Things I've learnt.....

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But never seen her bare.

My favourite alternative..........

Old Mother Hupboard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone,
But when she bent down,
The dog came around
And gave her a .... of his own :wasntme:

Boy Ive had a bad day!!!

My series 1 wouldnt start, I couldnt work out the problem...
Frankly I had no idea..
So I had to call a mechanic out to look at my car this morning,
"What's the damage, mate?" I asked.

"It reminds me a lot of Oscar Pistorius," he said as he rubbed his hand over the bonnet.

"Why is that?" I laughed, "because it's silver and green?"

"No," He replied, "because I doubt the bastard will ever run again."


I learnt not to ask....

The easiest way to find something is to buy a replacement.

Sorry it has been so long...

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble started…!


I've learnt to hide real well!!

We took my son, to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, He turned to my wife and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?"
My wife said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
My son said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
My wife, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."

My son wasn't satisfied with her response, and turns to me, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
I said, "That's the elephant's penis."
My son said "Mum said it was nothing."
I said "I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."


I learnt its always good to be honest with your kids! :)


Seriously though Ive been trying to look after myself...
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.

Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.

It's great though. It does everything –
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot..

I learnt that maybe I should take it easy on the new machines... :)




Anyway today I've been reading Rolf Harris' unreleased autobiography....

this passage struck me, and now I realise there was so much there we didnt all pick up on..

"Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary."


I learnt maybe we should all read between the lines sometimes.


feel free to join in...

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


I learnt its good to be an Aussie! :twisted:

I'm a bit worried...

I think the clutch in my butt has broken and failed...

because try as I do, I cannot seem to get my arse into gear this morning

Nothing goes as fast as a Wicked campervan, not even a Telecom or Government car. :o

I’ve learnt that Neighbours can be very inconsiderate!!!

Just last night one of them knocked on my door at 2.30am!:mad:

Luckily I was still up practicing the Bagpipes.;)