Thread: I Havent Posted any Jokes in a while. :P

Here are 12 of the finest sporting comentators double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio
*
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - *"And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
*
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - *"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside him. "
*
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - *"This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother."
*
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " *Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."
*
5. US PGA Commentator - *"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
*
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: *"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
*
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " *So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" *Not only did HE have to leave the
set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - *"Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."
*
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: *"There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
*
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: *"Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
*
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
*"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."
*
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: *"Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."*

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea."

A young farm lad from a small country town goes off to college, but about one third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea.



He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at University that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"


"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"


"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says "I'll get him into the course."



So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out.

The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."


His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.



When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room sitting back in the recliner, reading the financial Section in The Age, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little redhead who works in the pub in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b#!@!! before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer)

husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, B***h."

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.




I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b**ch... why else would I buy dog food??

No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consulttheir rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:"'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.