Thread: Things I've learnt.....

I just figured I'd give you guys a run down on my employment history....so you have an idea of my background;

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory. But I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... Couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

Worked one day as an operator on an elevator, but the job had too many ups and downs.

My last job was working in a coffee shop, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

SO, I'M GOING TO TRY RETIREMENT AND I THINK I'LL FIND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!



Digger


FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN!

Tried to be a Police officer but just couldn't cop it! ...... Although it was an arresting time.

Then I became a doorman, I thought I had all the openings, but eventually they all closed.

After that I became a pilot and was all up in the air with it, but eventually I had to come down.

nice!!! cheers!

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything..'
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I phoned the local builders, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Mick,

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard. LOVE THIS!

I searched everywhere but I couldnt find an elephant stamp!!

great work!! thanks

Ive not posted for a while, I was making a documentary...
I spent a month with SNOW WHITE!!

anyway last week was a normal week, the seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores, and I stayed with her, filming her making the beds and cleaning the house.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

On Friday as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, we saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

I didnt know what to do but filmed it all completely, tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me ? Hello !'



We listened intently but for a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello ! Is anyone down there ?'


Just as she was about to give up all hope, we heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,

“VOTE FOR GILLARD”

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God ! At least Dopey is still alive ! '


anyway, Im not sure theyll pick up my doco....

Got my oldest son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.


It was around then the fight started......

I learned that some people don't like technology!

Puns for Educated Minds


1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


He acquired his size from too much pi.


2.


I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


3.


She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4.


A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


5.


No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6.


A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7.


A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8.


Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9.


A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


10.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


13.


I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14.


A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


15.


The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


16.


The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


17.


A backward poet writes inverse.


18.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count


that votes.


19.


When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20.


If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .


21.


A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


22.


Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


24.


Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25.


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.