Thread: Things I've learnt.....

I was discussing my new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

I admit I strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him."

I was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, I asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says,

"I'll be Bach."



I needed more so I called Sean Connery.I says "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket?."

I gave up. So I went to the film set canteen, there I saw members of the cast of star wars easting a Chinese meal. There before my eyes was Luke and Obi-Wan having a meal.
Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,

"Use the FORKS, Luke."


I learnt .... Ummm..... not much

What a week!, I was trying to explain to my kids about a book that I’d read which involved a wizard... well, the conversation went like this,

“There once was this Wizard who, every time he cast a new spell, had the feeling that he might have cast the spell before... obviously This caused him great confusion”

My son asked...

“ I guess you are saying that he had a vague sense of dejavoodo!?”


I was shocked I had no comeback so I retreated to the corner with my memories of when I travelled the world....

I remember travelling in Africa, we were told to stay away from the wild animals as most of them could kill you...

Then I couldn’t find my mate who I had been travelling with, I was panic stricken..

Eventually after looking about everywhere, I saw him chatting up a cheetah. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

I couldn’t really say anything as I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Anyway we left Africa and headed to Europe...
We were due to travel by train to France but weren’t sure which train was which, So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on TV but I'm no Dean Martin."

On the Eurostar we found a games room, I said to my friend "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then." I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest."

I lost the darts so I started to read the paper, the headline screamed about terrorism.... But maybe I couldn’t translate it properly.... This is how I translated it....

Fighting Al-Gebra
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
Asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
The president went on to warn, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen."

Anyway back to the present time...
I tried to kick my gambling habit.... but I still fail, when the opportunity arises I cannot resist !... Just the other day I was shopping when I went to the butchers and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'No, the steaks are too high."

I thought bugger it I’ll buy some sweets, better even, maybe an icecream cone ..... but then I remembered that our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands, a flake, and a half a litre of chocolate topping. Police say that he topped himself.

I haven’t had much luck with food sales and delivery lately... The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme, They sent me Diana Ross.

So I’ve taken to going to the shop direct and collecting my food myself. Until yesterday when I was driving along and I stopped at the traffic lights I looked into the lane alongside me and I couldn't believe it, there, in a really busy intersection, were Two fish in a tank, whilst Im looking at them, One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive."

I headed home, I have just heard that Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

I was really excited, but unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

That wrecked my night.... I learnt to not expect all these things will be easy.
Feel free to join in.

Just something I've noticed...

What's the difference between today and the 50's?

Today, a man walks into a store and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes."

just saying...

I've got an fan from an old tractor sucking the fumes out of my workshop its a set up I copied from an old bushie up north..... you should look it up..



- it's an 'ex tractor fan'....!

My wife rang me at work, she asked why I was upset, I said "I’ve been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


Last night I charged a man with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
He said he only intended to rough him up a bit.



Did you hear about the man we found here who was rushed into surgery this morning after he told us he was assaulted and had something forced up his backside???

They apparently found six toy horses up his rear end?


When I rang this morning Doctors have described his condition as stable.

I’ve been renovating a house, new windows, new floor coverings,
New door to a bedroom, new mantle peice and an almost new kitchen,
As a centre piece I installed a library including a sliding ladder and I only went into the finished library room today
And a book just fell on my head!! I cannot get angry, you see I’ve only got my shelf to blame.


Its not all that bad, I just got off the phone to Sea World on the Gold Coast.
They said my call was recorded for training porpoises.

I rang them to see if they knew where did Noah keep his bees?
They asked if I was simple, when I said I wasnt they said he kept them in the ark hives.

I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soft drink yesterday.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

so fully awake I went to the kitchen

I was walking by the fridge and I swore I could hear an onion singing a Bee Gees song.
I snuck up and ripped open the door of the fridge,
Turns out it was just chives talking

I think it was brought on by stress, you see there was bad news this week,
due to the economic crisis I was forced to shut down my dating agency for lesbian chickens.
you see, I was struggling to make hens meet.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first romantic encounter.

Eagerly, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very depressed state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for romance, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out...

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

maybe he should've learnt to keep quiet!
Feel free to join in.

51 DAYS
I used to be a bartender, One night I was sitting behind the bar on a typical work day, when the door burst open and in came four exuberant blondes. They came up to the bar, ordered five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, took their order over and sat down at a large table.

Before you know it the corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they began toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrived, took up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, set the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jumped the others, they began dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

I couldn't contain my curiosity any longer, so I walked over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, I asked one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.

Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! "


I learnt that sometimes its better not to tell them.

Have a great day.

(feel free to join in...anyone....really!)