Funnies..addon your own

[bigbugga]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on
my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
"come look at the hamster!" Oh, my gosh," my wife
diagnosed after a minute.

"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
and Ernie, Mom!

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient.

After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We
were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle..And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... ts...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

[bigbugga]

What to Do For A Cough


John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be
his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

[LRHybrid100]

Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he "watched the rugby on Saturday and the Wallabies were sh*te."

UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could
have happened any time over the last 12 months.

[tracker]

Chinese Proverbs
> ->->->
> It take many nails to build crib but one screw to
> fill it.
> ->->->
> Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
> ->->->
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> ->->->
> Man who lives in glass house should change clothes
> in basement.
> ->->->
> Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
> ->->->
> Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
> ->->->

[bigbugga]

<span style="color:darkblue">"The Mans Dictionary"</span>



How often have us guys been told to "Say what you mean" by our beloved lady friends?

The question is "Why should we if it saves some hassles?"

Do the following "shortcuts" sound familiar? If not, take notes as they might come in useful sometime, LOL!



"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."



"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"



"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.



"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."



"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."



"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'FTroop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."



"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."



"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."



"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"



"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."



"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."



"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[bigbugga]

<span style="color:darkblue">"The Mans Dictionary"</span>



How often have us guys been told to "Say what you mean" by our beloved lady friends?

The question is "Why should we if it saves some hassles?"

Do the following "shortcuts" sound familiar? If not, take notes as they might come in useful sometime, LOL!



"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."



"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"



"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.



"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."



"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."



"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."



"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'FTroop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."



"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."



"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."



"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."



"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"



"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."



"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."



"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[bigbugga]

What to Do For A Cough


John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be
his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

[bigbugga]

Your Face Might Stay That Way (Rated G)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reproach the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was
told not to make ugly faces, because if the wind suddenly
changed direction my face would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned."

[incisor]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you bloody NUTS?!?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you have for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay, Mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling and golf."

[incisor]

Cheap Parking

A woman walks into a bank in downtown Manhattan and goes straight up to the teller.


"I'm going on a holiday this afternoon I would like to borrow $15000 right now" she says
The teller is quite flustered and fetches the manager to assist
"What do you have as collateral for the loan Madam?" asks the manager.

"Can you see the Rolls Royce out the front? Its mine I can leave it here for the duration of my loan" she replied calmly.
The car obviously being worth far more than the loan was enough for the manager and he approved the loan, filled out the appropriate paper work, took the car into the banks underground car park, gave the woman her money and she jumped in a cab to the airport.

During the next fortnight the manager starts to worry about the identity of this woman and whether or not the Rolls was hers and has her checked out, to his surprise she is a multi-millionaire.

Two weeks later the same woman with a bit of a Tan walks up to the teller and hands over $15000 dollars in cash plus a whole $15 for the interest. The manager plucks up the courage and asks about her financial status.

"Madam, I hope you will forgive me for prying but I investigated you and found that you are indeed quite wealthy"

"This, is true" replies the woman,

"Why would someone as wealthy as yourself need to borrow a mere $15000 to go on a holiday?" he asked.

"Honey..." the woman began

"Where else in downtown Manhattan could have I parked my Rolls for two weeks for $15?"