Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Some thoughts and quotes I've jotted down as I travelled...

I'm the humblest person I know.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

We never make misteaks.

87.5% of all statistics are made up.

The technical term for "being unable to remember the word you want" is, uh ...

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

The two rules for success are:
1. Never tell them everything you know.

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.



The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.

Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

There should be a rule that we don't talk about politics.

Speling is my favourite subject (Bill Winder)

Just say NO to negativity!

I am not in denial!

Being bored keeps me busy.

I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite.

I used to be a perfectionist, but I'm trying to improve.

Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.

Repeat after me. We are all individuals. - Brian (Graham Chapman) in Monty Python's Life of Brian.

A man's response to seeing the ocean for the first time: "It's not as big as I thought it would be."

If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 5%? (Joel Gwynn)

All generalizations are wrong (Vivek Dhar)

"Sterility is hereditary" and "disobey me". (Alexandre Bouthors)

I swear to god i must be the only true optimist left on the planet. (Carl Crowder)

My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care. (Carl Crowder)

It's extremely important that you fully understand how completely trivial this statement is.

If I am not on Mars, I must be somewhere else. Since I am somewhere else, I must not be here. Could I am there? It is certainly somewhere else. Please take a look and let me know if find me.

Paraphrased from Victor Borge on stage: "The last time I was here... - well it's not the last time, this is. But I hope it isn't.

What is this a paraphrase of?

I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid (James Demastus)

"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none. (Chris Mark)

Always remember that you are a unique individual; just like everyone else. (Mike Saltzman)

I want to join the Optimist's Club, but they probably won't accept me. (David Cervera)

Some people say I have a short attention span, but I .......(David Cervera)

I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying things over and over? (Mike Kaply)

I tried to be patient but it took too long

I am never mistaken. Well, once I was wrong because I thought I was wrong.

I thought about changing my mind, but then I reconsidered.

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."


A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

... a conversation I once had with a Scottish earl in which he condemned snobbery on the grounds that it was 'common'. (Toby Young, Spectator Jan 2010.

After years of refusing to take my calls, I have finally decided to be my own best friend. And now I don't call. Did I wait too long? (Douglas N. Beck)

"And finally, what question would you least like to be asked in this interview?" "That was it." (Sean Omweg)

Patience is a virtue I wish I'd waited for. (Allan Tripp)

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

All extremists should be taken out and shot!

If you say "gullible" very slowly it sounds like "oranges". (Julie Truong)

If you are what you eat; eat a vegetarian. (David Vulcez)

I thought I was wrong once but I was correct. (David Vulcez)

I am very passionate about my apathy. (David Vulcez)

"They're saying Facebook and Twitter have killed meaningful communication." "Like."

You are what you believe so believe in yourself. (David Vulcez)

I accept all religious beliefs, except this one. (John Carlson)

I'm so meta, even this acronym. (Jake Brown)

It brings bad luck to be superstitious.

Some people get confused when a sentence doesn't end as they potato.


anyway that clears my notebook of quotes and thoughts

Cheers

Well I have had another terrible lesson...
How best to explain it?
Oh, what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue;

I took a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later we went on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as I dropped her at her door I stared into her beautiful big brown eyes and says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night after a shower and shave and wearing my best clothes I knocked on her door and when she opens it she slapped me hard across the face. I was stunned. 'What was that for?' I asked.

She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said,

"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.'

Well, I've learnt to pick my words better in future!

I had some time off over the weekend,
So I walks into a bar with a huge pet newt on my shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks me what I call it.

'Tiny', I answer.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt' I said.

Been a while but hopefully Ive learnt some juicy stuff which I'll pass on to you guys now..

Ive been able to talk to a mate of mine who has been working as a solicitor on the Oscar PISTORIOUS trial in South Africa.. He has given me the good oil on the case..

He told me that although Oscar has been claiming he thought she was a burglar. Actually he was really ****ed off that she bought him socks for Valentines Day.

But things aren't all that bad for Oscar. Really... At least he has the court's best car parking space.

In my opinion everyone is being far too quick to judge Oscar. To quote the bible; "Let he who is without shins cast the first stone"

His attorney is claiming that Oscar needs sympathy as he was very highly sprung!

Oscar was accused of using a cricket bat to break down the door, I heard today that he was also caught with a pair of stumps

I think Oscar Pistorius has said he won't be entering any further races. Actually I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he's in prison.

But the juicy stuff, Yesterday a new witness has come forward in the Pistorius trial. She claims she saw a sawn-off man with a shotgun.

Oscar Pistorius defence team has said that bail should only be set at 100 pounds, as he does not believe that Mr. Pistorius will try to skip out or jump bail, and the chances he'd go on run are also limited

Now Oscar gets bail I wonder, how will they give him an ankle tag? It is serious though, Oscar has been put on suicide watch.
At least they don't have to worry about taking his shoe laces.

Following the shooting police received a phone call about a suspect running away from the scene.
He was described as being white, and between 5'9" and 8'3".

OK gotta go, cheers!

Oscar Pistorius wanted to get a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.
Horrible, I know.

The police asked Oscar Pistorious who he thought was in the bathroom on that fateful night.

"I don't know", he said, "it had me stumped"

I recently graduated from University with a degree in journalism.

My first assignment for the local newspaper who hired me
was to write a human interest story. Being from the country I went
back to the country, but to get a different angle went into Victoria to do my research.

I went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced myself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why I was there. I asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made youhappy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" I exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big
posse that time and found her . After we all screwed her, we took
her back home."

Again, I said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at me and said, "I got lost once........"

I learnt I wasnt cut out to be a reporter!

Feel free to join in...

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.