Things I've learnt.....

thanks but really people join in!!


My father told me this happened just the other day at his house...
MUM AND DAD HAVE BEEN MARRIED 44 YEARS THIS WEEK,
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, DAD TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT HIS WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $20,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY MUM IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD HIM TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT HE WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE ANY MID-LIFE CRISIS!!!.

DUE TO THE UNTIMELY DEMISE OF MICHAEL JACKSON,
I HAVE DECIDED TO POST THIS LAST PICTURE TAKEN OF THE
JACKSON 5 TOGETHER....

just click to see it better....



Attachment 16728






CHEERS
Digger

3rd and probably last for the night....
have a good weekend!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones::angel:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.;)
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.:(

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. :o

2. The Red Book value of your LANDROVER goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. :(

4. You think a woman who is out of your league, bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their toilets so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'. :twisted:

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the National Anthem start 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11 You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. You celebrate halloween and the Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. :D

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. :eek:

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. :confused:

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.:angel:

18. For Xmas you upgraded the kids cubby on the front lawn from a VC commodore to a VP wagon shell..:)

19. When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree, except the dog only pees!!!.

Hi there Digger

The minister of Finance and war wasnt all that impressed on the 1955 advert you sent to our home email address.....

As for me "keep them comming"

All the best

Wayne

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ellard

Hi there Digger

The minister of Finance and war wasnt all that impressed on the 1955 advert you sent to our home email address.....

As for me "keep them comming"

All the best

Wayne

---

Maaate,
mel gave me the definate impression she would amputate bits I need if I keep sending you stuff!!!....

now i am not saying Im scared of her....yes I am....

you need a private line .....!! (eg. work email address still being blitzed by the company like a while ago or ok to send stuff via there now!??)

Our mate Andy was very busy up near my old stomping ground of Yunta yesterday, at the subject house in his 'containment" role...had to keep the spot for few hours before starries could get there..assisted to recover the householder...and had been going since early hours before that...a long day but of course he thrives on that stuff!!

(bet he had a bundy to celebrate...just to be different!)

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, 'Julia, I have a great idea !!!
‘We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler , they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. I was serving in the front bar when they walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to me, 'two schooners of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said I, 'two schooners of our best coming up.'

obviously I served them Coopers...

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.

He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking puzzled. :confused:

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called me over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'

'Strewth no!' said I, 'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!':o:twisted::wasntme:

I learnt not to listen to everything people say....the stockmen were saying they checked the dog but could only see 1 arsehole.... when I lifted the tail I saw a total of 3.....:o:angel::cool:


anyway...... LATER I WENT HOME, I WAS LIVING WITH MY GRANDPARENTS, WHEN I GOT HOME GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.....

THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH...

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST:
"YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD. ":p:eek:
I LEARNT THAT YOU SHOULDNT WATCH TELE WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS...
IT WAS ALSO ABOUT THEN THAT I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO LOOK FOR SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE....




SORRY I HAD TO ADD THESE TWO THINGS IVE LEARNT!

Hi there

Quote:

---

Our mate Andy was very busy up near my old stomping ground of Yunta yesterday, at the subject house in his 'containment" role...had to keep the spot for few hours before starries could get there..assisted to recover the householder...and had been going since early hours before that...a long day but of course he thrives on that stuff!!

---

I know what he is like-might try and call in a for a cuppa next week and get all the gossss..........or other liquid refreshments.

As I have found him another Jeep......on a station just out of port.

Wayne

BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!!
I was talking to my uncle the other day, he is a catholic priest...
he was telling me that he had a crazy day only the week before when it was his turn to take confession at the major church in the area...
firstly he said a married Irishman went into the confessional and said to my uncle the priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'


Uncle(the priest) said, 'What do you mean, almost?'


The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'


My uncle (the priest) said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.


For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '


The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.


My uncle (the priest), who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'


The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~


Then next there was a religious young woman who went into the Confessional. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

Uncle Tim (the priest) said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

Uncle Tim (the priest) thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

Uncle Tim said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Then he was teling me that a man named Muldoon lived alone in the outback countryside with only a pet dog for company over many years. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to Uncle Tim (the parish priest) and asked, 'Father Tim, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Tim replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Uniting Church people down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father Tim. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Tim jumped to his feet and exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And he said that to top it all off:

An elderly man walks into a confessional almost last person for the day. The following conversation ensues:



Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Father Tim: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Father Tim: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Father Tim: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody'.


Have a good night
digger

join in people!!
surely there is some...!



An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.:confused:

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!':)

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!:o:p:angel:


night!

this makes three for the night!!

I know that we have all often wondered why fire engines are red....

so I have worked it all out (well found this anyway!)

I thought of you Ellard immediately!!!! Enjoy!

Red fire fighter

There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.

Four and eight makes 12.

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.

Ships sail in the sea.

The sea has fish.

Fish have fins.

The Finns are always fighting the Russians.

Russians are known as "red".

Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.