Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Received this in an email from someone in the Mother Country.


This could also be used and sent to Julia Gillard !!!!


Grumpies of the world unite


This is simplicity itself.
Which is obviously why politicions cant figure it out!!!!!!
Please read to the end.


Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire.

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed


4) They MUST send their kids toschool/college/university -

Crime rate fixed


5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

and there's your money back in duty/tax etc


6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme
that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to
reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them
down.

It can't get any easier than that!



P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances



If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.



Grumpies of the World Unite



Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.



Think about this (more points of contention):


------------------------------------------------------------------------

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the
mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in
the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a
Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
centuries and we're not using it anymore.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Kiwis, Craig and Kieran, are walking down Campbell Pde,Bondi. Kieran looks in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign says 'Special Deal, Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers$5.00 per pair'

Kieran says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune'.

'Now whin we go unto the shop,you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might give us bad service'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, U’ll kup my mouth shut.'

They go in and Kieran says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, suxty shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck, und...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Will... Yis,' says a surprised Kieran. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.


__________________________________________________ __________________________


A wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband said: "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."

She said: "What's that mean?"

He said: "Adorable Beautiful Cute Delightful Elegant Foxy Gorgeous Hot."

She said "Ooohh that's so lovely - but what about I J K?"

He said: "I'm. Just. Kidding."

Had a Bin Laden Latte today,

Fluffy head with two shots.....

Originally Posted by rednjoey

Had a Bin Laden Latte today,

Fluffy head with two shots.....

our local pub is doing an Osama Bin Laden cocktail...
two shots followed by a spash of water....




how ironic though, live 90% of your life in the desert and in hiding and nowhere near a beach... and get killed by a seal....

I'm sure I don't have to put the punchline for this one...
what was the last thing to go through his head before he died?



anyway, I was stunned by the news that when theyve reviewed the navy seals footage they have discovered that O.B.L appears to
have become a HINDU at some time shortly before his death. This was found in the frame x frame analysis of the raid, he stood up and clearly seen in the footage was a red dot on his forehead...............

Its been a while, but Im still learning!

I've learnt to leave myself messages about things coming up soon.

so a few days ago this popped up on my computer
"BIRTHDAY REMINDER

so I feel I should tell you who's birthday it is.......

Because this week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 50!!

Can you believe it ? It seems like only yesterday, She was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, Putting everything in her mouth................



They grow up so fast, don't they?

(<----MM maybe thats not very appropriate....or maybe its too appropriate! <--- Umm yeah not that one either!! I'll stick with this one ----> )

So I tried out being a pastor at the local church, and I learnt to adapt
..let me explain - using the example of our New church member

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to my secretary,
"I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

" I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

My secretary leaves her desk and goes into my office (the pastor's study) to inform me of her situation. I agreed that my secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

We both returned to her office and I asked the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says.
"I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," I said. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time Sir?"

Like I said, I learnt to adapt.

Sorry its been so long!
(Ive been a slow learner!)

I moved to America (USA) for a short time and joined a very Traditional Sioux Indian tribe

I learnt there that after a woman gets married she takes a new name given to her by her new husband.

My host, Running Wolf, introduced me to his wife "Four Horses".

I asked about this tradition, and assumed it was like the old yarn ("Why do you ask two dogs.....um...copulating?!!!")

But Running Wolf told me this was not the case, it was related to the persons personality and spirit, So I asked about Four Horses name, was it because she has the stamina of Four Horses working around the settlement so hard and still able to look so pretty?

No, Running wolf said, Its because all she does is NAG NAG NAG NAG"

I learnt sometimes one shouldnt ask questions!

So I have leaarnt some more stuff again!!
collected wise sayings over time....


A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."
Census Question fro last census - are there too many immigrants in Australia? 17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of boat people, single mums, dole bludgers, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he didn't give a toss, he went anyway.
(What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show)

Just $13 will buy water and food for a family in Africa for a week. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons Liquor are doing 4 TEDs for $12-99.
100 people from Elizabeth were asked today if they thought Australia should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Dole.
Rough bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.
Paddy burst into the Centrelink Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl at counter replies, those are our opening times.
Today in an opinion poll I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said 'Those bloody frenchies.' Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
I have to go now, while I was typing this some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!


what should I do with the camera??