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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
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A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.
To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids in the back, "My, that was a big insect!"
To which her seven year son replied, "I'm surprised it could fly with a c*ck that size !"
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A bloke gets on a bus and sits down next to a man of indian descent with a shoe box on his lap. After a minute of two he notices a horrible smell and asks the bloke "What have you got in that box mate".
The Indian bloke opens the box to reveal a turd about 10 inches long and 4 inch diameter. The bloke says "What are you doing with a turd in a shoebox?"
The indian bloke says "I am taking it to my optometrist". The other bloke asks "Why are you taking a turd to an optometrist"? The indian bloke says "Well, I am not understanding why, but when I do one like this my eyes they are watering".
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Why did the Romans close the Coliseum?
Because the Lions were eating all the prophets:D .
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Friday phunnee
Subject: FW: Every Man Needs a Chick ............:)
>A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
>
> The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
> fries
> and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the
> same,"
> says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
> $9.40
> please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
> change
> for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
> hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
> Again
> the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
> waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
> salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress
> brings
> the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
> it
> on
> the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
> "Excuse
> me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
> your
> pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
> found
> an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
> wishes.
> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
> put
> my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
> there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
> million
> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
> long
> as you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
> exact
> money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
> chick
> with a big **** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
>
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Its still Friday:)
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he
awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white robe.
"Who the heck are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St.
Peter". Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have
so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've
got to send me back right away".
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he
was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
happened to him ...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*ttin' in the bed!"
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two dogs were sitting in the bar talking about the races theyd just runm greyhouds of course..
the first says "well i was sitting in the starting box ready to go and frell me somethings bittne me on the bollocks and IVe run the race in record time coming first all the way"
The second says "its funny you should mention it but a similar thing happened to me, sharp pain in the balls and off i go for an easy win....
Then this horse buts in opens with "I couldnt help overhearing but..." and contines into a similar story,
The second dog turns to the first dog and looks at him quizically before commenting.
"bugger me, a talking horse"
