Things I've learnt.....

**digger** · 17th January 2009, 10:02 AM

So I spent my Christmas break travelling about the place, visiting some friends and a heap of relatives.

I spent a very interesting week in BLINMAN….I thought I’d share it with you all…

First I met a roofer in the front bar, he told me he had just come from a wedding of Two antennas who met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but he says the reception was excellent.

He told me about a wedding 5 years ago, An invisible man married an invisible woman. He says the kids were nothing to look at either.

While he was talking to me a man was refused access to the bar because he wasn’t wearing a tie, (it’s a toffy pub that BLINMAN pub) He left but came back with a set of jumper leads around his neck, he walked into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

On Tuesday three men walked into the bar, he fourth one, seeing these blokes all hit it stopped before he hit it...

Yesterday I saw two peanuts walk into the bar, and one was a salted.

This morning a dyslexic man walks into the bra.

Last week I went to a seafood disco here...and pulled a mussel.

They had a one beer per person limit so I walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under my arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'

I saw there were two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

I saw the local doctor at the bar, ‘thank god’ I said, 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

He looked at me 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

I was worried, 'Is it common ?'

He said, 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

After drinking there for a while I made friends with a barmaid and her husband, she tells me when she was very young she had twins, and gave them up for adoption.

One of them went to a family from Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family from Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Opening the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

I suddenly got Deja Moo: (The feeling that you've heard this bull before.)
I saw that a group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

And were standing in the reception area discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

This was too much for me, so I went outside and talked to a fisherman in the carpark…..he looked at me seriously and said, What do you call a fish with no eyes ?, I shrugged…”A fsh” he said.

Then he told me about the ancient fishermans tale of two fish swimming into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other & says, 'Dam !'

Then he told me of when he fished in the “polar region” and he saw two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I told him of Mahatma Gandhi,who as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

He suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I had to go, as I drove away I saw two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

I stopped at an army disposals shop to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, they said they had lots of stock but I couldn't find any.

Finally, there was the person who sent different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
DIGGER

**digger** · 17th January 2009, 10:16 PM

The Box Office

The times are changing...

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits,
etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'Now It's The Box Office.'

Digger

**digger** · 18th January 2009, 01:34 PM

The internet is great...been chatting online to a 14yo girl..she is funny, sexy,
and very flirty..
Now she tells me she is an undercover cop...!!!...

How cool is that at her age....!!!!

(Just joking!!)

**Bigbjorn** · 18th January 2009, 02:42 PM

Originally Posted by digger

Royal Australian Air Force Rules For Gunfights:

1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on pay TV
4. Determine 'what is a gunfight'
5. Request more funding from Government with a 'killer' Power Point presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Parliamentarians, invite ADF officials & defence industry executives

7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the grunts

Royal Australian Navy Rules For Gunfights:

1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn

4. Send the grunts

have a good day!!

Digger!

you missed out rhese operating procedures of the blue orchids:-

Check calendar to see if the gunfight request is not on a weekend or public holiday.

Look at clock to see if the request is in office hours.

Check to see if weather is inclement and thus the request can be referred back to the grunts.

d@rk51d3 · 20th January 2009, 10:06 PM

How about the mexican fireman who had twins.

He called the first child Hosea.

The second he called Hose b.

**digger** · 21st January 2009, 01:09 AM

Originally Posted by d@rk51d3

How about the mexican fireman who had twins.

He called the first child Hosea.

The second he called Hose b.

NAH .....THAT WASNT A MEXICAN,

(IT WASNT ANY VICTORIAN!

) THAT WAS ELLARD, HE'S OBSESSED BY FIREFIGHTING YOU KNOW!

(DUCKS AS GRENADE THROWN AMONGST PIDGEONS)

**digger** · 28th January 2009, 11:21 PM

You know you're Australian if:

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, lobsters and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total bastar*' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastar*'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Pineapple-- Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song / Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again /.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

Hope you had a happy Australia Day!

**digger** · 9th February 2009, 03:37 AM

Theyve fixed my car!!

I know its off topic but I had trouble getting the motor on HORRIE to run smoothly.... I took it to a mechanic who has it running smoothly now!!

I asked him what it was, was it something I did wrong or didnt do?

he replied, "ahh its nothing much just crap in the carby"

So I need to know how often should I do this and should I use a sieve?

digger

**digger** · 14th February 2009, 01:37 AM

since it is valentines day today....

(notes that half the blokes reading just went "what, oh &*%*, and ran towards car and shops)

I deceided to be nice to my wife and so I went into her work and in front of everyone I gave her, with much aplomb, her favorite flower...

bugger me, she went absolutely bersek, she was mad at me!!!

how can I bloke win???

I know she likes surprises, it couldnt be that....

I know it was valentines day, so not that....

I know its her favourite flower, she always buys self raising.....

(night night----from the doghouse!)

digger

**digger** · 5th March 2009, 11:43 PM

ahh my own thread!!!
just so as you all know Ive been let back into the house after valentines day!!

have you guys been watching this financial crisis thing develop???

I calculate that if the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ...

the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And don't you just know it, when these two banks merge, it would still be full of bloody *******.

.have a nice day...

digger

Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Thread Tools

My Christmas week in BLINMAN

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions