Thread: Things I've learnt.....

While travelling I was camping with a tent, at one stage stopping at the Wintersun caravan park just out of Townsville and had a stretcher set up in the tent.
This stretcher was of the type that had springs to keep the base taut, they were fastened to metal eyelets on the wooden frame and when I moved around while asleep, these would give out a rather loud squeak.

The next morning I was told in a most aggressive manner by the bloke in the tent next to me, a tough old prospector, to shut them up or I would be moved out of the park.
.

So I've been busy making lists... here is the top 9 things Ive learnt this month...

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Ladies, its important you know, Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes make him a sandwich. You'll soon know which emotion is present!

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take anti depressants to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a bowl of hot and spicy curry. What you enjoy today might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and as a bonus fact, as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long...


Feel free to join in....

Sorry I havent written, but I became very ill and in fact turned into a dog!!
As such though I always try to learn some things....
I have learnt that as a dog its important to remember these....


I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbo is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty litter pieces" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The nappy bucket is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mummy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mum's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mum's driver's license

I was in a bar the other night and three very hefty ladies were at the bar...

They appeared to be speaking with a Scottish accent... so I approached them and asked "Hello, are you three lovely ladies from Scotland?"

"It's WALES you idiot, cant you hear me? its WALES !!"
One of them screamed at me!

the whole bar went quiet....

So, I apoligised profusely, "I am so very very sorry, I didn't realise..... So, are you three Whales from Scotland?"

Tha'ts pretty much the last thing I remembered for about 24 hours.

I must learn to think things through first.

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS... i think we can all learn from these.

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words:

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill


I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating.

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"- Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.."
- Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
– Groucho

I turned on the TV and listened to the commentator,
Welcome to the Lazy Olympics! , he said, Stay tuned to see the athletes inaction! .. I knew it was going to be one of those days...

I decided to go out for the day, then I remembered that its Gay Pride Week, thinking about it I decided an excursion during Gay Pride Week probably shouldn't be called an outing, so I took a “trip”. I had been offered free lessons at the Skydiving Academy. I jumped at the chance.

As I was floating down I saw a farmer in the field with his metric cows, I watched as he counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200. It was then that I realised that pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

I was very confused, the jump didn’t clear my head, I still had lots of questions I was struggling with... Like:
• Is a midget mother in a bikini wearing the bare mini-mum required by decency?
• When a tailor dies, do his friends give him a fitting tribute?
• I don't understand why there aren't more farmers. Isn't it supposed to be a growing industry?
• Is irony what you use to combat wrinkly?
• Do law firms soliciting clients offer a free trial?

These questions filled my head.. I decided I had to do something different to clear my head..I decided to list my unique skills and knowledge to make me feel better..
• My memory for smells is perfect - I have total reek-all.
• I know that if you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
• I know that a cannibal's favourite cheese is Limburger.
• Dry erase boards are remarkable
• You call a pod of musical whales an orcastra.

I went to a bar to have a few drinks, whilst I was there I saw a guy who got so drunk at the Gay Pride parade that he couldn't see straight!
There were people from all over the world there, so I asked each of them what they thought we should know about their countries... I learnt these pearls of wisdom:

• The U.S. 2nd Amendment legalizes T-Shirts. Americans have the "right" to bare arms.
• People who can speak extemporaneously come from ad-Libya..... I think.
• I heard about the Mexican train killer, apparently he had locomotives.
• I asked what's great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus was the answer.
• The part of Africa that supplies novice gamers is Noobia.

I was a bit upset when I realised I was in a racist ethnic bar that would only serve White Russians. It was time for me to go back to work anyway, I had a job crushing American soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

I hope you don't mind I just thought I'd list a few things from my day.

You have a great day.
Feel free to join in...

Let me tell you about the day I’ve had!

It all started when a magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
I couldn’t believe it , I was so shocked I needed a drink and went in the nearest bar.

An old pirate walked into the bar with a car's steering wheel between his legs. The bartender says, "Sir, did you know there is there a steering wheel between your legs?" The pirate replied "I know. It’s been there all day and it's driving me nuts!"

I chatted with the pirate and learnt some interesting facts, like:
*What did he say when he turned 80? "Aye Matey!"
*What did the ocean say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved.
*Pirate's when asked to name their favourite musical instrument, will always go for the loot.

This conversation made me think about all the questions I had about living on the water, like;
If you were to bring pasta into a canoe, would that be for canoodling?
If you're on a cruise ship and want to buy a hat, do you tell them your capsize?
Do frogs and toads play croak-et?
Do ducks hook up TVs with quaxial cables?
If you were to disrobe while in a canoe, would you be ca-nude?

Anyway I’d had enough to drink and left the bar, as I walked out a termite walked into a bar and asked "Is the bar tender here?"

Have a good day,
Feel free to join in.



(PS is this thread almost the longest nonsense thread with a majority one poster involved??)

If you're feeling down, park in a disabled space and very soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you!