Thread: Joke thread 2

The trials and tribulations of the human male...



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion started to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"



So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."



She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
Big deptartment store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take
so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.



Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
Because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.



I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.



Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

"WHAT???!!!"



I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Originally posted by medic455


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

BWWAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Classic top of the class medic :wink:

Originally posted by bigbugga
Classic top of the class medic

Yep. 1st class.

again not a joke,, but a good laugh,,,,


This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney University.

It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- >you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding, a reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends............... $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion............................. $3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui........................... $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

Wife goes missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.
Husband spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,but, some good news and maybe some really good news". "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,what's the bad news?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathom in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her wet suit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Originally posted by landrovermick
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Don't know...........Just looks like one of Vlad's normal posts















:roll: :roll: I know, sad but the first 100 aint far away [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Originally posted by landrovermick
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

At first I went into Gaelic mode.

Then I realsed that I was reading the mother tongue.

I wno't bthoer wtih slepl cehck in ftuer :wink: