an hour later, falling-down drunk with a basket
filled with sausages and presents. Hitler is stunned. "What did you tell the
farmer?" And the chauffeur says, "I just said, 'Heil Hitler, the pig is
dead!' and they gave me these gifts!"

[FenianEel]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[FenianEel]

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good :Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

[FenianEel]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to the product managers attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their fellow employees. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this
type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with fellow employees.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

[Frenchie]

Michael Clarke was late to the Allan Border Medal dinner because he was in a Bingle.

[FenianEel]

Michael Clarke was late to the Allan Border Medal dinner because he was in a Bingle.

He's not the Lone Ranger lately by the sound of it

[Frenchie]

He's not the Lone Ranger lately by the sound of it

She got mixed up when she was told to make everyone come to Australia.

[Debacle]

Two nuns are out for a bicycle ride

1st nun : I dont think I have ever come this way before.

2nd nun : Me neither, must be all the cobblestones

[Frenchie]

Two nuns in a bath.

One says "Where's the soap"

The other replies "Yes it does, doesn't it?"

[shorty943]

Irishman, walking down the street. Spots a sign in a cop shop window, " bank robber wanted", so he goes in to apply for the job.

Shorty.