Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Did I tell you about last Christmas?

Four of us were playing our weekly game of golf, one of the blokes remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, all meet up and play a round of Christmas golf.

We all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, say 7, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, its 7am and there we are on the golf course.

I says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

We all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at us like we have lost our minds.


"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."




I promised to pay more attention and learn from these wise ones...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

We had a power outage here last week.

My computer, television and game console immediately shut down.
It was raining so I couldn’t play golf or play with the car.

All I could do was talk to my wife for a few hours.


She seems like a nice person.

So I was trying to remember the old nursery rhymes...

Turns out I didnt learn them like I thought... My wife (the minister for war and fianance) tells me they are not correct...

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
When it died of electric shock.
********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to sing,
He kissed them too 'cause that was his thing!
********************

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car.




I cannot see where they are wrong but she assures me they are...

Apparently, I need to learn them again!

I can release this information now as it was brought up in the court case I believe.

After one of his many visits to the whore house, Craig THOMSON noticed green lumps on his willy,

So he goes to the doctors. That's serious! says the doctor.

Well how do I explain it, says THOMSON, I don't understand it myself.... could I scrape it off using my HSU credit card? Thats fixed everything else so far..

Well, no, let me explain it, says the Doctor, You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears??

Yes? says THOMSON seriously.

Well Craig says the doctor You've got brothel sprouts.


I learnt .... no Im not sure what I learnt here ????

Today I learned that a Woman's sense of humour is directly related to her mode of transport

I have the head off the L322 at the moment, and after doing some work to it at a mates workshop, it was cleaned in his spin wash so it looks like new. SWMBO commented that although she thought it looked very nice, it would be more useful screwed back onto the engine.

My reply was that I was in no rush as the fuel economy of the Rangie has been brilliant for the last few weeks....

Judging by the lump on my head, I'm guessing she found it less amusing than me...

On the subject of different nursery rhymes.....
This was found in a Monty Python book, of all places...

Mary had a little lamb, and it was always gruntin'
She tied it to a five bar gate and kicked it's little **** in
Make of that what you will

Originally Posted by Disco Muppet

On the subject of different nursery rhymes.....
This was found in a Monty Python book, of all places...

Mary had a little lamb, and it was always gruntin'
She tied it to a five bar gate and kicked it's little **** in
Make of that what you will

Naaah you've got the pets mixed up.

It was Mary's little pig that was always gruntin'.

Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was black as charcoal.
She tied it to the garden gate, and kicked it in the .... hole.