Thread: Embarrassment

hEY aUS ARE YOU STAYING THERE WHILE THEY WORK ON YOUR CAR . . . .

Originally Posted by banjo

hEY aUS ARE YOU STAYING THERE WHILE THEY WORK ON YOUR CAR . . . .

Yeah mate, my plan was to take a newspaper along to read, its only 2 hours, of cause if you turn up we can....

1) sit and talk.
2)go for a walk.
3)go for a drive in the green machine.

Whatever, I would consider it a if you turned up, really it would be a great achievement for you!!!

You know i'm realy starting to feel like a retard looser & complete ****up big time ..If you gave me something that i could pull apart i could fix it ..Everything i do is wrong I have no idea what so ever ..

Wish i hadn't started this thread sometimes i should of just stayed offline I'm a ****ed up retard Yes i'm not quiet the full dollar & it hurts big time ....

I didn't see my kids being born but when i am so down i can remember ringing Karen just after micayla was born & hearing her crying & it gets me through the ****iest time Plus when Cody was born Karen rang me & the first thing she said to me was HE has red hair BUT he has your eye's...
They gets me through so much...

I can remember geting my head cracked open with a wooden rolling pin for something i did wrong these sort of things are always in the back of my mind & i think of fred crying after being born & it picks me up same with Cody's. .Had to say at the hospital that i ran under a fence thats how it happend....Actualy use could name something from a house hold & i could probably tell you what it feels like to be hit with it.....I want all this to go away so i can have some normal but it wont its not cureable at all so they stay & i have to manage..
I remember runing backwards to catch a boomarang & i hit a star picket & riped my ear bad with some lots of blood i remember being told shut the **** up put a bandaid on it .....

We had friends over when i was just going through pubity & i remember my mother & the other lady saying c'mon you show us yours & we will show you ours...
Was playing with a lighter once & sinjed my hair & mother said here i'll show you & i got burned for it...

I was taught to swim when young can't remember where it was but i was just thrown in there ya go you'll learn now....

So use tell me why should Karen give me another chance when this goes through my head all the time & there is NOTHING that can be done about it & when i have done what i have because i an so scared of loosing the only person to have shown me some love & care & respect for the first time ever anyone has done that for me..

SO yes i am a retard for ****ing Karen over so bad after she has done so much for me its not funny .....
Karen is the only person on this earth that i completly trust with my life..
& what makes it so worse is Karen has been telling me the same things as you guys but i have never seen it till use put it in retard turms for me & it kills me to have not seen it when Karen told me all this over the years So why in hell would the poor woman trust me again or open herself to me just for me to do it again . . . .

Maybe i should close the thread & just get off the net altogether..

WORSTE of all is know in myself what i have done for so long to KAREN . .


I AM SO ****ED UP & THE BEST THAT COULD HAPPEN IS THAT I CAN CONTROL IT TO SOME DEGREE...

BUT LOOK WHAT EVERYONE SO IMPORTANT TO ME HAS TO GO THROUGH . .

Now look here, GRRRRRR, you are NOT A RETARD FOR CHRISTS SAKE, the past is the past Banjo, you are using that as a crutch for not moving forward, do you want me to go over AGAIN WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. OK here we go again............
1) Dad bashed Mum when he come home from the Pub drunk, bashed older brother also.
2) First wife died suddenly at the age of 27, leaving me with two young children to raise.
3) Went through difficulties with the stepson and his drug problems.
4) Bowel cancer and the resultant radio and chemo therapy.
SO DON"T TELL ME IT CAN"T BE DONE BANJO. YOU ARE TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT FOR CHRIST SAKES. FACE UP TO YOUR DEMONS.

BANJO, WHAT IS DONE IS DONE, yesterday is history, are you going to let it ruin the rest of your life, are you going to get to 80 years of age and realise you have spent YOUR WHOLE LIFE GOING OVER WHAT IS DONE IS DONE.
You have Karen who has spent 23 years trying to drag you back from the edge, has she wasted her time? You have two children, who need you, are you going to let them down. Jesus mate, look to the future, THE PAST IS THE PAST AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!

Originally Posted by Ausfree

Now look here, GRRRRRR, you are NOT A RETARD FOR CHRISTS SAKE, the past is the past Banjo, you are using that as a crutch for not moving forward, do you want me to go over AGAIN WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. OK here we go again............
1) Dad bashed Mum when he come home from the Pub drunk, bashed older brother also.
2) First wife died suddenly at the age of 27, leaving me with two young children to raise.
3) Went through difficulties with the stepson and his drug problems.
4) Bowel cancer and the resultant radio and chemo therapy.
SO DON"T TELL ME IT CAN"T BE DONE BANJO. YOU ARE TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT FOR CHRIST SAKES. FACE UP TO YOUR DEMONS.

BANJO, WHAT IS DONE IS DONE, yesterday is history, are you going to let it ruin the rest of your life, are you going to get to 80 years of age and realise you have spent YOUR WHOLE LIFE GOING OVER WHAT IS DONE IS DONE.
You have Karen who has spent 23 years trying to drag you back from the edge, has she wasted her time? You have two children, who need you, are you going to let them down. Jesus mate, look to the future, THE PAST IS THE PAST AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!

I bloody hope not i don't want to live that long..

Don't bet on it if someone goes off at me neary cower down..
My past is stuck in my head for good . ..

Originally Posted by WhiteD3

Jason,

I read your post and understand your situation; my heart goes out to you and Karen.

My wife has had agoraphobia for 25 years. While its severity changes over time, depending on what's happening in our lives, its always there. Right now we can travel reasonably easy around the suburb but anything beyond that is a major exercise involving mental preparation and planning, and Xanax.

Going somewhere and having to turn around, lying to people about the reasons for not going to parties and functions, making excuses, not being able to maintain friendships (Bit hard to invite people over if you can reciprocate right?), yep been there done that, still there now. The people thing is most difficult aspect I think; if you're a good liar like me, people eventual think you're either antisocial or just plain don't like them, so they stop contacting you, when in reality the opposite is true. Even good friends lose patience or interest after a while.

I could write more but that'll only depress you and me even more, so hang in there is all I can say.

Mark

ITS Just not that easy for us to do that unfortunatly.. IF i could of forgot it all AUS i wouldn't have a problem at all & i would be normal . ..

& its hard to explain it .. .

Banjo, face and beat your demons. It can be done, and you can do it. Your biggest fear is fear its self and failure.
Agoraphobia is like a bully, it falters when you stand up to it; it dies when you keep standing up to it. You took a stand when you started this thread, look at what you have achieved since you started this thread on the 16th of January this year. It hasn't been easy, but you did it. You showed everyone, and the condition that you were stronger than agoraphobia, as Jim said, don't let it control you but the other way round.
When my son was in grade four my youngest daughter was in grade one. there were three brats, two in grade five and one in grade four, who together had all the kids in the school scared of them. One day at knock off time, Loz was waiting outside Ben's class room for him, the two grade five brats were waiting for their mate there too. When the kids had been let out, the bullies were picking on Benj, but he refused to react (he was as scared of them as the rest of the kids). The three boys started pushing and shoving Ben, trying to get a reaction. They got a reaction when Loz was pushd over into a rose bush. He flogged one of the boys, reducing him to tears, the other two bolted. Word got round the school that these horrors weren't invincible, they'd lost their grip.
Mate agoraphobia is bullying you, you've shown you can stand up to it, but it's still trying to bluff you, DON'T LET IT! We're here to back you up if you need us. Your progress will be exponential, as long as you remain positive, you will progress more in the next nine months than you have in the past nine months. Remember Jason, you have a lot of mates out here, ready and willing to help you along the way. We know it won't be easy, but we'll still be here for you mate.

Well thats beenan interesting night for me..Karen has to clean the house today not ours the lady she does it for..I am worried about her doing it as she only has to do something for about an hour & she is completly stuffed & needs to sleep.....I have to take Karen shopping today when she gets home if i'm lucky i will be able to get her to have a sleep first..I will be shopping ,paying the bills & everything today wether its on my own or maybe with Karen beside me .....

I have been up pacing the boards most of the night with nerves as i have to be somewhere today to meet Aus...So i think i have lost & wrecked my chances of Karen ever giving me a chance again ..After she read all last night i could see it on her face that she new what i was going to be like & she probably seen it on my face how nervous i was of having to be there....

I didn't wake Karen last night while pacing & i never woke her to help me i delt with it..

Karen told me to wake her at 8 thismorning. . .It will be after 9 by the time she leaves...so that gives me an hour to get to kotara & see Aus before he is finished where he is....

Then get back here to be ready to go shopping....

But i think i have stuffed everything with Karen...She is so hurt by me seeing it now as use told me & she has been telling me for years....