Things I've learnt.....

I learnt that recently a certain member on here that is a boats skipper was "visited" by the Australian Tax office... (I wont mention any names!)

The Australian Taxation Office suspected this fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent this agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

"Boat Owner":
"Well, there's Kevin, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundy rum and a dozen Boags Lager every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally"..

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to,the mentally challenged one".

"Boat Owner": "That'll be me. What would you like to know"?



I thought I'd pass this on, hope I havent breached any confidences...:angel:

When I first had a look at Joe's yellow AEC bus I mentioned to her indoors what a great idea for a motorhome. I could sit out the front on my own and I could ring the bell when i wanted a cup of coffee or something to eat. Dont think I'm allowed to print on her her reply. Lesson learned. :o

I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local taliban supporters office.

I was really enjoying myself.
Then the rifle jammed.

Myself and the Minister for War and Fianance were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that I was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because we had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called me on her mobile phone to ask me where I was.

In a quiet voice I said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about twenty years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

I replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."


I learnt that my wifes right hook is a ripper....

COMPARE THE YEARS

I started looking at different years to find similarities and was stunned to find this!

Look at 1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

feel free to join in!

I was thinking of doing some sports betting

Stop watching TV that year.
.

A group of friends from the Land Rover Appreciation society get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. Each time the lady of the house prepares the meal.


When it came time for us to be the hosts, The Minister for War and Finance (MWF) wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told me, "No mushrooms. They are too dear."


I said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."


She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."


I thought about this and said, "Well, I see vermin eating them and they're OK." So MWF decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.


Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, the MWF watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.


The meal was a great success, and the MWF even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, we relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in the MWFs ear.


She said, "Mrs. C, Ol' Spot is dead."


The MWF went into hysterics.


After she finally calmed down, she called the town doctor and told him what had happened.


The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."


Soon we could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.


One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.


After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. We were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to The MWF,

"You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."



I learnt to ask more questions.....

feel free to join in

When I was young and we just moved to the city I got a job as a Zoo Keeper

I started my new job at the zoo and was given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds..

As I did this a huge fish jumps out and bites me. In panic and to show who is boss, I beat it to death with a spade.

Realizing my employer won't be best pleased I disposed of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, I was going well until I was attacked by the chimps who pelted me with coconuts.

I swiped at two chimps with a spade killing them both..

What can I do? Feed them to the lions, I says to himself, because lions eat anything....

I hurled the corpses into the lion enclosure..

I moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as I start I was attacked by the bees. I grabbed the spade and smashed the bees to a pulp.

By now I know what to do and shovel them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. I was nearby when the new lion wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"






I learnt that you guys will moan when you read this but over 50% will use this joke!! :)


Feel free to join in...

I was sitting at a red stop light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of loud, bearded, young Muslims, shouting anti-Australian slogans, with a half-burned Aussie flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a
"Remember 9-11" slogan, spray-painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "My God, that could have been me!"


So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.