Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Boy what a day, I was driving along the road when I got an urgent message on the radio telling me there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

I rushed to the scene where I discovered a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.

A puzzled onlooker asks me what I thought had happened, to which I felt I must reply: "It looks like he's topped himself."

My uncle is with the Australian Federal Police. (They caught him in Brisbane.)
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's me, a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to myself. I thought, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.'
So I followed them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that I had ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
I was amazed! I decided I had learned something about life that I didn't know.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. I was still watching and thought, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, I says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric.

A man walked into his supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way..

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet where, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play FOR? "

Three men were sitting together bragging about their new wives "duties".

Terry married a woman from Greece ..
He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie married a woman from Italy ...
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

Now the third man married an Australian girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

Originally Posted by Lotz-A-Landies

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play FOR? "

A workman was killed at a construction site.
I began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.

The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly but his alibi is as solid as a rock.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter and had a chip on his shoulder.

So who did it?

The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.


Is it true the NSW Police Department has issued notices to all liquor stores that they have raised the minimum drinking age in that state to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

I was in Hungry Jacks the other day, when this Muslim woman walks in wearing a brightly coloured head to toe outfit.
I thought to myself, WOW…..!!

The Burkas are better at Hungry Jacks…..!!

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. Any Woman can have the body of a 21 year old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first!
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
30.. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!