Things I've learnt.....

Knowing there was a Federal Election looming (now called for Sept 7 2013 folks!!) I have been asking about those who are older and wiser than I about advice on how to choose who I should vote for.

I received one piece of advice I think I should pass on to everyone.

I think there something in it for all of us.

It was told to me by Fred, a local bloke who raises chooks and farms the eggs and meat. It goes something like this...


"Always remember Old Butch"

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Royal Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

VOTE carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible."


I learnt it is sometimes great to seek advice. :)


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Bumper sticker.

[Well it has been a while , I have been distracted by sports and all the controversy surrounding the AFL at the moment...

Forget the Bombers, how about Saint Kilda players on a "mad monday" setting fire to a dwarf!!??

Unbelievable.!!

But as usual I have determined to learn from these events and I have.

I learnt that Saint Kilda have fired up earlier than usual for next season ....

I have learnt the difference between a pyromaniac and the Saints footy club. :)






(Ohhh, the difference is that a pyro wouldn't have wasted 22 matches before starting a fire under someone. :D )

cheers

Quote:

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Originally Posted by digger

[Well it has been a while , I have been distracted by sports and all the controversy surrounding the AFL at the moment...

Forget the Bombers, how about Saint Kilda players on a "mad monday" setting fire to a dwarf!!??

Unbelievable.!!

But as usual I have determined to learn from these events and I have.

I learnt that Saint Kilda have fired up earlier than usual for next season ....

I have learnt the difference between a pyromaniac and the Saints footy club. :)






(Ohhh, the difference is that a pyro wouldn't have wasted 22 matches before starting a fire under someone. :D )

cheers

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Hot Topic about a little issue.

Well, me again.... Thought I'd recount some more of my "learnings" for you all.....

Spoke to an old work mate yesterday, he has retired for about 10 years and is now widowed... He may be old but he recounted a valuable lesson to me that I shall pass on to you here now.
Yesterday his daughter again asked why he didn't do something useful with his time.

Talking about "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of him" and suggested he go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the boys.
He did this and when he got home last night he decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of his business.

I asked him how he did this... and , in his words, this is what he did.
“I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club”, he recounted.
She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 72years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
He said “I then proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.”
She said to me "Good grief where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club"
He said, “then I looked worried and said, “I'm in trouble again dear and I don't know what to do...I signed up for five jumps a week"...and she fainted.
I learnt that life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.



I actually remember what he was doing when he first left the job and retired... He was involved in a study it was in depth but necessary...
The urgent study found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna, South Australia, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills. He in turn employed 62 people to monitor known
high crow mortality spots 24/7.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order, (well 4 months).
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

It’s amazing what you can learn...


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Well there ya go. I've learnt something too.

I thought they actually said "FAAaaaaaaa......"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by d@rk51d3

Well there ya go. I've learnt something too.

I thought they actually said "FAAaaaaaaa......"

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MM Thanks Mr KENNEDY!! :p:D

I learnt that only a golfer really understands.

I played golf today and recalled a lot of things that I saw happen on the course...

Number one memory...

I was a caddy for a husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

I didnt know what to do, I was only a kid, but the husband calls 000 on his mobile briefcase sized phone, talks, then picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"Not long, dear" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

_________________________
Number two memory...

I was a spectator when a gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "Its easy, The holes are numbered."

___________________________

Number three memory.......

I remember when I and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

I says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

So I hit the 8-iron and put the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and fluffs the ball just a few yards.

I says, "I don't know about you, Father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."

___________________________

FORE!!!! (sorry)

Later I joined the Police and we were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman, appearing distraught.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
__________________________

I died and had to be revived once...it happened on a golf course, let me tell you the story...

I teed up my ball on the first, took a mighty swing and hit my ball into a clump of trees.

When I found the ball, I was pleased to see an opening between 2 trees, so I thought I could hit through the gap.

I took out my 3-wood and had a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, shot back, hit me in the forehead and killed me!!.

At the Pearly Gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked me, "That sure is a bizarre way to go, Do you believe you are a good golfer?"

I replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?


He sent me back!!! I learnt St Peter has a sense of humour!.


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I've learnt a life lesson today.

Next time I walk into the house and see my wife crying, I'm not going to ask, "Is it because of your new haircut?" :o







You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the DIY store try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw... ;)

I learnt some more... let me tell you about it...

I checked into a motel on my birthday and was a bit lonely.
I thought, "I'll call one of those women you see advertised in phone books
for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a lady calling
herself Tender Tenelle a very beautiful woman with assorted physical attributes
prominant in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
long red wavy hair, long legs, dazzling smile and I felt quite certain I could bounce a 20c piece off her well-oiled buns ....

I figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give her a call.

"Good evening, Sir, how may I help you?

Oh my god, she sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I
hesitated, I rushed right in,

"I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and
give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?”

She said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press “ 9 ” for an outside line."

And that is why I changed motels.


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