Thread: Embarrassment

Originally Posted by V8Ian

The only way you will show Karen your sincerity is to get proffessional help for your condition. You've said you will do so, but to date you have used every excuse not to. Why would Karen trust what you say, and why should her taking you back be a condition of you seeking help.

ITS not a condition of me going back & i will get the ****ing help ..
If i could just jump in the car & drive all the way there to the docs get my referal drive back here then make an apointment to goto the shrinks & drive down there for it & then drive back here i wouldnt have a problem ..

And if i could do all that i wouldnt be living this ****ing **** hole life of mine & wouldnt have put Karen through the **** she has been through..

Do use realy think i like to live like this i wouldnt wish this on my worst enamy..
I have enough trouble here just geting to the ****ing shops so that i can eat other wise i wouldnt be here..i would of starved by now..

I looked into the hospital here & they dont have a mental health department but they could put me into the mental hospital if i like..

**** me i'm having enough trouble just trying to get some sleep here..
My car is playing up with starting when hot the clutch is just about gone & i'm **** scared to drive it in case it doesnt start cause it would put me into a huge panic attack & i have no one here..
KAREN is the only person i trust..

So if i could get the help from here i ****ing would..
& if that is how Karen sees it to then i am completly ****ed & will be here for the rest of my ****ing life . Do you realy think i want that. or should i just let them put me into a ****ing mental home now .May aswell i dont see the kids now & there is noway in hell i will let them come see me in a mental home drugged out of my ****ing head so that i stay calm....

So yes i do have a problem yes i hate it yes i have done wrong to Karen Yes i miss everything that was my LIFE but if i have to get help from here im ****ed & i would rather die in that case....

Now use can understand why i think im a ****ing retard looser i have lost everything in my life to have ever ment anything to me cause of my problem & my upbringing thinking it was the right way..

Looser retard YES bigtime..

Originally Posted by V8Ian

The only way you will show Karen your sincerity is to get proffessional help for your condition. You've said you will do so, but to date you have used every excuse not to. Why would Karen trust what you say, and why should her taking you back be a condition of you seeking help.

Yep your dead right Ian .i just asked Karen to read it all & i guess she thinks the same way so i will be living my ****ed up life here from now on...
Karen im very sorry..

Jason a lot of people have put a lot of effort and more, into you and this thread. We can only do a very limited amount, you need proper help, and we are prepared to support you if you decide to get help. You can whinge and complain all you like about your living arrangments, but it's not going to change if you keep making excuses for not getting the help you desparately need. We can't help you if you refuse to help yourself mate. The ball's squarely in your court Banjo.

Originally Posted by V8Ian

Jason a lot of people have put a lot of effort and more, into you and this thread. We can only do a very limited amount, you need proper help, and we are prepared to support you if you decide to get help. You can whinge and complain all you like about your living arrangments, but it's not going to change if you keep making excuses for not getting the help you desparately need. We can't help you if you refuse to help yourself mate. The ball's squarely in your court Banjo.

Well i'm sorry guys that i have been a waste of your time i already knew i was a waste of space didnt need use to let me know ..
I have only just been able to do some things on my own from home & Karen says to me its to late so i cant proove it to here or keep it up moving up here has put me right back to the begining so i have to start again & its going to be a long time coming cause now i dont have anyone to do it for ..The thing i was most working towards was taking Cody to footy training on my own now that wont happen...
I realy dont want to live with out Karen she has done so much for me & i left it to late for use to help me & show me the right way so now i have lost everything & have to completly start over again from the begining..
I have asked Karen to goto the bank when i get paid & she will give the money back to Jim & he can give it out to who gave it .....
I wont be bothering use anymore or wasting your time i thankyou all for the friendships i made & felt for the first time ever im so sorry to have let use down & i did warn use this would happen here that i would go backwards & im so sorry i cant help it..
Karen & the kids have been my life for so long i dont know any differant & there is noway on this earth i would of ment to hurt Karen nor did i deliberatly do it ..
I would appreciate if use would all stay intouch with Karen & the kids PLEASE..
IM very sorry for who i am & what my problem is i wish it would just go away but it wont as i have been told it cant be cured unless with a rope or bullet anyway..
IT has been awesome to feel what its like to be in friendships ..
I cant live without Karen even karen said that & then said tonight well you prooved me wrong cause im living here ..BUT im not im just exsisting i go get food & smokes thats it..
I want to fix this for Karen so much but i have to start over which will take so long & she will have moved on by then...

So i wont be back on here again my net runs out soon so i will use what i have left to talk to Micayla on MSN then thats it for me ..
I already feel like a waste of space up here i cant do what i was doing or keep at it to get to take Cody to footy training thats the one thing i was looking forward to acheeving as it would make him happy & possably proud of me & maybe even made Karen proud of me..

& i cant be in the house with them cause i want more from Karen & she doesnt so i will just stay here & pray to god she lets me come home oneday...

PS if use dont have Karens home or mobile number give JIM a PM he has it..

Again soory for letting use all down so bad ..

THANKYOU sincerly Jason...

I really feel for you mate, it's hard for me to truly understand how you're feeling in this situation. We're not professionals, that's why we keep saying you need to get the professional help we can't give you.

I fully understand you want things to go back to the way they were in the past, but I'm afraid its clear that's not gonna happen, unfortunately. Beating yourself up, berating yourself for past mistakes, or abusing yourself with names like 'retard' do absolutely nothing to bring back the good parts of the past. Everyone whose relationship fractures goes through this, and its certainly very difficult. You're in one of the stages of grieving now, and that's a normal process to go through. Its made harder because of your particular situation.

That leaves you with the choice between endlessly reliving the past and trying in vain to recreate it, or looking to the future.

There's no future in vainly trying to revive the past, especially when you say yourself a lot of it was not good.

Your future is to make your future. What is your plan for the future?

Obviously, any plan for the future will need to include continued support in a program to do what is possible to overcome your problems, or to learn to live with the ones that can't be overcome. That's easy for me to say, I know, and hard for you to do, but that's the way it is. Only you can walk in your shoes.

Part of that plan should also include daily activities which keep you usefully busy and feeling a growing sense of satisfaction at your own abilities. Only you can decide what that involves.

If you can get a plan happening, you will improve your ability to relate positively to Karen and the children, and that will improve your life. Actions speak louder than words.

Everyone on here is behind you and wishing you well, but it can only happen if you take the lead. You can do it!

I only wanted to do what Karen told me i had to do to save the relationship which is what i was doing & wanted to keep doing.. That all i want out of life is Karen & to enjoy Karen happy & be a family .. But have been talking to Micayla & she said mum told her she has nearly made or has a desision & she doesnt want to live with it any more..

So i have know idea as to what that is..Im guessing its not with me back home ...

Originally Posted by banjo

I only wanted to do what Karen told me i had to do to save the relationship which is what i was doing & wanted to keep doing.. That all i want out of life is Karen & to enjoy Karen happy & be a family .. But have been talking to Micayla & she said mum told her she has nearly made or has a desision & she doesnt want to live with it any more..

So i have know idea as to what that is..Im guessing its not with me back home ...

No just asked again & this is what she said.

mum said, to me. i thjink ive made my decission though and am enjoying myself

You're not gonna like this, but I have to say it - there is more to your life than Karen.
Your plan for the future may or may not include some level of contact with Karen, who knows?
It's clear she doesn't want to go back to the co-dependent way it was in the past, so if you just demand that, you're only gonna drive her away.
Try to look beyond your desire to get back with Karen and see a plan for your own future.
Actually, that's the best way for you to have a chance of a continuing positive relationship with Karen. She doesn't want a dependent person, but she may want a more independent person. Is that you? Could it be you in the future? Only you can answer that.
I know its very hard...