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this makes two posts in here tonight... I must be learning fast!
One evening thinking I was being funny, I said to my wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer. 'What the heck is this?' I said to myself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when I shook them out.
'Dear', I hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !:o:eek:
I learnt not to mess with my wife !!
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What a day?!?
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off. :(
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. :eek:
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off. :o
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand. :mad:
Now I'm afraid to pee.... :twisted:
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr ****s. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which.""
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
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sorry its been so long since I posted, Thanks for the help Diana!
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it would be a good Korea move.
I'll just have to tell you what I learn!!
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Again I'm sorry it’s been so long but as I said I’ve been studying again…
Today I learnt that Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a women with her mouth closed.:)
I was in a hot air balloon and lost over Ireland.
I looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted to him "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard, You're in that feckin basket." :cool:
We landed and spoke to the farmer, He was telling me about an old Irish farmer who was a neighbour. Anyway his dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.
"It should have worked, What did you put in the paper? his wife asks.
"Here boy," he replies “But I didn’t think he could read.”
I couldn’t stay in Ireland because of all the bomb threats etc…
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm having that.:twisted:
Anyway I consoled myself with a visit to a little whore house…A little after that visit to a whore house, I noticed green lumps on my willy, so I goes to my Doctor.
"That is serious" says the Doctor "You know how a Wrestler gets cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" I says seriously.
"Well" says the Doctor, "You have got Brothel Sprouts":(:(
So hoping for a miracle cure, I went to a religious festival. There I saw a Catholic priest approach a Zen monk and show him a tub of margarine.
"Look," he said," you can see the face of Christ in the margarine!"
The monk looked and said," I can't believe it's not Buddah!”:eek:
Anyway I have to go, I need some real help….
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?
I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the bloody Port Power Football Club!:mad:
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I hate to admit it but I must apologise publicly.
I'll do it here first then the other forum.
For the past 4 years (plus) I have continuously stated, loudly and sometimes with much venom, that the members of the ALP were useless and couldn't organise a root in a brothel.
Recent incidents have come to light that indicates at least one member of the ALP CAN - and in fact HAS - organised a root in a brothel.
As such I publicly apologise for my erroneous statement.
(but I still don’t think that lot could grow a chocko vine over a thunderbox.)
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Lost in a Balloon
A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman,
"you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
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Sorry, been away learning again!
I was spending time as a tourist in Vienna and was going through a graveyard and all of a sudden heard some music. No one is around, so I started searching for the source.
I finally located the origin and found it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig can Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then I realised that the music is the Ninth symhony and it is being played backwards!!
Puzzled, I left the graveyard and returned later with a friend. by the time we arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, we discussed this and agreed to consult a music scholar. When we returned with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that they are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. We were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the caretaker ambles up to the group. I asked him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "Beethoven is decomposing!"
So there you go, still learning!
