Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Last weekend, after being married for eighteen years, my wife asked me to describe her.

I looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said... ? Oh that's lovely. How about I, J, K?"

I said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in my eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving my testicles.

I've learnt to think it but not say it....

Feel free to join in...

Did I tell you about when I owned a pub?

One night a rabbit hops into a pub and says to the me, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie please ? "

I was amazed, but gave the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
I was now intrigued by the rabbit – and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) – gave the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night the pub is packed.
In hops the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as I gave the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then bursts into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
Next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
I was making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In hops the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie please barman.’
I says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when I cleared my throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie.'
The rabbit look me in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?'
The massed bar is ear-shatteringly silent.
With a roguish smile I says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends? I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished pub, I sat alone, and had only served four drinks that night, three of which were mine, I called time.
When I was cleaning down the now empty bar-room, I saw a small white form floating above the bar.
I says, 'Who are you?'
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house..'
I said 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says 'Yes, I know.'
I said 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit says 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
I said 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' I said, shocked, 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...


'Mixin’ me toasties.'



I learnt not to change diet.....I still miss that bunny...

I'm still learning...

This morning I was beaten up by a woman...I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.

I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards.
I'm not sure what I learnt...


feel free to join in

I was sitting at the bus stop the other day and Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, were talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??".

Edna: "No, no, no... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".

I learnt not to listen in.

feel free to join in..

I've had a hard day,

I ran into an old girlfriend, Michelle,
I remember we were invited to a friends fancy dress party, and I showed up naked, giving my also naked lady a piggy back. When my mate asked why I was naked, I replied with "Well, I'm a turtle, and this is Michelle!"


That was OK but I learnt some things like:-

When Mylie Cyrus gets n*ked and licks a hammer, it is regarded as "Music" and "Art";

when I do it, I am regarded as "Drunk" and "Have to leave Bunnings".


I was at work,...A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I charged him with shoplifting on two counts.


I got home and my wife came in :
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Me: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous, theres no rain "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Me: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"


I learnt not to question her....

feel free to join in

I was on the computer last night and the wife asked what I was doing

I said, "Im just looking for some cheap flights"

She kissed me and was really happy all day

funny really, she never showed any interest in darts before....

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as I was sent there because a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate that collapsed onto him in the factory.

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled out;
"The Milky Bars are on me!"
People just cheered..

I learnt people are different...