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G'day JoJo,
Just in time for Australia day weekend - how bloody Aussie!!!
You may find the below useful:
As we close the doors on 2003 and reflect on the Rugby, the Davis Cup,
Steve Waugh and the Indian Test, Labor leaders past and present;
Perhaps it's timely to remember who we really are. WE, the people of a free
nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional ******. We come from many
lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and
although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch
and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're
divided into many states.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, café latte,
grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what
they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital,
Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud
Of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their
cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the
Family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie,
everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the state
bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single
mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often
they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as
In Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One
drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was
the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work
there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackeroos, emus, Uluru
and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of
our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly
over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland...While any mention of God seems silly in a
document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
that God probably made Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by highways, whose treacherous
Twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in
Our lust for international recognition. Not that we're whingeing; we leave
that to our Pommie immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our
national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and
"Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.
So what if it's about a sheep-stealing criminal who commits suicide? We
love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the
world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock,
the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed
Olympians in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and ****ed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed
people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian
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