Thread: Things I've learnt.....

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?


The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'


The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.


Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds


Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.


The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'


'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.


Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.


The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'


'I like it!' says his seat mate.


The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.


Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.


The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'




The agent nervously replies,




'He just found a bomb !'

URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT MAN-FLU

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men)



2. Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.



3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.



4. Men do not ‘moan’ when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.



5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of coffee are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.



6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast.)



7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.



8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.



9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting ‘lady medicines’ like Lemsip, so don’t bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.



10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Diagnosis Murder’ it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke’s voice has remarkable soothing powers.



Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of coffee, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we’ll beat this monstrous disease together.

Originally Posted by digger

F-16 vs C-130

THERE IS A MORAL HERE!

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier..

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that ?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!Older folks understand this one.


digger

and the other one...

the F111 Pilot was ribbing the pilot of the C-130 that was ferrying over some stuff doing all the show off manouvers and generally being something of a whacker.

the 130 pilot kept edging him with replies to the effect of that, thats nice but its still not as impressive as the trick I can do that you cant and if you can I'll buy you a months worth of latte when we land. Which would lead the 111 pilot into doing more death defying airframe twisting wing ripping manouvers.

finally sounding exhausted the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot to do the manouver so that he might have a go a replicating it. the 130 pilot obliged.

After a further 2 minutes of straight and level the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot when he was going to do his trick

the 130 pilot came back with. Look closely I just shut down 2 engines.

Originally Posted by Blknight.aus

and the other one...

the F111 Pilot was ribbing the pilot of the C-130 that was ferrying over some stuff doing all the show off manouvers and generally being something of a whacker.

the 130 pilot kept edging him with replies to the effect of that, thats nice but its still not as impressive as the trick I can do that you cant and if you can I'll buy you a months worth of latte when we land. Which would lead the 111 pilot into doing more death defying airframe twisting wing ripping manouvers.

finally sounding exhausted the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot to do the manouver so that he might have a go a replicating it. the 130 pilot obliged.

After a further 2 minutes of straight and level the 111 pilot asked the 130 pilot when he was going to do his trick

the 130 pilot came back with. Look closely I just shut down 2 engines.

love it!!

Will be ringing my mate in the raaf in the am!!
(no he's not a pilot but he'll love it!)
cheers BK!


digger

I found this very amusing.....hope you guys like it!!
digger

Subject: Gym Membership..

Read from the top of the email down .






From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.


From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

USA quote of the month!!

They once said that a black man would be President when pigs flew.

His first 100 days and - wham, Pig's flu !!!

The Rural Recession has been explained to me in simple terms by an old-time
farmer:

"Whats wrong?" I asked
"Well, he said, "It all started back in 1966 when we changed from pounds to dollars - that doubled me bloody overdraft."

"I suppose it did", I chuckled

Then they brought in kilograms instead of pounds - me bloody wool clip
dropped by half.

"It would have.." I said

"After that," he said, " they changed rain to millimetres and we haven't had an inch of rain since."

"Yeah it is a bit dry", I said

"If that wasn't enough, they brought on Celsius, and it never got over 40
degrees, no wonder me bloody wheat won't grow."

"Thats nasty isnt it," I said

"Then they changed acres to hectares, and I ended up with only half the
land I had." he said.

"Mongrels!" I said

"So," he says, "By this time I'd had enough and decided to sell out."

"Good on yer I reckon" I said

"I put the property in the agent's hand and then they changed miles to kilometres."

"The bastards!" I agreed

He says, "And now I'm too far out of town for anybody to buy the bloody
place!!"


have a nice day

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalisation?






Answer:

Princess Diana's death.







Question:

How come?







Answer:



An English princess with





An Egyptian boyfriend





Crashes in a French Tunnel,








in a German car





With a Dutch engine,





Driven by a Belgian





Who was drunk On Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),





Followed closely by





Italian Paparazzi,





on Japanese motorcycles;





treated by an American doctor,







using Brazilian medicines.








This is sent to you by




An Australian,





using Bill Gates's technology,





and you're probably reading this on your computer,





that uses Taiwanese Chips,






and a Korean monitor,





Assembled by Bangladeshi workers





in a Singapore plant,





Transported by Indian truck-drivers,





Hijacked by Indonesians,





Unloaded by Maltese wharfies,





and trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders




That, my friends, is Globalisation !