Haynes Manuals

[BMKal]

Unashamedly stolen from another forum - but at least some of the examples given here are something that we can probably all relate to.

Good thing that RAVE is a bit better than this ............

HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who havn't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?

[UncleHo]

G'day BMKal


Yes! I have seen and had to repair some of the non-mechanical and Haynes manual efforts, But, I have found that some of the older Haynes publications 80's early 90's are better written and illustrated than the newer publications, my old light green cover Landrover Series 2/2a/3 4cylinder petrol to be a better book that the later grey covered one. and the Haynes early Commodore very English Vauxhall



cheers

[BMKal]

G'day BMKal


Yes! I have seen and had to repair some of the non-mechanical and Haynes manual efforts, But, I have found that some of the older Haynes publications 80's early 90's are better written and illustrated than the newer publications, my old light green cover Landrover Series 2/2a/3 4cylinder petrol to be a better book that the later grey covered one. and the Haynes early Commodore very English Vauxhall



cheers

Too true.

I used to have a Haynes manual for early Holdens (60's). It was quite a good publication, and far better than the workshop manual released by Holden themselves at the time.

In later years, I purchased a Haynes manual for a Toyota Hi-Ace. Was a waste of money really.

[UncleHo]

Yeah! but you can fix most anything with a 4lb lump hammer, a cold chisel, a 12inch shifter, and fencing wire


Once saw a Fergy Tractor with a hardwood piston ran with a slight miss and a little smokey.




Bung-Tiddley

[V8Ian]

This one would be a bit of a worry then.

[DiscoSaffa]

G'day BMKal


Yes! I have seen and had to repair some of the non-mechanical and Haynes manual efforts, But, I have found that some of the older Haynes publications 80's early 90's are better written and illustrated than the newer publications, my old light green cover Landrover Series 2/2a/3 4cylinder petrol to be a better book that the later grey covered one. and the Haynes early Commodore very English Vauxhall



cheers

Too true.

I used to have a Haynes manual for early Holdens (60's). It was quite a good publication, and far better than the workshop manual released by Holden themselves at the time.

In later years, I purchased a Haynes manual for a Toyota Hi-Ace. Was a waste of money really.

So true! My first car, and Haynes Manual was a '79 Fiat 131. Was well written and allowed me to do most things myself..... with that manual I overhauled the engine myself...... More recently I bought one for my FL1.... was very dissapponted, definately not to the same standard!

[Landy Smurf]

i love the translations made me laugh

[BMKal]

This one would be a bit of a worry then.

That covers a pretty broad spread of model years.

Didn't know that they were still making them in 2008.

[V8Ian]

It would appear they'll still be in production in 2108.

[350RRC]

I have an old Haynes RRC manual that has been quite handy at times. Includes text and diagrams on an LT 95 rebuild which later ones don't.

Some of the funnier contents that come to mind include the number of times they specify floor removal to do something. This also mandates removing seats, carpet, lower dash and heater. They make it sound like a 1 hour job.

Another is the text at the very END of the LT 95 rebuild chapter:


‘Note: It is sometimes difficult to decide whether it is worthwhile removing and dismantling the gearbox for a fault which may be nothing more than a minor irritant. Gearboxes which howl, or where the syncromesh is worn but double declutching can overcome the problem, may continue to perform for a long time in this stage A worn gearbox usually needs a complete rebuild to eliminate noise because the various gears, if re-aligned on new bearings, will continue to howl when different wearing surfaces are presented to each other.
The decision to overhaul therefore, must be considered with regard to time and money available, relative to the degree of noise or malfunction that the driver can tolerate.’

You'd think it would be at the start.

cheers, DL