Jokes Thread

[Knight]

Hey Guys,

I thought I'd finally start off another jokes thread....

Now i will start it off with what i would say is quite a 'mild' one from me - so, sit back, have a laugh and start posting some funnies that the rest of us can enjoy too!!


<span style="color:red">FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP FOR MEN</span>

1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman who can make u laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman who u can trust & doesn't lie.
4. Its important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with u.

5. Its very, very important that these four b*tches don't know each other. 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

welcome back Knight style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

could do with a laugh too!

[George130]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
1 down 4 to go.

[p38arover]

I'm confused. I thought Knight was a woman - and here she's advocating what we think we want! 8O

Ron

[RichardK]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:


The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in sperm - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

[Knight]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>I'm confused. I thought Knight was a woman - and here she's advocating what we think we want![/b][/quote]

he he he - I am simply passing on the jokes that come across my emails -so, yep, that does mean every once and a while there will be the occassional joke about the Man-Woman thing! 8O

So, in carrying on.................


Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.


Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;


The next day I stopped eating red meat..


Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;


The next day I stopped drinking. :cry:




Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; 8O 8O


This morning I stopped reading. :twisted:

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[p38arover]

Ahh! I've always reckoned my wife read too much!

Ron

[hiline]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to logon.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud
as he typed.....

P...

E...

N....

I...



S.



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

<span style="color:red">***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** </span>

[hiline]

<span style="color:blue">TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!

3 Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose .. stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. </span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:green">hey...thats almost thirteen things.....</span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:darkred">Cheerleaders
>
>
>
>
>
> Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
> chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition
> in
> Brisbane.
>
> The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and the Blonde team
> rode on the top level.
>
> The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great
> time,when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the
> upstairs.
>
> She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the
> top,she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead
> at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
>
> The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having
a
> great time downstairs!"
>
> One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispers, "YEAH
> ...... BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."</span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:indigo">the chinese detective......




A man suspected his wife was seeing another
man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective,
Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later he received
this report:

Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He comes to
house. I watch he.He and She leave house. I follow.
He and She go in hotel. I climb tree. I look
in window. He kiss She. She kiss He. He strips She. She
strips He. He play with She. She play with He. I play
with me......... I fall off tree. I no see. No Fee

Chen Lee</span>

[hiline]

[quote=DEFENDERZOOK]<span style="color:green">hey...thats almost thirteen things.....</span>

all better now :wink:

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:darkred"> For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last
night.....heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard
her tell you to wait ....because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000
mortgage & No Bike!</span>

[Knight]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament..

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie



At 4 a.m.the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Ace]

Jeez its good to have the jokes thread back, we missed you knight.

Here is one Gav posted in the Rants forum which rather amuzed me.

What will we call Bob The Builder when he retires?























Bob. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif I love it. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[VladTepes]

The Mensa Invitational once again asked members to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am
by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour
but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory
en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire
New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion
condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll
know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of
need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms;
10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then
notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
>>
>>
>> Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy

[RichardK]

Choosing a wife

*A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.*

*The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses

up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.*

*The man was impressed.*

*The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and a Landrover Trailer. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.*

*Again, the man is impressed.*

*The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.*

*Obviously, the man was impressed.*

*The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the

money he'd given her.*

*Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.*

*Men are like that, you know.*

[LandyAndy]

When is a Pixie not a Pixie??? When he has his head up a Fairys skirt......
















THEN HE IS A GOBBLIN style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif



An archeologist is out deep in the jungle reasearching a lost ancient tribe of headhunters.One morning at his camp he wakes to find himself surrounded by 100 of these "lost" headhunters.
"GOD IM PLUCKED" he yells
A voice tells him to pick up a rock by his feet and throw it at the man with the bright beads and feathers,he is the chief of the tribe.He does this thinking that rock wont really do much good.
Then
A LOUD DEEP VOICE FROM THE HEAVANS SHOUTS

NO,NOW YOU ARE PLUCKED style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[RichardK]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.*

[Knight]

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
Then the marketer in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . . :wink: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:green">you have a marketer in you........?</span> 8O

[incisor]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of university, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

8O

[RichardK]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this bank is
installing new"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing
their accounts.

MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful
research.


MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

5. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down

4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Turn the radio down.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the vehicle.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way up.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make up in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck make-up again.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

26. Release Parking Brake

[Knight]

CORPORATE LESSON

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower & the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over who should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few
seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your
stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure! 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[DEFENDERZOOK]

Originally posted by Knight
CORPORATE LESSON



MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your
stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure! 8O :lol:

Cheers
Knight :wink:





[size=18][b]<span style="color:green">i wonder if vlad is taking notes.......?</span>

[RichardK]

These are GOLD!

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio.
They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read
carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!
Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us
adults and therefore no time to war or argue.

-----------------------------------------------------

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He
was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It
sounds like he was sort of busy too.

------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.

------------------------------------------------------
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.

------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they
show on TV now.

------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French
still have problems.

------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood.

------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.

------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.

------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

------------------------------------------------------
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He
took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up.

------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.

------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why

------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the
Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials
to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just
24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do
what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they
didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in
the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

[Knight]

A lonely spinster, aged 81, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED,
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON


On the second day she heard the doorbell. . .

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?" 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Grizzly_Adams]

APOLOGY!!!

*_News just in!!!_*

After years of making millions from one song, sixties band, The Animals, have issued a worldwide apology......

Apparently, there ISN'T a house in New Orleans!!!!

[Knight]

A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" 8O

His funeral services will be held on Monday. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by Grizzly_Adams
APOLOGY!!!

*_News just in!!!_*

After years of making millions from one song, sixties band, The Animals, have issued a worldwide apology......

Apparently, there ISN'T a house in New Orleans!!!!

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif ROFL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Knight]

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD:

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at
the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period
only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a.When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another bloke in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

17: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

18: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of
yours,except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing:i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations,an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone.Hang up if necessary.


22. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?"with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End
of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>24: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. [/b][/quote]

I'd have to ignore that part of that rule.

It would rule out G4 Defenders 8O :!:

[VladTepes]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care
of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President (if you
were stupid enough to want to). You can never be pregnant. You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to
drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional
well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than
enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your
life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of
shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

[VladTepes]

New Orleanes Headlines:

Bush has just released a statement following his investigation into the New Orleans disaster - The blame is being put on a Muslim suicide plumber.



President Bush has asked for pop groups to stage a benefit concert for the victims of New Orleans however Katrina and the Waves have been told to f* * k off.



Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours the Mar di Gras is cancelled.
He expects a record number of floats this year on Main St.



Five black men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans, DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumour has it they where under the boardwalk down by the sea.



Eric Burden & the Animals are re-releasing their earlier hit, it begins "There was a house in New Orleans"



Hurricane Katrina, typical female! When she came she was warm wild and wet. When she left she took the house and contents with her.



Two planeloads of volunteers left Liverpool airport today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.

[RichardK]

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

[Disco300Tdi]

To all Grandparents

Heed this warning: Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.



He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels whisky and women with big tits."

[Knight]

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">THE DIVORCE LETTER(S)</span>


Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

......The saga continues.....

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have
been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.

Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week,
the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had
on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it.
I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars
from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free! :twisted: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[adm333]

THE MOTHER IN LAW

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here
and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

[VladTepes]

One for Knight style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif :

Please note this email was sent originally by a girl.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>Think I can relate to a few of these Girlfriends, maybe you can to.

When we girls drink too much...

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE NEW YORK SLICE ON THE FLOOR (WHICH WE'RE EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT

6. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH

7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US

9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH GRADE TEACHER

10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING TO US

11. OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO WE KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY

12. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT

13. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST COKE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE BOURBON

14. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (errr, or, the mop?)

15. WE START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."

16. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT

17. OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES

18. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP

19. WE BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON OUR BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME WE'RE IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM OUR DRINK

20. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT[/b][/quote]

[RichardK]

Exercise Routine


If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do
it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for
some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


SCROLL DOWN...







































































NOW SCROLL UP…

That's enough for the first day.

Great job.

Have a Beer.

[RichardK]

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their
cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist

and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said
"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,



ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



drank the milk,,,,,,,,,



**** on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,



put in for Workers Compensation...............and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

[RichardK]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.



Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.



Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."



That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?" “Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the ****."

[RichardK]

This is hilarious.

This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it.

Send it on to everyone you know including the person that sent it to you.

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humor...Follow the instructions to find your new name. Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and forward it to friends and family. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated.

And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following in an excerpt from a children's book, Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants by Dave Pilkey.

"The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names..."

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle

b = doombah

c = goober

d = cheesey

e = crusty

f = greasy

g = dumbo

h = farcus

i = dorky

j = doofus

k = funky

l = boobie

m = sleezy

n = sloopy

o = fluffy

p = stinky

q = slimy

r = dorfus

s = snooty

t = tootsie

u = dipsy

v = sneezy

w = liver

x = skippy

y = dinky

z = zippy

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin

b = feather

c = giggle

d = burger

e = chicken

f = barffy

g = lizard

h = waffle

i = ****le

j = monkey

k = flippin

l = fricken

m = bubble

n = rhino

o =potty

p = hamster

q = buckle

r = gizzard

s = lickin

t = snickle

u = chuckle

v = pickle

w = hubble

x = dingle

y = gorilla

z = girdle

Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt

b = boob

c = face

d = nose

e = hump

f = breath

g = pants

h = shorts

i = lips

j = honker

k = head

l = tush

m = chunks

n = dunkin

o = brains

p = biscuits

q = toes

r = doodle

s = fanny

t = sniffer

u = sprinkles

v = frack

w = squirt

x = humperdinck

y = hiney

z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your newname as the subject.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.

Put more laughter in your day

My new name?????.....................Grooby Chickendoodle.................

but you can call me RichardK

[RichardK]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion
on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him that would be a tragedy". "No," said Bush, "that would be an
accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush
was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens - that
would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f...ing accident
either".

[adm333]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[Bushie]

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
pretty blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

He thinks quickly and his mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been in a compromising situation. "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that my mates introduced me to?"

The friendly smile disappears... "No," comes the frosty reply. "I'm your son's English Teacher."


Bushie

[Bushie]

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on,
I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and
my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f$#@ing funeral director
would be my guess."



Bushie

[Grizzly_Adams]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a motorcycle. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his bike and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner does the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his bike, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
Vaseline.

The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!

[Grizzly_Adams]

No wonder so many people say Google's search engine can find anything
for you:

1. Go to Google (http://www.google.com).
2. Type in the word "Failure" (no quotes).
3. Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."
4. Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.

[Disco300Tdi]

So this bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me
if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you
for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would
you ask me if I was American? What about Danish
Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for
Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies,

"Because you're in Bunning's."

[Disco300Tdi]

Fairies
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and
abracadabra!

... two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well ... this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed .
but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ...

abracadabra!

the husband became 92 years old.





The moral of this story

Men might be ungrateful idiots,
But fairies are...

FEMALE!

[RichardK]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Now wait for it.............................




-

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[VladTepes]

:roll: groan.

[RichardK]

Originally posted by VladTepes
:roll: groan.

I agree double groan :roll:

So here's another one:
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a
single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."



The Moral of the Story - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[RichardK]

And anotherie:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breast are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."



"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."



This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."



"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[RichardK]

I'm hot tonight

2 TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis
a day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drink
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.


Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no
peeking, then scroll down for the response.











Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.




And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the
rest of us in line.

[RichardK]

Last one for tonight:

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees

it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be

thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well,

you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do. First you have to

drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at

once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You

have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a

90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during

intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I

won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,

and then do those other things...."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears

are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he

staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the

people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping,

and then... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead,

he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody

scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[disco95]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif
That is one hell of a roll Richardk

[incisor]

Some Of My Favourite quotes from British newspapers........


Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

***

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

***

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

***

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

***

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

***

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

[Knight]

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">THE SLAP</span>

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi
has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks. 8O

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope
me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can
smack the Kiwi again. :twisted: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Love it! (and sorry to all our NZ buddies - but hey, it IS a good one!)

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[RichardK]

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong; he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. The guy, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest pub. Wet and in shock, he went to a tavern and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern, wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the guy who hitched a lift, the one said to the other, "Look, Bruce, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[Knight]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:

"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. I then set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!" 8O style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Redback]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light
bulb" ... another 6
to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that
"light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time
ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions
about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

Baz.

[VladTepes]

8O Have they been watching :?:

Given it's a jokes thread, I think I should post this:


http://www.nissan.com.au/murano/images/g10m.jpg
Crappy AWD Nissan for the price of a Defender :!:


to give you an indication of just how bad it is, this is a pic from the website of a brand new vehicle and look, the plastic over the instruments has faded so badly already that it's gone orange....
http://www.nissan.com.au/murano/images/g03m.jpg

[p38arover]

Originally posted by Redback

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6
to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that
"light bulb" is perfectly correct .

Actually, it is light globe! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[DEFENDERZOOK]

Originally posted by p38arover


Actually, it is light globe! :idea:

Ron

[p38arover]

Originally posted by DEFENDERZOOK+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(DEFENDERZOOK)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-p38arover


Actually, it is light globe! :idea:

Ron[/b][/quote]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[VladTepes]

I KNEW it would be you that would make a post like that, Ron, I just KNEW it would. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

[p38arover]

Originally posted by VladTepes
I KNEW it would be you that would make a post like that, Ron, I just KNEW it would. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Jeez, have I got a reputation already? style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[RichardK]

MASTERCARD WEDDING

You gotta love this guy...This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper
and even Jay Leno mentioned it..

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law
for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep
appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just
from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the
wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to
the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most
people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if
nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's
and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.


Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends:..................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion:.....................................$3,0 00.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:
...............................$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man..........Priceless.



There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD.

[Disco300Tdi]

Hi Richard
That recent wedding was in Adelaide 14 years ago
We know the groom style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

[RichardK]

Revenge would be sweet :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

[Knight]

[size=18]<span style="color:red">
MEMO: Official Government Announcement</span>


The government today announced that it is changing the Coat-of-Arms from the
Kangaroo, Emu and Wattle sprig to a CONDOM because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of ****** and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her 3 times in the abdomen.
She survived and luckily, the babies were okay.
The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to
operate.
She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son. They were fine for
16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years ago.
A week later, her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay," says the mother, "I know what happened...you were
urinating, and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was m@sturbating and I shot the dog!" 8O
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Good one Knight ! A joke I haven't heard before.

[FenianEel]

An old fella is at the Doctors getting checked out, 'cause he's a bit concerned about himself, being well into the 80's.

Doc: Well are passing urine OK?
Oldy: Yep. Every morning at 6:30 I take a leak!
Doc: And are you keeping "regular" the other way?
Oldy: Yep! Every morning at 7am I take a dump!
Doc: Well what's the problem then?

Oldy: I don't wake up till 8:30 :roll: style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Grizzly_Adams]

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200009/df20000926.jpg

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200009/df20000929.jpg

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200005/df20000524.jpg

and many many here (about 240 per year):

http://www.cjsoftware.ath.cx/pages/df2000.html
http://www.cjsoftware.ath.cx/pages/df2001.html
http://www.cjsoftware.ath.cx/pages/df2002.html
http://www.cjsoftware.ath.cx/pages/df2003.html
http://www.cjsoftware.ath.cx/pages/df2004.html
http://www.cjsoftware.ath.cx/pages/df2005.html

To be fair, they are actually from the site http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun

[hiline]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars left over from a recent cruise, and I needed to exchange for US dollars so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. It was a short line ... just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller "why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "fluctuations."

The Asian guy says "fluc you white guys too" ...

[p38arover]

Originally posted by VladTepes
style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif LOL style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif Good one Knight ! A joke I haven't heard before.

And Vlad's a bloke who has shot a lot of dogs! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Ron

[FenianEel]

Don't know if you folks have seen this it's great - make sure you have the sound on to get the difference


There are two pictures identical to each other, you have to find three
differences.

If you can find three differences, then you are part of an elite group
of individuals.

This has been tested on 8000 people, and only 19 people out of 8000
found the three differences. There is no trick, all three differences
exist.
Try it!! click on the link below;




http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:green">i found one of the differences.......



the grass is greener on the other side.......</span>

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Originally posted by FenianEel
Don't know if you folks have seen this it's great - make sure you have the sound on to get the difference


There are two pictures identical to each other, you have to find three
differences.

If you can find three differences, then you are part of an elite group
of individuals.

This has been tested on 8000 people, and only 19 people out of 8000
found the three differences. There is no trick, all three differences
exist.
Try it!! click on the link below;




http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf



thanks for that---- 8O

[p38arover]

Hmm, a bit hard to check at work. That page took 3 minutes to load, then I got the other image after several more minutes - all without sound.

That's the problem with a very slow link, a Windows CE based terminal (not PC) and very little cache (I'm talking about my office machine). Slow? Even our work home page takes up to a minute to load.

Ron

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Originally posted by p38arover
Hmm, a bit hard to check at work. That page took 3 minutes to load, then I got the other image after several more minutes - all without sound.

That's the problem with a very slow link, a Windows CE based terminal (not PC) and very little cache (I'm talking about my office machine). Slow? Even our work home page takes up to a minute to load.

Ron

sounds like you need them to upgrade from steam to electric :wink:

[Grizzly_Adams]

http://www.improbable.com/ig/ig-pastwinners.html

started over 10 years ago, the ig noble awards are like the noble prizes, execept they are awarded to projects "that first make people LAUGH, then make them THINK."

and there's some crackers on this page that lists all the winners.

- for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.

- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness.

- for their published report "The Effect of Country Music on Suicide."

- for investigating the scientific validity of the Five-Second Rule about whether it's safe to eat food that's been dropped on the floor.

.. and many many more ...

[abaddonxi]

Yeah, I've seen the tar one, it is at Sydney Uni, nothing like watching tar drip.

The other great winner was the one for examining the contents of navel fluff.

Cheers
Simon

[FenianEel]

C'mon folks - I need a good laugh let's have some more funnies!!!! style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[FenianEel]

Do you Wanna Buy a Baseball?

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortioner continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that **** in here now," the priest says.

[FenianEel]

A penguin was driving through the Desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call RACQ.
His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.
After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons.
Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."


Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

[FenianEel]

The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[Ace]

Donald Rumsfeld is prepping president Bush for a speech, and at the end he informs him that 3 Brazilion soldiers have been killed.

"Oh No that is terrible!!!" wails bush sinking his face into his hands.

His staff sits in amazement at his passionate responce. After a while he lifts his head out of his hands and asks;

"How many is a brazilion?

[sclarke]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car!"

[sclarke]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars.
Why did that one cost so much?"

The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate.
All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together!

What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."

[sclarke]

Final one.....
Bit Naughty

Catholic School Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[incisor]

Creationism

The absolute truth!!

In the beginning God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He
created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's. God saw that it
was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and
BBQ's on the beach. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to
provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs. God saw that it was
good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops,
sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the
beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's. God saw
that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed
someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and Stand around the
barbie
with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God
saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the Raucous laughter of all the
Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God
saw that it was good.... well almost good.

He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a
rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children,
Wash, cook and clean the BBQ. God saw that it was not just good, it was
better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!

[Pedro_The_Swift]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both

of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's

nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we

should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of

our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this

must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car

is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely

God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the

bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and

hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them!

[sclarke]

And on that Note.............

In 2001 if you had bought $1,000.00 of One-Tel stock, it would now be worth about $9.00 to you as an unsecured creditor if you are lucky.

In 2002 if you had bought HIH stock, you would have about $6.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

In 2003 if you had gone overseas and bought ENRON you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer only one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling price, you would have $24.00.

Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Grizzly_Adams]

My newspaper this morning contained many examples of graffiti. Here are a few of them.
1.A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
2.Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
3.The only things you do more frequently in middle age are urinate and go to funerals.
4.The Japanese government has sent 500 tonnes of Viagra to the US after hearing that they were having trouble with their elections.
5.In the words of Bob Dylan....how many roads must a man walk down before he admits he is lost?
6.If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
7.What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
8.If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
9.If at first you don't succeed then sky-diving definitely isn't for you.
10.All I ask is a chance to prove that money won't make me happy.
11.The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

[Steinzy]

Texas Sex

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't reckon
I ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in
your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy these feel just like your sister's."

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

[Steinzy]

Here is another joke that's a little cleaner! Apologies if anyone found my last joke offensive.

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Disco300Tdi]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a
condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[hiline]

> A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to

> end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

> She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water

> when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge,

> crying.

> He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm

> off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my

> ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving

> closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I'll keep you

> happy, and you'll keep me happy."

> The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps

> a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night,

> the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

> From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece

> of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

> Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the

> captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have

> an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she

> explained

> "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

> "He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Manly Ferry. style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[hiline]

>>Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
>>despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She
>>decided that she would just kill herself and join him in
>>death.
>>
>>Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
>>she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
>>to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken
>>in the first place.
>>
>>Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
>>and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to
>>inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
>>
>>"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just
>>below your left breast."
>>
>>Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with
>>a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Steinzy]

That was great Hiline style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

[Steinzy]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.

Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">my type of woman.....
lots of action......absolutely no whinging.....</span>

[Steinzy]

only problem is she wont get you a beer when you ask!

:idea: maybe one of those remotes that Pedro had might work

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">An older, white haired gentleman walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked
through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The
old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The
jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man."There's
no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"</span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:green">A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a
younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let
him do that. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna
likea dat too, but don'ta let him do that. But most important,
he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but
don'ta let him do that.
Doing thata willa disgraca the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The
next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned
over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"</span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:darkred">CONTIKI - South Western Sydney Lowlights. 9 DAY TOUR
DAY 1 -
Meet your new travel-mates in our hotel in Beautiful Emu Plains. At
night you have the chance to score your own crack in Cabramatta.

DAY 2 -
After breakfast we will get mugged in Minto before having lunch at
Blacktown KFC. Tonight why not participate in a riot at Macquarie Fields!

DAY 3 -
Today is your choice! You have the option of fishing in Blacktown Creek
or taking a day-trip to the Kings Cross Heroin Injecting Room. Tonight
we experience a cabaret show at Rooty Hill RSL, "The Vegas of the West".

DAY 4 -
After seeing the real bullet holes in the walls of Granville Police
Station, we will get car-jacked in Sefton before being an accomplice in
a stolen WRX and ram-raiding a cigarette store in Fairfield.

DAY 5 -
Today we will get the **** bashed out of us in downtown Punchbowl by a
gang of 30 or 40. We will have lunch at Auburn Macca s before an
afternoon swim in the Parramatta River. Tonight is party night as we
head up the coast to classy Club Troppo.

DAY 6 -
An early start today as we witness a convenience store hold-up in Blackett.
We then have an opportunity to get knifed in Bonnyrigg. Tonight we get
caught up in a riot at a Canterbury Bulldogs game.

DAY 7 -
This morning is another early start as Silverwater Prison is the
backdrop to our group photo (optional). We then take part in a shoot-up
at picturesque Lakemba. Tonight is an included dinner in the Bistro at
Penrith RSL.

DAY 8 -
Today is a free day to explore the beautiful suburb of Mt. Druitt at
your leisure.

DAY 9 -
Today we explore Villawood Detention Centre. In the afternoon why not
take part in a guided tour down Everleigh St, Redfern. In the evening a
chance to farewell your new friends at the end of tour dinner at Krispy
Kreme Penrith.

9 days travelling in the comfort of a Ford Escort with bullet-proof
windows and sub-woofer.6 nights accommodation in F1 Hotels. 3 nights in
Best Western Hotels.

Day song - "I shot the Sheriff". Wake-up song - "Gangster's Paradise".

Driver - Wazza. Tour Leader - Mustafa.

Only $199 plus food fund. (Personal Injury insurance of $4000 not included)</span>

[Pedro_The_Swift]

The complete history of Jack ****t.

Who is Jack ****t you may ask?Many people are at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack ****t". Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack ****t is the only son of Awe ****t and Oh ****t.Awe ****t,the fertilizer magnate,married Oh ****t,the owner of the Knee deep In ****t Inc.

Jack ****t married Noe ****t and the deeply religious couple produced six children,Holie ****t,Fulla ****t,Giva ****t,Bull ****t,Deep ****t and Dip ****t.

Against her parents wishes,Deep ****t married Dumb ****t,a high school dropout.

After 15 yrs of marriage,Jack and Noe ****t got divorced.Noe ****t later married Mr Sherlock and because her children were living with them,she wanted to keep her previous name.She was then known as Noe ****t - Sherlock.

Dip ****t married Loda ****t and produced a nervous son,Chicken ****t.

Fulla ****t and Giva ****t were inseperable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens sisters in a dual ceremony.The newspaper announced "The ****t - Happens Wedding".The ****t - Happens kids were Dog,Bird and Horse ****t.

Bull ****,the prodigal son,left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new wife Piza ****t.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack ****t",you can correct them.

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">whataloda sh*t....</span>

[Pedro_The_Swift]

gotta be related--- https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[Knight]

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." 8O https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS !!


Cheers
Knight :wink:
(yes, still alive BUT - very very busy) :wink:
:wink:

[hiline]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[FenianEel]

Brisbane husband pretends to give a sh*t

Attempting to pacify his wife Jena's incessant desire for verbal interaction, Bribane husband Chris Woodman pretended to give a sh*t Tuesday as
his wife of six years initiated and dominated a series
of prolonged dialogues regarding an array of unrelated, unimportant subjects.
According to Woodman, the thoroughly pointless conversation - which comprehensively detailed his wife's work day, lunch experience, plans for the evening and friend's relationship difficulties - took
place in the living room of the couple's Brisbane home at approximately 6 p.m., shortly after Woodman began watching television in an effort to unwind from work.
"I love my wife, but Jesus, does she like to talk sometimes," said Woodman, 30, who works as a field technician for a local civil engineering firm. "I wanted to just come home [from work] and chill out for
awhile, but Jena immediately launches into these long, boring stories about what happened at work and what's going on with a friend of hers and a bunch of other stuff.
I just tried to act like I was paying attention and hoped it wouldn't go on too long."
Occasionally retorting with such all-purpose conversation perpetuators as "That's nice, honey" and "No kidding? Huh,"
Woodman pretended to give a sh*t about his wife's exhaustively detailed personal accounts until just after 6:45 p.m., when Jena was forced to interrupt the one-sided exchange to receive a telephone call from her longtime friend Nelly Smith.
"Saved by the bell, I guess you'd say," Woodman jokingly explained, adding that he used the brief interruption to exit the room and seek solace behind some cardboard boxes in the basement, where he remained for several hours.
Woodman acknowledged that although the lengthy, expendable conversation depleted a good amount of his after work leisure time, the 45 minutes spent maintaining a convincing, give-a-sh*t veneer was not a complete waste.
"I was able to give some thought to a few things I hadn't had time for," said Woodman, who admitted to mentally drifting "light-years away" from his wife's inane banter. "While Jena was busy carrying on about God-knows-what, I was trying to figure out the significance of a couple of scenes from the movie Memento, which we had rented a few
nights back. I think I've got most of [the plot] figured out now."
In addition to analyzing the storyline of the 2001 feature, Woodman mentally planned the couple's upcoming camping trip and also reminisced about his 1996 bachelor party weekend in Kings Cross - all the while remembering to nod, say "Yeah," and display other characteristics indicative of a person who is giving a ****.
Woodman said he often pretends to give a sh*t about what his wife says.
"Somebody - a guy - once told me that women tend to work things out in their heads by talking things out, so most of the time it isn't really necessary to listen to everything a woman says," said Woodman. "It's been my experience that the theory usually holds true. So I tend to just keep my mouth shut and let her talk herself out."
Added Woodman: "Besides, if something's really important to her, I'll pick up on it right away because she'll be yelling. Then it's time to get involved in what I'm sure she feels is an extremely important conversation."
After six years of marriage, Woodman said he feels that his willingness to pretend to give a sh*t about what his wife says is vital to the health of their relationship.
"If I didn't sit there in total silence, staring off into the distance but occasionally grunting out an 'Oh yeah?' or a "No kidding,' Jena would probably start to think we have a communication problem," said Woodman. "Sure, I could just walk out of the room when she starts barking out her meaningless ramblings, but that would be equivalent to just coming right out and saying that she's boring me."
"I pretend to give a sh*t because I care," Woodman added.

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">so.....i take your wifes name is jena......?</span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:darkred"> As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the
aisle,
she
found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her
sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla
retired
to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped
on
the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are
killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour,
but
it was stuck fast.
" Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
" I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody
tight!"
" Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,"
There!
That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
" Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to
the
throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy.
Once
a Navy man, always a Navy man!"</span>

[FenianEel]

[quote=DEFENDERZOOK]<span style="color:darkred"> As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped
on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are
killing me."
</span>

Did it look like this??



http://203.26.51.178/cracker/38169_1.jpg

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">so....were you the paparazzi taking photos through the windows....</span>

[FenianEel]

Zook,

got these photos with a VERY long lens (from Brisbane)....

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/media-pictures/i_nose_pick.jpg

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">shes picking a winner for the melbourne cup.....</span>

[VladTepes]

Didn't know whether to put this here or in that other thread....


Did you hear that Van Nguyen sent a letter to his mum :?:

He said he wouldn't be home for Christmas and was planning just to hang around in Singapore.




What’s the difference between Van Nguyen’s Mum and Ricky Ponting :?:

Van Nguyen’s Mum will be returning home with the ashes.

[crump]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[Disco300Tdi]

The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And my personal favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and
laughter in your heart......
Then you are just an old sour fart

[Grizzly_Adams]

Diary of a Dog and of a Cat

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan ...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[Grizzly_Adams]

BEING STRAYLYAN

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian" For those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what one is REALLY like!

You're not Australian 'til...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car!

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is.

5) You start using words like "reckon" and "root" and call people "mate".

6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how ya doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugg Boots -

8) You own a pair of ugg boots.

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't know what "girt" means.

11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".

12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly.

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of "dress thongs" for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.

17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"

18) You call soccer soccer, not football

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through vita wheat to make little Vegemite worms.

20) You've sucked your coffee through a Tim Tam.

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.

23) You understand the value of public holidays.

24) Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.

25) You have a toilet dolly.

26) Your Mum or Nan made it.

27) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fence post.

28) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"

29) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.

30) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.

31) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"

32) You've adopted a local bar as your own.

33) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.

34) You measure a journey in beer, not kilometres or time. (That's a 3 beer trip mate).

'ave a nice day, mate.. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[VladTepes]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[ET]

Thought I might join in the fun guys.

A blonde goes to the hairdresser for a new image and whilst having her hair cut decides to have it coloured brunette.

After having the new style and colour she leaves and is very happy that she won't be mistaken for a dumb blonde anymore.

On the way home through a country lane she has to stop for a farmer with a flock of sheep.

She says to the farmer " if I guess how many sheep you have can I pick one to keep".

Sure "go ahead he says".

I think you have 565 sheep here.

Exactly right he says. Which one do you want.

She says "I will have that fluffy black and white one over there".

He says "If I guess the natural colour of your hair can I have my border collie back".

[Steinzy]

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So they buried her....

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[dullbird]

An American an Japanese and an Irish man
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were

sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the
skin of my arm.

" A few minutes later a 'phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained,
"That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind in and said ....
" B-jesus , will you look at that, I'm getting a fax

dullbird

[Knight]

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">THE PHONE CALL</span>

"((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it,
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"


***Long Pause***



******Longer Pause******






Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 02 9909 2286 ??"

8O https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ 8O

Cheers
Knight

(and A BIG HI to all - i know I've been away for TOO Long!! - this will change sooner than later!! - Will free up more time for myself this year - and get online at home too!)

BIG HI TO ALL and Happy New Year to you all too!!

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Good one Knight,,
and welcome back---- 8)

[blitz]

a dog walks into a bank goes up to the information desk reads the tellers name (Pattie wakk) and asks for a loan

Pattie is pretty spun out by this but being the professional that she is plays cool and goes along with it.

she tells the dog that it will have to fill out an aplication form, which the dogs asks can she read out the questions and write down his answers,

so... she asks the dog it's name... Ralph Richards

she asks the dog its age and it replies 2

So she has to explain that it will need a gaurantor to which the dog replies thats ok my father is Keith Richards.

Then the Pattie asks for collateral so the dog produces a carved ivory figurean of an elephant.

At this point Pattie loses it and goes to see the manager with the figurean. Once she explains it all to him he relpies

"It's a nik nak Pattie Wakk give the dog a loan his old mans a rolling stone


https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[dullbird]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the Driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and shout,

"WHO'S HORNY"......

And she acts like she is asleep every time."


i know i shouldn't be posting these types of jokes being a sheila and all but i still think hey are funny

dullbird

[Grizzly_Adams]

What does it mean to be British?

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

[FenianEel]

Originally posted by Grizzly_Adams
What does it mean to be British?

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

You forgot about the whinging https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ :!:

A 747 touches down from London in Sydney and the captain turns off the engines, but they can still hear a great whining noise.

When he asks what it is, the stewardess replies "oh, that's all the whinging poms on board" https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[Knight]

<span style="color:red">FUN WITH PUNS</span>

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Hmmmm - something to think about there i suspect boys?! :wink: https://www.aulro.com/afvb/
(and yes - Sorry to the other females on this site too - i shouldnt encourage this - but hey - a laughs a laugh!!) https://www.aulro.com/afvb/


LOL - Have a good one......

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[p38arover]

:cry: I never meet bad girls :cry:

Ron

[Disco300Tdi]

Pom's Diary of an Alice Springs Summer
August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Alice Springs!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:

I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat ****. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant ****in blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid ****in place.

November 8th:

If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to ****in throttle him. ****in heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin ****in wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ****in arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ****in arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a ****in recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and ****in sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the ****in pool. Even the palms can't live in this ****in heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid ****er. **** Alice Springs! What kind of a sick demented ****in idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:

WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are ****in kiddin!

[Steinzy]

Welcome to Australia https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[FenianEel]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know

[incisor]

What a Year!!
by Unknown

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

[FenianEel]

Aussie Barbecue Season

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to
summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of
danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.

Important again:

! 7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

[Steinzy]

Arhh ... How true it is https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[broonski]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

love it!!! 8) :wink:

cheers,
bryce

[FenianEel]

Classic hey!

That's hard yakka standing over the grill!!!

Although - there's no mention of getting her to scrub the grill & hotplate https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[FenianEel]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER..........$1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH......$2.50
HANDJOB..............$10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meagre looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Why yes", she purrs, "I am."

"Well wash your hands," the man replies, "I want a cheeseburger."

[p38arover]

Just When You Think You Have It Bad, It Gets Worse...
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camas and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's thirteen.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to.......

"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
tried
to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
Pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her
Hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
**** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite,
because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[Grizzly_Adams]

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[Grizzly_Adams]

These pictures were put up in the male toilets at the work of one of my mates wife sisters place 8)

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2006/01/3.jpg

[crump]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg at his home.

The mate says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please mate."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[crump]

Consider yourself warned ..................
The latest scam from the Morley area which happened to me at the Centro

Galleria. (This could spread elsewhere ??? ) Two good looking 18 year

old women come to your car as you are parking your car. One starts

wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your

window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out

of her blouse, impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer

them a tip, they say no and beg you for a ride to another Shopping

Centre. You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they

start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them jumps to the front

seat & starts to perform oral sex on you, while the other one steals

your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't

find them Saturday.

Be careful.

[DEFENDERZOOK]

[b]<span style="color:blue">The Hen - Inspiring story



Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He
gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a
strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm
St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster,
"don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well
just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable
seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief
swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling
of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen
was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"</span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:darkred">Subject: Chinese communicating with Chinese

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

You are talking to someone! Who is this?

I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?

Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.
Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital
from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!

You are so rude! Who are you?

I'm Saw Lee.

Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!</span>

[incisor]

Oil Shortage in Australia

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia .

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical..

Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A. .

AND OUR DIPSTICKS ARE LOCATED IN CANBERRA..............

[charliebrisbane]

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, " Hey is that a steering wheel down your pants?"
and the guy replies" Yeh, it's driving me nuts!"

[RichardK]

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, and then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a
month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet
having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer
filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)


In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to
the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


NOW FOR THE BEST PART.


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


ONLY IN AMERICA!

[FenianEel]

Originally posted by RichardK

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


Ummm, maybe not....urban myth yes, true story no. :?

This was in a Toastmasters manual in 1965, and started doing the rounds on the net in 1996. A reporter for the Charlotte Observer, tried to authenticate it in 97, but searches of court records and newspaper files failed to turn up a single case or N.C. news article matching the incident.

Good story, but it's not true https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Anyway, I have to go pick up a mate now, he just called me screaming,....something about waking up in a bath of ice with one kidney?!

[broonski]

Originally posted by FenianEel
Anyway, I have to go pick up a mate now, he just called me screaming,....something about waking up in a bath of ice with one kidney?!

8O 8O 8O 8O

cheers,
bryce

[hiline]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic'.
"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled..........
















So I told her to f*ck off.

[Steinzy]

the extra pounds were Breast Implants :twisted: :twisted:

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">i think i can hear hiline crying....</span> :cry:

[crump]

Originally posted by Steinzy
the extra pounds were Breast Implants :twisted: :twisted:

or her money belt. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[disco95]

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[damo]

Has anyone heard of news report that the NSW Gov is building a new toll road from lakemba to Cronulla?

I believe it's to be called the Middle-Eastern Distributor.

Boom, Boom! I'm here all week, try the veal.


A Tasmanian father goes to the doctor and enquires about getting his daughter onto the pill.

'How old is she?' asked the doctor.

'15' said the father.

'Would you say she is sexualy active?' asked the doctor again.

'No, not really' said the father, 'she just kind of lays there like her mother!'

[Pedro_The_Swift]

oooh Damo,, that'l get back-- https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[damo]

Which one? Either way i've sinned! :wink:

[p38arover]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[p38arover]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "fore" but it was too late.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

[Steinzy]

A police officer pulls a vehicle over for a RBT. He approaches the man behind the wheel and notices that he has a XXXX Sticker attached to his forhead and asks the man if he has been drinking. The man behind the wheel replys "No I'm on patches".

[FenianEel]

An Irish priest is in church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions.
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession...........

"Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession.
These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Fanny Green."
"That is your sin?" "Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one 'Our Father.'"
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week
for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly
popular with his male parishioners...
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
You are forgiven.
Go out and say three 'Hail Marys.'"
The man leaves.
Soon, another man enters and kneels down.
"Father, it has been six months since my last confession.
These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week
for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Fanny Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father."
"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Marys.'"
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves
wondering who this Fanny Green woman is.....

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass.
The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman,
a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair,
a green sequin dress, green patent leather shoes with sequined
heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of
the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy.
"Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?"
The altar boy has a look and says,


"No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[Knight]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT .... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pi$$ed.

*************************

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

**************************

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

**************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.

****************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.

******************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

*******************************

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

************************************

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

***************************************

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

****************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

*******************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.



Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her ****"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.


The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.


The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally
nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model
danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests

until she got to the final priest,

Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that
it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in
nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to
rest.

He bent over to pick it up......







Then all the other bells started to ring.

[RichardK]

The Blonde Guy

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."
The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The Blonde Guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishm! an's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated bur ritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde's wife. The Blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[Knight]

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Royal Marine found himself at the Trafalgar 200th anniversary dinner last year.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Marine for conversation.

"Excuse me, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Royal Marine, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[gofish]

Farmer Joe looks out in the chook pen one day & decides the rooster is getting old & its time for a new/youger rooster. After returning from the market he puts the new rooster into the pen. The older one looks over & says, "what are you doing, these are my girls!". The younger replies that he is here to replace him. After some debate the older offers the younger to a race around the barn for the hens in the pen. Off they go with the older rooster running & flapping as hard as he can & the younger one jogging easily behind & laughing at him. The younger figures he will run behind & bolt past at the end....but suddenly the farmer pulls out his shot gun & shoots the younger rooster then turns to his wife & says, "damnit, thats the second gay rooster I've got this week!". https://www.aulro.com/afvb/
boom boom

[FenianEel]

How to sack people

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.” Debra replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.”

[FenianEel]

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jim."

DJ: "Jim, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Jim, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Spain: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Spain: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

[VladTepes]

Sorry I got lost in the fact the radio people were giving away a trip to Spain and not Bali. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[cewilson]

Sorry to those that have read this one before - it is an older one!


<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the
devil.

"You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to
stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three
folks

here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you

have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened

the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He
kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All
he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem
with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was
break rocks all day." commented George. The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked
over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over
him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at
this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!" [/b][/quote]

[RichardK]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him
a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell
in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing
it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after
hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to
the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded
to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of
his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's
going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied

"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

[cewilson]

Fitness


I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "**** Off".



They said "come on it's for spastics and blind kids."



Then I thought..........f@ck, I could win this...........

[cewilson]

When a woman wears leather clothing,
A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally!

Ever wonder why???




















"Because she smells like a new ute" :wink:

[cewilson]

Bunny Story

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do
you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down
on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a thoft
widdle fluffy white wabbit like this one, or a thmart looking bwack
wabbit like that one, or one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over
there?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet
pyfon gives a ****."

[FenianEel]

http://www.bluechipreview.com/bestcommercialever.mpg

Did the politicians use this in the debate?

[RichardK]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes,

and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."

[RichardK]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME
WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS.
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE
REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

[Knight]

(an oldie, but still a goodie)

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">THE HITMAN</span>

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not,! " he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with
her...... He's naked, too!!! The b**ch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth."
"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d**k off
to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here....." https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ 8O https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[cewilson]

Another oldie but goodie


A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.

The final four were:


4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.



3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call,
we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there.

My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.



2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize." But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push
in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.



1st Place.
And the winner is .

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat".

[maggsie]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

What was that for?" He asks.

That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name
Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races.

Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".

His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologised.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"



"Your f ###in horse phoned!"

[Captain_Rightfoot]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?"

The fellow said "No",

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in"

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[antvc]

Three nuns were travelling home from a Bible Support Group meeting late one
dark and stormy night....

Suddenly through the pouring rain there was a brilliant flash of lightning
and a massive crash of thunder.

The nun driving the car was so frightened that she swerved off the road,
lost control of the car, it plummeted over the side of an embankment, and
eventually came to rest at the bottom of a steep hill, but only after
smashing headlong into a tree, killing all three nuns instantly...

A split second later, the three nuns, caught in mid-scream, appeared at the
pearly gates of Heaven. St.Peter was there to greet them.

"Hello and welcome!', he said, "These are the pearly gates of Heaven. Before
you pass through into the promised land, you must answer a question, but be
of good cheer, you are all 'of the cloth' and the question is of a religious
nature, so you should have no problem answering it."

He went on to say, "I shall ask this question of you, one at a time. Who
would like to go first?"

The nun who was driving (who was the senior of the three) said, "I Will."

St.Peter looked at her, and asked, "Very well. Your question is: 'Who was
the first Man?'"

The nun looked back at Peter somewhat amazed, but thought to herself 'Gee,
that's an EASY one!' and so quickly replied, "ADAM!"

"Correct!", said St.Peter, and the pearly gates swung open, accompanied by
an orchestra of angels on trumpets and harps, amidst a great glowing light.
The nun passed through, the gates slowly closed, the light was extinguished
and the music stopped.

The remaining two nuns thought to themselves 'Pretty decent special
effects!'

St.Peter looked at the second nun (who was travelling in the passenger seat
next to the driver, and was next in line in the seniority stakes).

"Your question", said Peter, "is this: 'Who was the first Woman?"

'Crikey', thought the nun to herself, 'that's an EASY one!' and quickly
answered, "EVE!"

"Correct!", said St.Peter, and again the pearly gates swung open, with all
the fanfare and dazzling lights as the first nun, and once the nun had
passed through, the gates again closed, and the light and music ceased.

Finally, St.Peter looked at the third nun, who was quite young and only a
novice (hence she was in the back seat in the car), and who was, by now,
very nervous, and anxious that she might answer incorrectly and not be
admitted to heaven.

St.Peter looked sternly at her and asked, "Your question is: 'What was the
first thing Eve said to Adam?'"

Before thinking, the nun blurted out, "Aw, Jeez, that's a HARD one!"

And St.Peter said, "Correct!", and the pearly gates swung open, and the
music blared, and the lights shone.....

[charliebrisbane]

Two nuns were riding their bicycles back to the convent from the village and one turned to the other and said "Gee, I've never come this way before!" and the other replied "Yeh me either it must be the cobble stones."

[charliebrisbane]

Same two nuns were taking a bath together in the large communal tub and the first one asked "Where's the soap?" and with a big grin on her face the second nun replies " It sure does doesn't it"

terrible I know I think I'm going to hell.

[maggsie]

There are many things important in life to keeping a man happy.

It is important for a man to have a woman who is a good cook, and keeps him well-nourished.
It is important for a man to have a woman who is a good conversationalist, and can keep his mind active.
It is important for a man to have a woman who is a good "bed companion", and can keep him well satisfied.
It is important for a man to have a woman who is independently wealthy, and can support him as well as herself.







It is critical that these four women do not meet.

[cewilson]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. but make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you"

The husband begins to tell his story . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.* With great ccompassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very* dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"

[Knight]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">CHUCK NORRIS FACTS. </span>

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Cheers
Knight :wink: [/b]

[Knight]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the
hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was m*sturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his t*sticles rapidly fill with s*men, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his t*sticles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.


In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral s*x on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly,
"Same illness - private health cover. 8O https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

NEW ALCOHOLIC DRINK NAME


Did you hear they have a new name for the alcoholic drink shot called the "C*ck Sucking Cowboy"?

It's now called "The Heath Ledger" https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ 8O https://www.aulro.com/afvb/


(yeah, it was only a matter of time)


Cheers
Knight :wink:
[/b]

[VladTepes]

A Somali arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Aussie for letting me in this country, and giving me
housing, free money, free medical care and free education!" But the
passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says "I no
Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That
person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an
Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an
Australian?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and
asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The Russian lady looks at her
watch, shrugs, and says......"Probably at work!"

[cewilson]

I liked that one Vlads https://www.aulro.com/afvb/


And another one:


An Australian Soldier was attending some university courses between deployments. He had completed tours in Timor, and just returned from Iraq. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting Australia's Soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an arsehole, so He sent me."

[cewilson]

bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar
with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't
serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The
bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we
don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings
who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[cewilson]

Black Lab Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at
the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man
explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His
name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch
this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully
next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and
puts one ! paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and
this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of
his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how
or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's
going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[Steinzy]

That's Great https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[Knight]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.


The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings"

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

...........You're gonna love this........


The bartender says, "You are now.......
<span style="color:blue">
That was a barbitchyouate. </span>"
:roll: https://www.aulro.com/afvb/



Cheers
Knight :wink:

[DEFENDERZOOK]

[size=24]<span style="color:blue">coopers tyres.....</span>

[crump]

ALEXANDER DOWNER.

[Sith]

The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at theentrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and theattributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely goodlooking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous andhelp with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: . Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.....
__________________

[VladTepes]

Sith - so very true. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Knight - a bit slow on the uptake are you ?

[Disco300Tdi]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wool worth's. Just give it a
Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten bucks ... a lot quicker than a
doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woollies. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis
elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve
In two weeks.

"Thank you for shopping @ Woolworths."


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
hurries back to Woollies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st
floor).

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.


"Thank you for shopping at Woolworths"

[Knight]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>Knight - a bit slow on the uptake are you ?[/b][/quote]
Oh come on VladTepes- you know (my sense of humor) better than that!?

How many jokes do i post that are very MALE orientated?!?! - MOST if not all?! so, you'll not get much of a rise outta me for that little joke?! it's quite funny actually https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ (I think i posted it here a couple of months ago anyways?! - might be wrong though?!)

so, in answer to your question - no, not slow - just carefully wording a reply.........

Yeah - for alot of women that is true!!....i do say alot - NOT ALL = and NOT ME :wink:
(you lot are as human as we lot are - we just have MORE FUN BITS!!!)

he he he :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

I'll leave you with that i think :wink:

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[crump]

MMMMMMM fun bits.

[crump]

Menopause Jewellery
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f#cking red mark on his
forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond


Beer

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a
big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up
anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "f**k off, that's what the beer was for!"

[cewilson]

Originally posted by Knight
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>Knight - a bit slow on the uptake are you ?
Oh come on VladTepes- you know (my sense of humor) better than that!?

How many jokes do i post that are very MALE orientated?!?! - MOST if not all?! so, you'll not get much of a rise outta me for that little joke?! it's quite funny actually https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ (I think i posted it here a couple of months ago anyways?! - might be wrong though?!)

so, in answer to your question - no, not slow - just carefully wording a reply.........

Yeah - for alot of women that is true!!....i do say alot - NOT ALL = and NOT ME :wink:
(you lot are as human as we lot are - we just have MORE FUN BITS!!!)

he he he :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

I'll leave you with that i think :wink:

Cheers
Knight :wink:[/b][/quote]


I thought he meant your last post - that I had posted that same joke earlier on in the day just above you! :wink:

[Knight]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>I thought he meant your last post - that I had posted that same joke earlier on in the day just above you! [/b][/quote]

woah 8O - am i having too many conversations again? :oops:

he probably was - so then in answer to THAT question................

Yes......VERY SLOW!

lol https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Bushie]

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it’s his daughter's birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have

Barbie goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie goes shopping for $19.95,
Barbie goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie goes Nightclubbing for $19.95,
And Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken’s furniture."


Bushie

[Bushie]

Two builders (Fred and Bill) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit"

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."
Bill: "No way, he's a stockbroker."
Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees the "suit". Curiosity and several beers get the better of the builder...

Fred: "'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example............Do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden and that you have a large house?"
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Fred: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!"
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!"
Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there - did you ask him what he does?"
Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope?"
Fred: "Well then Bill, you're a wan ker!"


Bushie

[hiline]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

[crump]

11 things not to say if your pulled over.


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Yes i do know what speed i was going, i would have gone faster but you pulled me over !

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer ?.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[cewilson]

A farmer plants a field of vibrators!

What his biggest problem???













Squators!



(Is that one too naughty to have up here???) :oops:

[crump]

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH !!
> > Yes = No
> > No = Yes
> > Maybe = No
> > We need = I want
> > I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
> > We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want
> > you to Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful Do what you want =
> > You'll pay for this later I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you
> > moron!
> > Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead You have to learn
> > to communicate = Just agree with me Be romantic, turn out the lights
> > = I have flabby thighs You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you
> > sweat a lot Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something
> > expensive It's your decision = The correct decision should be
> > obvious by now You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you
> > ever think about??
> > I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
> > on TV How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're
> > really not going to like
> >
> > TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
> > I'm hungry = I'm hungry
> > I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
> > I'm tired = I'm tired
> > Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
> > I love you = Let's have sex now
> > I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
> > What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I love
> > you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
> > May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> > Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
> > Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
> > you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex
> > with you Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
> > have sex with other guys You look tense, let me give you a massage =
> > I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes Let's talk = I
> > am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and
> > maybe then you'd like to have sex with me I don't think those shoes
> > go with that outfit = I am gay

[Disco300Tdi]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway.
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that, neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:


"You've Got Male!"

[Knight]

(oldie, but a goodie)


A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala, "Hey! what are you doing?"

The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is a little dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A large crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The stoned koala looks down and says "Faaaaarrrrk dude ....... how much water did you drink?!!" 8O :roll: https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Cheers
knight :wink:

[Disco300Tdi]

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the local pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for the centipedes house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box...

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F*ng shoes on!

[Coastie]

A man, an ostrich and a cat are sitting in a bar. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have half a beer, but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender pours the beers and says "That'll be $3.40 please." and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer" and the ostrich says "I'll have the same" and the cat says
"I'll have half a glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes routine until late one evening the trio enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well its close to last orders, so I'll
have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.

"That'll be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change from your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me 2 wishes.

My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right, whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there" says the man.

The bartender then asks one other thing, "Sir, what's with the
ostrich and the cat?"






The man replies "My second wish was for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy".

[cewilson]

An elderly couple were attending a church service, about halfway through
she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"


He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[cewilson]

>>>>((((RING)))) ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**
>>>>
>>>>"Hello?"
>>>>
>>>>"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>>>
>>>>"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
>>>>
>>>>After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>>>Paul."
>>>>
>>>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
>>>>
>>>>Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, . . . this is what I want you do. Put the
>>>>phone
>>>
>>>>down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and
shout
>>>>to
>>>
>>>>Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
>>>>
>>>>"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later, the little girl comes
>>>>back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
>>>>
>>>>"And what happened honey?"
>>>>
>>>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
>>>>clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,
>>>>hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>>>
>>>>"Oh my gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>>>
>>>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
>>>>he
>>>>jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
>>>>But, I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
>>>>clean
>>>>it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>>>>
>>>>***Long Pause***
>>>>
>>>>***Longer Pause***
>>>>
>>>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?!? ...Is this 4699 7531??"

[cewilson]

Kids are great!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who
thinks they're stupid, stand up!"




After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher
said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"





"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!"





**************





Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he
asked.





"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.





"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"





***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concer ned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He
wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked
his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I
know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little
Davie how he knew this.





Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ,
are you still in there?!"





****************

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"





Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"





***************

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures tacked
to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of
the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.





"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly
to capture him."





Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"






***************

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing
that?"





His father replied, "Becaus e when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
I buy."





Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy
wants to buy Mom

[Knight]

2 Jokes for all............

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."

:roll: https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life." 8O 8O 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

yeeeuck !

[Knight]

A Pacific cruise liner sinks leaving just three fortunate survivors; Tim,
John and Daisy. All three swim to a nearby tropical island and live there
for a couple of years doing what comes naturally!!
Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both Tim and John at the same time that she ends up taking her own life.

Sad for Tim and John but they get over it and again, nature takes its course!!!

After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are
doing ............................... so they bury her!! 8O 8O https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

(i know - a bit sad that one........)

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[FenianEel]

Speaking of ships........

A ship is at sea with a class of school children who have a won a trip sponsored by Michael Jackson.

Suddenly it hits a rocky outcrop, has a huge hole in its side and starts taking on water and is going to sink. The order to abandon ship is given and panic ensues.

The Captain hollars for the life boats, and yells "Women and children first"
The school teacher jumps in one of the boats and says
"oh *%&$ the children"
Michael Jackson looks at the hole in the ship and says "have we got time?"

[FenianEel]

Happy ending though.....
THey found MJ 3 days later in the middle of the ocean, he was stuck to a Boy.

[drivesafe]

THE POKER PLAYER


Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything
that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously
admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works
Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should
be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at
Bill's house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the
agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed
their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon
entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John
come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes,
he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found
out and after mustering her best poker face, replied,
"Wel l, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised
his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office
this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT is a poker player !

[Knight]

<span style="color:blue">Brokeback Mountain</span>

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the
bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc,What
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
Sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot Sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
Grapenuts Cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure Me,
Doc?"

No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what Your
@ss is FOR!! 8O :roll: https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

(I'm sure it's been around for a while this joke)

CHeers
Knight :wink:

[FenianEel]

Many years ago my Brother in law, who lives just outside of Belfast, had one of the very first VCR's in the North.
Of course, he also had one of the very first porn video's in the North as well! https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

Anyway, the brothers and bro in-laws and other lads, gather round one afternoon to watch said video. I can't use real names here but anyway.....

Wee J, who is about 21, was no stranger to the ladies and just a wee slip of a lad, is watching the video. On screen a young lady has, let's just say, has her mouth full.

There is much laughter and banter, and Wee J, is groaning and looking puzzled, and going, oooh, and ey?

He says to his bro-in-law "Ach, what's she doin' there Ger?"
Ger says, well you know, "it's called a *$**job"
Wee J says "and girls do this?"
Ger says "Aye, J, not all girls, but there's plenty that do"
J says " Yeah, well not in f(*$)%* Ireland they don't!"

[RichardK]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!".

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3:00am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up I cuckooed another
nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick
witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him even
when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =
midnight!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"midnight". He didn't seem ****ed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!

Then he said "we need a new cuckoo clock".

When I asked him why, he said "well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****!" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and then farted".





3

[Knight]

[size=18][b]<span style="color:green">*ST.PATS DAY*</span> Joke

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water." https://www.aulro.com/afvb/ 8O https://www.aulro.com/afvb/


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[RichardK]

Who said men don't have a sensitive side?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they
end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly
teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's
clothes
off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"



The guy says..























"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Once upon a time, and far far away lived a beautiful Queen with
voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for
his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician,
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy
his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.


The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon
Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession
now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing
that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King,
with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the
same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately
summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Pay your bills.

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">> Globilization....
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Question: Which event most clearly shows the extent of
> Globalization?
>
> Answer: Princess Diana's death.
>
> Question: Why?
>
> Answer: An English princess
>
> with an Egyptian boyfriend
>
> crashes in a French tunnel,
>
> driving a German car
>
> with a Dutch engine,
>
> driven by a Belgian who was drunk
>
> on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
> spelling)
>
> followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
>
> on Japanese motorcycles;
>
> treated by an American doctor,
>
> using Brazilian medicines.
>
> This is sent to you by an Australian,
>
> using Bill Gates' American technology,
>
> and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
>
> that use Taiwanese chips,
>
> and a Korean monitor,
>
> assembled by Bangladeshi workers
>
> in a Singapore plant,
>
> transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
>
> knocked off by Indonesians,
>
> unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
>
> and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
>
> That, my friends, is Globalization.</span>

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:blue">Nuclear Power





>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
>
> One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight
> will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
> passenger."
>
> The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it
> slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like
> to discuss?"
>
> The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear
> power?"
>
> The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty
> interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
>
> "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the
> deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse,
> clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
>
> The first guy says, "I don't know."
>
> The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
> qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know *****?"</span>

[FenianEel]

The Men's Names – (scroll down for the women’s names)

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Able - totally useless.
Adam - not very bright and not very pretty, has almost mastered hygiene.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and tall but a liar and a cheat.
Alistair - likes being tied up, and really enjoys playing with train sets
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule. Bad diet.
Andrew - Highly intelligent and wears a kilt. Poor standards of hygiene. Homicidal tendencies.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Looks in the mirror too much.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Avenir - reads too many fantasy books, wears armour to bed.
Baron - Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl’s bottoms and is well hung.
Barnaby - very big, very strong and very gentle, cries a lot.
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bill - thinks he's really popular, thinks all the girls want him ...he's wrong.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - short and squat, has bad breath.
Braden - Drop out and doesn't care, will set record for longest employee at McDonalds.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Not very academic.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide **** and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, he's just a very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Callum - tall and geeky, very defensive.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian. Big muscles.
Carl - horny. bastard, who can't sing.
Carlo - dark and brooding, for some unknown reason girls seem to like him!
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris – pogster boy & loves poo (playing with it).
Christian - Gay but very sexy and seductive.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Clive - trainspotter ... dull as ditchwater.
Cole - nice, funny, and very stupid.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Crispin - Ugly homosexual. Fancies himself. Successful
Curtis - needs constant mothering and reassurance.
Damien - spawn of the devil, but in a good way.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Danny - Wears stylish clothes and has silky womens underwear beneath them.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.
Darwyn - exercises too much, favourite word Ug Daryl - pompous and
overbearing, likes using big words that only he understands.
David - Sensible and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence.
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a ******.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dele - well endowed likes blondes. Looks in the mirror too much
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection.
Dillon - Stupid but well-built, women just use him for sex.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please anybody.
Don - dickhead, nobody likes him.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - thinks he's funny, falls asleep during sex.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
Elis - would rather make model airoplanes than have sex.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy and timid like a little mouse.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and a model mental patient.
Finn - Completely indecisive, suffers terribly with Catholic guilt.
Frank - single helix DNA and it shows.
Fraser - sucks pigs dicks & swallows the lot.
Frederick/Fred/Freddie - wants to rule the world. Loves women
Fritz - Loves playing games. Never wins.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Can't play rugby.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Garry - forever fiddling with himself and wonders why no-one will shake hands.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Gerry - quiet and insecure, a doormat.
Gilbert - Morris dancer, collects antique sweet wrappers.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth. good teacher. crap in bed.
Gordon - big bloke in a dirty raincoat, kinda flashy.
Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham/Graeme - will screw anything.
Grahame - thinks he's better than other Grahams because he has an extra 'e'.
Grant - Short and ugly! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels suicidally sorry for himself.
Harry - Good at sport. Women love him. Blokes hate him.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Haydn - tries hard, succeds rarely.
Heinz - Likes variety in his life. in his fifties. Overweight.
Henry - dull, dull, dull, dull ... likes trains and tweed jackets, probably a science teacher.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.
Howell - sings too much.
Ian - likes to stuff animals and dress up in women's clothing.
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
Izzy - circumsized, but they threw away the wrong bit.
Jake - shy and sweet but a **** when drunk.
Jamie - Devious scum of the earth.
James - can't handle his beer, smells of mayonaise and does wet farts.
Jarrod - Arrogant, stuck-up, pompous and annoying. Loves himself totally
and has lots of mirrors.
Jason - Gayer than a pink fairy winning a trophy at the gayest pink fairy competition.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. which is a problem because
he has bad breath.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection but wanks too much.
Jimmy - Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn't always get up for it.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Bisexual
Joel - arse.
John - has few friends and no life - tends to kill small animals.
Jon - Not too bright will end up married to a cousin.
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's ****. Looks in the mirrror too much.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Hung like a wildebeest.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Julian - used to be a wooden boy, but is now almost real with a big nose.
Junior - Not very clever, but good at football.
Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight.
Kain - one of the sexiest guys alive but very stuck up.
Keegan - always has a bit of his last meal displayed on his clothes.
Kev - lager lout, wears cheap and loud clothes.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends and then loses them when they see his dick!
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kerry - wants to be in a boy band but he's not pretty enough.
Kirk - good looking, worries that he might be gay.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Levi - same as Lee only not so pretty.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Welsh
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet.
Madison - so far up his own arse there's no room for his boyfriend.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. And is gay!!!
Mark - Good looking and very clever. Every woman would if she could.
Marshall - Never seems to age, this is because he is in fact an anderoid!
Martin - Stud. Loves himself. would make a good lawyer.
Matt – is a total pork sword ( & sword swallower) & is full of **** too.
Matty - Life and soul of the party, could get a corpse dancing.
Menno - built like a horse. Only does it doggy.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl. Doesn't like
to work too hard. Sexual deviant
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mintesh - boy racer, the arsehole who drives with the stereo too loud and
the windows down even though it's cold!
Mitchell - big bloke, sweats a lot, usually pure alcohol.
Mohammed - small penis, but still really enjoys playing with it.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - inbred - can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed but
only on his own.
Noel - only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - complete loser, hated by his parents.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative.
Phillip - homophobic, image conscious ****, likes to **** poodles.
Ramsey - thinks he's posh but is actually a knob.
Raymond - doesn't like to be called Ray because it sounds too 'straight'.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big
Ricky - ugly ****head who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above, but can't even spell.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Robin - Ugly and not very bright, probably a teacher.
Roger - acts like a ****** when drunk ... Permanently drunk!
Rory - men are only nice to him so they can talk to his sister.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant **** who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Pantomime dame
Ryan - short and stout, but popular.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Sandeep - complete anorak, owns a metal detector.
Scott - has serious disabilities. likes winter sports
Sean - has small deformed testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Shannon - like the, river wet and full of ****.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.
Sonny - thinks he's tough and proves it with young girls and boys.
Spencer - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster
Taylor - Gay, gay, gay, gay ....
Terry - small and wirey with a nasty temper.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - cool but can be very arrogant.
Tomas - part-druid, likes to dance round things naked.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. tendency to megalomania
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Tyrone - Big bloke with a gay moustache, but nobody dares tell him.
Ty - small and kind of shrivelled.
Var - adventurous type, can't sit quietly and so is very annoying.
Wade - huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest.
Walter - Rich, but with no taste in anything, so the money is a bit of a waste.
Wasim - Good at sport. Likes bondage. Intelligent.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Picks his nose alot.
Wesley - great guy and easy to not notice.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - not very tall, but ultra-cool.
Zach - sweet and polite and twisted.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Women's Names

Abby - agony aunt, always willing to explain about your confused sexuallity.
Ada - blue haired, smells of wee.
Adie - quiet and shy, but when you get to know her .. quiet and shy.
Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs.
Alana - pretty and popular, but with very dark secrets.
Alexandra - popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe.
Alice - likes horses but looks like Kermit's girlfriend.
Alicia - pretty and knows it, watches herslf go by in shop windows.
Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Alyssa - wants to be 'exotic', but only manages to be 'strange'.
Amanda - I.Q. smaller than her bra size, a good shag, but she does practice a lot.
Amber - stereotypical exotic dancer, not too bright but very flexible.
Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Likes any man not wearing trousers
Anastasia - overly-loud, wears clothes 2 sizes too small.
Andrea - Small breasts, small arse, drinks pints and plays a mean game of pool.
Andrina - dark and sultry, pretends she's a Russian spy.
Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets.
Anita - Beautiful girl with perfect hair and a body to die for.
Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - She's BIG, like really BIG!!.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.
Anne-Marie - Gorgeous and with a great taste in blokes, has perfectly
formed breasts
Annie - Drinks too much, always wakes up next to ugly guys.
Ashlee - Dyslexic and spends all day thinking about secs.
Aurora - Beautiful and sexy, every mans dream ,but sadly swings the other way.
Azaria - Beautiful and exotic with the brain power of an orchid.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Wears alot of make up
Bea - Beautiful, sexy, original, but nearly impossible to satisfy in bed.
Becky - one of the boys, knows about football and cars, unusually tall.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.
Beth - Empty headed, big breasted, and easy.
Bettina - Dominatrix.
Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp.
Bianca - Ginger. big mouth.
Birgit - big scarey woman, likes small blokes she can intimidate.
Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Cait - Bow-legged country girl, really loves her horses.
Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Cara - lazy girl, eats too much junk-food and yet doesn't get fat - annoying.
Carie - just like the movie, a scary freak.
Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Carla - Down to earth with good child-bearing hips.
Carly - Party animal until she gets too drunk to stand up.
Carol - Bubbly, life and soul of the party and the bedroom.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears, picks her nose and shops at oxfam.
Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Chaz - life and soul of the party, plays the piano and then strips to her own music.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Chloe - Usually a weather-girl or a failed wannabe weather-girl.
Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.
Christina - Drop dead gorgeous and with a different bloke each night, well practiced.
Ciji - strange girl, sleeps with a vibrating teddy-bear.
Claire/Clare/Clair - Usually neurotic, gives good head but can have lesbian tendencies.
Courtney - Bit of a 'tomboy', rolls her own tampons.
Daisy - Virgin, works on a farm because she likes the way the tractor vibrates.
Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Debra/Debby - Porn star.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Dee - Enormous mouth, gets a lot of work in porn movies.
DeeDee - cannot understand why no-one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.
Di - Enjoys receiving oral sex, but doesn't like giving it.
Diana - Cuddly, which is a shame because she smells like cheese.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Dorthe - smells of herrings, obsessed with over-sized sex toys.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. average breasts.. likes sharp edges.
Eleanor - Very posh, always washing her hands, but likes her sex dirty.
Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens.
Ella - Fiery temper, but when she's not shouting she's as cute as a kitten.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.
Ellen - Could well have eaten all the pies.
Elma - Shy, easily dominated by men.
Elsa - Kind of old fashioned, but with beautiful big hair.
Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Erminia - Small and graceful, slightly psychotic.
Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Eve - Shy timid creature until she has a drink, then she becomes very loud.
Evonne - Much happier now that the sex change operation was a success.
Faith - Legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - One of the boys .. except that she has the most enormous nipples.
Fern - Posh with a large mouth, can hold a conversation whilst giving head.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, badly needs a shave.
Fiyza - Very sexy, she knows it and she flaunts it
Francess - A lovely lady even if she is as common as muck!
Frankie - Wears leather underwear, if it's quiet you can hear her buzzing.
Gabriel - An arse to die for but pads her bra with tissues.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks ****e all day.
Gaynor - Wanna-be Lesbian who can't pull the girls.
Gemma - Talks too much, even during sex, even during oral sex!
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Georgia - Loves her cakes, would rather have gateau than sex.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Grace - petite and pretty, ****s like a rabbit.
Grainne - Giggles excessively, sometimes wets herself.
Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Harriet - Wears tweed and green wellies to the pub.
Hayley - Pretty, likes fast cars and slow men.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, bit of a screamer.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong rowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn and is totally neurotic.
Helena - Likes to be in charge, wears a lot of black rubber.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins, hates Nazis.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Isobel - Motorbike gang leader, sells guns for pocket money.
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Jade - I once had a Jade, but hasn't everybody??
Jalaine - Strange, introverted girl, secretly into plastic model aeroplanes.
Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.
Janette - She's hot and she knows it, a *****-teaser.
Janice - Loud and over-the-top, tends to talk with her hands.
Jarla - Kinda like a female Ali-G only not as funny.
Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jean - hangs around with old blokes and let's them buy her stuff.
Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Jenni - bone idle hence the tendency to shorten long words.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica - Always shags on the first date and sometimes even before it.
Joanne/a - Moans in her sleep, moans when she wakes up, can't cook.
Jo - Bisexual and proud of it.
Joelle - Lively, exciting, jolly and fun ... sometimes too much so!
Josephine - Likes to be tied up and teased.
Jody - Dresses like a boy and eats live frogs for breakfast.
Joyce - Never stops talking ... for God's sake shut up woman!
Judith - Big eyes, big tits, big problem with ballance.
Judy - Huge tits, married to a retard.
Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes
Juliet - Eats too many chips, has greasy hair and a hairy arse.
Justine - Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - Likes outdoor sex, preferably with a chance of getting caught.
Kacie - cute and adorable, but prone to sulking.
Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - kisses with her tongue and can hold a conversation whilst doing it.
Katherine - old-fashioned girl, giggles when anyone mentions naughty words.
Katy - Tom boy, likes her sex dirty, usually outdoors.
Katie - likes blokes and team sports, preferably both together.
Kayleigh - The Lara Croft of Essex, great in bed (practice makes perfect)
Keira - person most likely to start a cult, related to Starlin.
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kelley - not very bright, can't spell Kelly.
Kelsey - Very clever, wears glasses, boys scare her.
Kerran - tries to be mysterious, but everyone has been there.
Kerry - pretty, cute, and changes underwear once a week.
Kiersten - very sexy to look at, hard to please in bed.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.
Krista - Cool and pretty, tends to daydream all day and sleepwalk all night.
Kristy - Shy until she gets drunk, prone to spots.
Kristen - Emotionally stunted, thinks Robot-Wars is cruel and should be banned.
Kylie - Can't sing but who cares ... lovely arse.
Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Dominatrix
Lauren – Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Leanne - eats a lot of raw meat, most guys are scared of her.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leonie - Tall girl who likes short boys, it's a power thing.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Leyla - Hot and horny, the girl that always will.
Lily - Makes a good friend, doesn't take crap from anyone.
Linda - Teenage bride can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainy.
Lizbeth - Sensible and serious, can talk without moving her lips.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies
Lorrie - Named after the vehicle she weighs the same as.
Louise/a - Likes to get around, fantastic breasts.
Luci - cute and loveable
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
Lynn - Funny and sexy, everything a bloke wants in a woman.
Lynnette - Has the attention span of a budgerigar, likes pretty things.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Madusa - Really likes men, preferrably grilled with a side salad.
Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.
Mairi - Quiet and shy but incredibly clever, secretly planning to take over the world.
Mandy - Cute and cuddly, thick as a short plank.
Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - Bangs like a barn door.
Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marion - stuffs her bra with tissue, a bit cross-eyed.
Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - Ugly lesbian.
Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Mary - Likes men with long tongues and talented fingers.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Mavis - seems nice until you notice the black cat, broomstick and pointed hat.
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Meghan - Cold, hard-hearted bitch, enjoys upsetting little children.
Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melinda - Trailer trash ... pretty, plump, and infected.
Melissa - Eats dogs, has been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - Big butt, small brain.
Molly - Pretty and naive, would like to be slimmer, wears clothes with too many flowers.
Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.
Nadine - Stunt Lady, can drink any bloke under the table! Don't mess with her.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.
Narelle - Likes dressing up as a French maid but not French.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Niamh - Quiet and cute, secretly wears mens under-wear.
Nicci - Pretty, blonde, nicely dressed and vacant.
Nichola - quiet, studious type, wears glasses, a tiger in bed.
Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nicole - small sweet and with nice hair, should wear underwear more often.
Niki - wannabe mysterious spy but not bright enough.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Nissa - speach impediment causes her to hiss, fond of reptiles.
Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Olive - usually accompanied by a couple of people in white coats.
Olivia - Gorgeous and knows it, has to sew herself into her trousers..
Olwyn - stupid name, welsh, just unlucky I guess.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Patricia - Obsessive about appearances, yet denies that she's shallow.
Pat - short and common, one of the lads and a bit of a laff.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.
Peggy - Wears outdated clothes and will only do missionary position.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes her men to be stiff.
Peta - Rough and tough, seriously into bondage.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Phyliss - Thinks sex is dirty, always washing her hands.
Polly - nice girl with really bad dress-sense, fashion disaster, it's a shame.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Preya - can't cook or clean but good in bed.
Prudence - sensible girl, wears flat shoes, but will shag anything in trousers.
Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rebekah - Not very bright, pretty, but sometimes forgets to bathe.
Renee - Huge breasts, but wishes blokes would notice her mind.
Romany - Wild and beautiful, swings both ways.
Rosalind - Upper-class lady but works as a secret agent when the government needs her.
Rose - Can be prickly, gives good head.
Rosemary - Very shy, nearly always seen with a bright red face.
Roz - Only enjoys sex when she's tied up and spanked first.
Rula - She measures up well.
Ruth - Has stretch marks around her mouth.
Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up.
Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sara - Air-head, with a gorgeous body to compensate.
Sarah - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sarah-Jane - 'posh' girl, will screw anything in a BMW.
Sasha – Looks dreadful the morning after. Smokes cigars
Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Shannon - Beautiful, curvaceous, should be a model.
Sharon - The original bitch queen, uses everyone she meets.
Shauna - Lives in a trailer, has 16 kids each with a different surname.
Shelly - very cute, but a bit of a soft-hearted slapper.
Sheree - Cute, but very loud! desperately needs a volume control.
Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Shona - Librarian by day, exotic dancer by night.
Sinead - Wears big knickers and a vest, but is secretly very sexual.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Silka - Appears shy, but secretly Miss Whiplash the dominatrix.
Silke - Only ever has sex outdoors near her favourite tree.
Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.
Sonya – intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sophia - Beautiful girl with long legs, a shame her arse is the size of a small country.
Sophie - Brothel manager because she's too ugly to be a working girl.
Stacey - Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stella - reassuringly expensive, she's worth every penny!
Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Very fertile.
Summer - wears flowers in her hair, a pretty dress, and no knickers.
Sylvia - loves the outdoors. Mad.
Tammy - Kind-hearted and generous, particularly in the bedroom.
Tanya/Tania - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper class slapper, enjoys ranom chemicals.
Teresa - surprisingly small given the amount of alcohol she drinks.
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - Lives in a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
Tracey - Lesbian.
Ursula - Likes puppies,usually in a hot curry.
Val - usually drunk, doesn't know where her knickers are.
Valerie - quaint and old-fashioned, someones aunt.
Vanessa - Beautiful, power-crazy bitch.
Veronica - closet lesbian who sleeps around to prove she isn't!
Vicki - Likes Yoga. And Women.
Vikki - Drinks anything so long as it's got vodka in it.
Wendy - Possibly a man.
Zakia - Wants to be a spy when she grows up, but needs to wash more often.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.

[FenianEel]

The Men's Names – (scroll down for the women’s names)

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Able - totally useless.
Adam - not very bright and not very pretty, has almost mastered hygiene.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and tall but a liar and a cheat.
Alistair - likes being tied up, and really enjoys playing with train sets
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule. Bad diet.
Andrew - Highly intelligent and wears a kilt. Poor standards of hygiene. Homicidal tendencies.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain. Looks in the mirror too much.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Avenir - reads too many fantasy books, wears armour to bed.
Baron - Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl’s bottoms and is well hung.
Barnaby - very big, very strong and very gentle, cries a lot.
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bill - thinks he's really popular, thinks all the girls want him ...he's wrong.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - short and squat, has bad breath.
Braden - Drop out and doesn't care, will set record for longest employee at McDonalds.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls. Not very academic.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide **** and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, he's just a very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Callum - tall and geeky, very defensive.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian. Big muscles.
Carl - horny. bastard, who can't sing.
Carlo - dark and brooding, for some unknown reason girls seem to like him!
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies, no real person has that name.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris – pogster boy & loves poo (playing with it).
Christian - Gay but very sexy and seductive.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Clive - trainspotter ... dull as ditchwater.
Cole - nice, funny, and very stupid.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Crispin - Ugly homosexual. Fancies himself. Successful
Curtis - needs constant mothering and reassurance.
Damien - spawn of the devil, but in a good way.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Danny - Wears stylish clothes and has silky womens underwear beneath them.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.
Darwyn - exercises too much, favourite word Ug Daryl - pompous and
overbearing, likes using big words that only he understands.
David - Sensible and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence.
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a ******.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dele - well endowed likes blondes. Looks in the mirror too much
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection.
Dillon - Stupid but well-built, women just use him for sex.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please anybody.
Don - dickhead, nobody likes him.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - thinks he's funny, falls asleep during sex.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
Elis - would rather make model airoplanes than have sex.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy and timid like a little mouse.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and a model mental patient.
Finn - Completely indecisive, suffers terribly with Catholic guilt.
Frank - single helix DNA and it shows.
Fraser - sucks pigs dicks & swallows the lot.
Frederick/Fred/Freddie - wants to rule the world. Loves women
Fritz - Loves playing games. Never wins.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight. Can't play rugby.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Garry - forever fiddling with himself and wonders why no-one will shake hands.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Gerry - quiet and insecure, a doormat.
Gilbert - Morris dancer, collects antique sweet wrappers.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth. good teacher. crap in bed.
Gordon - big bloke in a dirty raincoat, kinda flashy.
Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham/Graeme - will screw anything.
Grahame - thinks he's better than other Grahams because he has an extra 'e'.
Grant - Short and ugly! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels suicidally sorry for himself.
Harry - Good at sport. Women love him. Blokes hate him.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Haydn - tries hard, succeds rarely.
Heinz - Likes variety in his life. in his fifties. Overweight.
Henry - dull, dull, dull, dull ... likes trains and tweed jackets, probably a science teacher.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography.
Howell - sings too much.
Ian - likes to stuff animals and dress up in women's clothing.
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
Izzy - circumsized, but they threw away the wrong bit.
Jake - shy and sweet but a **** when drunk.
Jamie - Devious scum of the earth.
James - can't handle his beer, smells of mayonaise and does wet farts.
Jarrod - Arrogant, stuck-up, pompous and annoying. Loves himself totally
and has lots of mirrors.
Jason - Gayer than a pink fairy winning a trophy at the gayest pink fairy competition.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well. which is a problem because
he has bad breath.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection but wanks too much.
Jimmy - Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn't always get up for it.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head. Bisexual
Joel - arse.
John - has few friends and no life - tends to kill small animals.
Jon - Not too bright will end up married to a cousin.
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's ****. Looks in the mirrror too much.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed. Hung like a wildebeest.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Julian - used to be a wooden boy, but is now almost real with a big nose.
Junior - Not very clever, but good at football.
Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful and overweight.
Kain - one of the sexiest guys alive but very stuck up.
Keegan - always has a bit of his last meal displayed on his clothes.
Kev - lager lout, wears cheap and loud clothes.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends and then loses them when they see his dick!
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kerry - wants to be in a boy band but he's not pretty enough.
Kirk - good looking, worries that he might be gay.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Levi - same as Lee only not so pretty.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser. Welsh
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet.
Madison - so far up his own arse there's no room for his boyfriend.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers. And is gay!!!
Mark - Good looking and very clever. Every woman would if she could.
Marshall - Never seems to age, this is because he is in fact an anderoid!
Martin - Stud. Loves himself. would make a good lawyer.
Matt – is a total pork sword ( & sword swallower) & is full of **** too.
Matty - Life and soul of the party, could get a corpse dancing.
Menno - built like a horse. Only does it doggy.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl. Doesn't like
to work too hard. Sexual deviant
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mintesh - boy racer, the arsehole who drives with the stereo too loud and
the windows down even though it's cold!
Mitchell - big bloke, sweats a lot, usually pure alcohol.
Mohammed - small penis, but still really enjoys playing with it.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - inbred - can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed but
only on his own.
Noel - only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - complete loser, hated by his parents.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - Likes sheep more than girls, will probably end up married to a relative.
Phillip - homophobic, image conscious ****, likes to **** poodles.
Ramsey - thinks he's posh but is actually a knob.
Raymond - doesn't like to be called Ray because it sounds too 'straight'.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big
Ricky - ugly ****head who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above, but can't even spell.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Robin - Ugly and not very bright, probably a teacher.
Roger - acts like a ****** when drunk ... Permanently drunk!
Rory - men are only nice to him so they can talk to his sister.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant **** who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole. Pantomime dame
Ryan - short and stout, but popular.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Sandeep - complete anorak, owns a metal detector.
Scott - has serious disabilities. likes winter sports
Sean - has small deformed testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Shannon - like the, river wet and full of ****.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.
Sonny - thinks he's tough and proves it with young girls and boys.
Spencer - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster
Taylor - Gay, gay, gay, gay ....
Terry - small and wirey with a nasty temper.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - cool but can be very arrogant.
Tomas - part-druid, likes to dance round things naked.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around. tendency to megalomania
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Tyrone - Big bloke with a gay moustache, but nobody dares tell him.
Ty - small and kind of shrivelled.
Var - adventurous type, can't sit quietly and so is very annoying.
Wade - huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest.
Walter - Rich, but with no taste in anything, so the money is a bit of a waste.
Wasim - Good at sport. Likes bondage. Intelligent.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy. Picks his nose alot.
Wesley - great guy and easy to not notice.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - not very tall, but ultra-cool.
Zach - sweet and polite and twisted.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Women's Names

Abby - agony aunt, always willing to explain about your confused sexuallity.
Ada - blue haired, smells of wee.
Adie - quiet and shy, but when you get to know her .. quiet and shy.
Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs.
Alana - pretty and popular, but with very dark secrets.
Alexandra - popular but very loud, sometimes forgets to bathe.
Alice - likes horses but looks like Kermit's girlfriend.
Alicia - pretty and knows it, watches herslf go by in shop windows.
Alison - bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Alyssa - wants to be 'exotic', but only manages to be 'strange'.
Amanda - I.Q. smaller than her bra size, a good shag, but she does practice a lot.
Amber - stereotypical exotic dancer, not too bright but very flexible.
Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted. Likes any man not wearing trousers
Anastasia - overly-loud, wears clothes 2 sizes too small.
Andrea - Small breasts, small arse, drinks pints and plays a mean game of pool.
Andrina - dark and sultry, pretends she's a Russian spy.
Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets.
Anita - Beautiful girl with perfect hair and a body to die for.
Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - She's BIG, like really BIG!!.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.
Anne-Marie - Gorgeous and with a great taste in blokes, has perfectly
formed breasts
Annie - Drinks too much, always wakes up next to ugly guys.
Ashlee - Dyslexic and spends all day thinking about secs.
Aurora - Beautiful and sexy, every mans dream ,but sadly swings the other way.
Azaria - Beautiful and exotic with the brain power of an orchid.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance. Wears alot of make up
Bea - Beautiful, sexy, original, but nearly impossible to satisfy in bed.
Becky - one of the boys, knows about football and cars, unusually tall.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.
Beth - Empty headed, big breasted, and easy.
Bettina - Dominatrix.
Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp.
Bianca - Ginger. big mouth.
Birgit - big scarey woman, likes small blokes she can intimidate.
Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Cait - Bow-legged country girl, really loves her horses.
Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Cara - lazy girl, eats too much junk-food and yet doesn't get fat - annoying.
Carie - just like the movie, a scary freak.
Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Carla - Down to earth with good child-bearing hips.
Carly - Party animal until she gets too drunk to stand up.
Carol - Bubbly, life and soul of the party and the bedroom.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears, picks her nose and shops at oxfam.
Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Chaz - life and soul of the party, plays the piano and then strips to her own music.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Chloe - Usually a weather-girl or a failed wannabe weather-girl.
Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.
Christina - Drop dead gorgeous and with a different bloke each night, well practiced.
Ciji - strange girl, sleeps with a vibrating teddy-bear.
Claire/Clare/Clair - Usually neurotic, gives good head but can have lesbian tendencies.
Courtney - Bit of a 'tomboy', rolls her own tampons.
Daisy - Virgin, works on a farm because she likes the way the tractor vibrates.
Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Debra/Debby - Porn star.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Dee - Enormous mouth, gets a lot of work in porn movies.
DeeDee - cannot understand why no-one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.
Di - Enjoys receiving oral sex, but doesn't like giving it.
Diana - Cuddly, which is a shame because she smells like cheese.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Dorthe - smells of herrings, obsessed with over-sized sex toys.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths. average breasts.. likes sharp edges.
Eleanor - Very posh, always washing her hands, but likes her sex dirty.
Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens.
Ella - Fiery temper, but when she's not shouting she's as cute as a kitten.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth.
Ellen - Could well have eaten all the pies.
Elma - Shy, easily dominated by men.
Elsa - Kind of old fashioned, but with beautiful big hair.
Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Erminia - Small and graceful, slightly psychotic.
Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Eve - Shy timid creature until she has a drink, then she becomes very loud.
Evonne - Much happier now that the sex change operation was a success.
Faith - Legs meet at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - One of the boys .. except that she has the most enormous nipples.
Fern - Posh with a large mouth, can hold a conversation whilst giving head.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, badly needs a shave.
Fiyza - Very sexy, she knows it and she flaunts it
Francess - A lovely lady even if she is as common as muck!
Frankie - Wears leather underwear, if it's quiet you can hear her buzzing.
Gabriel - An arse to die for but pads her bra with tissues.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks ****e all day.
Gaynor - Wanna-be Lesbian who can't pull the girls.
Gemma - Talks too much, even during sex, even during oral sex!
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Georgia - Loves her cakes, would rather have gateau than sex.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Grace - petite and pretty, ****s like a rabbit.
Grainne - Giggles excessively, sometimes wets herself.
Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Harriet - Wears tweed and green wellies to the pub.
Hayley - Pretty, likes fast cars and slow men.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, bit of a screamer.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong rowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn and is totally neurotic.
Helena - Likes to be in charge, wears a lot of black rubber.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins, hates Nazis.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Isobel - Motorbike gang leader, sells guns for pocket money.
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Jade - I once had a Jade, but hasn't everybody??
Jalaine - Strange, introverted girl, secretly into plastic model aeroplanes.
Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.
Janette - She's hot and she knows it, a *****-teaser.
Janice - Loud and over-the-top, tends to talk with her hands.
Jarla - Kinda like a female Ali-G only not as funny.
Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jean - hangs around with old blokes and let's them buy her stuff.
Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Jenni - bone idle hence the tendency to shorten long words.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica - Always shags on the first date and sometimes even before it.
Joanne/a - Moans in her sleep, moans when she wakes up, can't cook.
Jo - Bisexual and proud of it.
Joelle - Lively, exciting, jolly and fun ... sometimes too much so!
Josephine - Likes to be tied up and teased.
Jody - Dresses like a boy and eats live frogs for breakfast.
Joyce - Never stops talking ... for God's sake shut up woman!
Judith - Big eyes, big tits, big problem with ballance.
Judy - Huge tits, married to a retard.
Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes
Juliet - Eats too many chips, has greasy hair and a hairy arse.
Justine - Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - Likes outdoor sex, preferably with a chance of getting caught.
Kacie - cute and adorable, but prone to sulking.
Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - kisses with her tongue and can hold a conversation whilst doing it.
Katherine - old-fashioned girl, giggles when anyone mentions naughty words.
Katy - Tom boy, likes her sex dirty, usually outdoors.
Katie - likes blokes and team sports, preferably both together.
Kayleigh - The Lara Croft of Essex, great in bed (practice makes perfect)
Keira - person most likely to start a cult, related to Starlin.
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kelley - not very bright, can't spell Kelly.
Kelsey - Very clever, wears glasses, boys scare her.
Kerran - tries to be mysterious, but everyone has been there.
Kerry - pretty, cute, and changes underwear once a week.
Kiersten - very sexy to look at, hard to please in bed.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.
Krista - Cool and pretty, tends to daydream all day and sleepwalk all night.
Kristy - Shy until she gets drunk, prone to spots.
Kristen - Emotionally stunted, thinks Robot-Wars is cruel and should be banned.
Kylie - Can't sing but who cares ... lovely arse.
Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive. Dominatrix
Lauren – Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Leanne - eats a lot of raw meat, most guys are scared of her.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leonie - Tall girl who likes short boys, it's a power thing.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Leyla - Hot and horny, the girl that always will.
Lily - Makes a good friend, doesn't take crap from anyone.
Linda - Teenage bride can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainy.
Lizbeth - Sensible and serious, can talk without moving her lips.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of jellybabies
Lorrie - Named after the vehicle she weighs the same as.
Louise/a - Likes to get around, fantastic breasts.
Luci - cute and loveable
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
Lynn - Funny and sexy, everything a bloke wants in a woman.
Lynnette - Has the attention span of a budgerigar, likes pretty things.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Madusa - Really likes men, preferrably grilled with a side salad.
Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.
Mairi - Quiet and shy but incredibly clever, secretly planning to take over the world.
Mandy - Cute and cuddly, thick as a short plank.
Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - Bangs like a barn door.
Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marion - stuffs her bra with tissue, a bit cross-eyed.
Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - Ugly lesbian.
Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Mary - Likes men with long tongues and talented fingers.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Mavis - seems nice until you notice the black cat, broomstick and pointed hat.
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Meghan - Cold, hard-hearted bitch, enjoys upsetting little children.
Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melinda - Trailer trash ... pretty, plump, and infected.
Melissa - Eats dogs, has been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - Big butt, small brain.
Molly - Pretty and naive, would like to be slimmer, wears clothes with too many flowers.
Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.
Nadine - Stunt Lady, can drink any bloke under the table! Don't mess with her.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.
Narelle - Likes dressing up as a French maid but not French.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Niamh - Quiet and cute, secretly wears mens under-wear.
Nicci - Pretty, blonde, nicely dressed and vacant.
Nichola - quiet, studious type, wears glasses, a tiger in bed.
Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nicole - small sweet and with nice hair, should wear underwear more often.
Niki - wannabe mysterious spy but not bright enough.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Nissa - speach impediment causes her to hiss, fond of reptiles.
Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Olive - usually accompanied by a couple of people in white coats.
Olivia - Gorgeous and knows it, has to sew herself into her trousers..
Olwyn - stupid name, welsh, just unlucky I guess.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Patricia - Obsessive about appearances, yet denies that she's shallow.
Pat - short and common, one of the lads and a bit of a laff.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.
Peggy - Wears outdated clothes and will only do missionary position.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes her men to be stiff.
Peta - Rough and tough, seriously into bondage.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Phyliss - Thinks sex is dirty, always washing her hands.
Polly - nice girl with really bad dress-sense, fashion disaster, it's a shame.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Preya - can't cook or clean but good in bed.
Prudence - sensible girl, wears flat shoes, but will shag anything in trousers.
Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arsecheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rebekah - Not very bright, pretty, but sometimes forgets to bathe.
Renee - Huge breasts, but wishes blokes would notice her mind.
Romany - Wild and beautiful, swings both ways.
Rosalind - Upper-class lady but works as a secret agent when the government needs her.
Rose - Can be prickly, gives good head.
Rosemary - Very shy, nearly always seen with a bright red face.
Roz - Only enjoys sex when she's tied up and spanked first.
Rula - She measures up well.
Ruth - Has stretch marks around her mouth.
Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up.
Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sara - Air-head, with a gorgeous body to compensate.
Sarah - intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sarah-Jane - 'posh' girl, will screw anything in a BMW.
Sasha – Looks dreadful the morning after. Smokes cigars
Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Shannon - Beautiful, curvaceous, should be a model.
Sharon - The original bitch queen, uses everyone she meets.
Shauna - Lives in a trailer, has 16 kids each with a different surname.
Shelly - very cute, but a bit of a soft-hearted slapper.
Sheree - Cute, but very loud! desperately needs a volume control.
Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Shona - Librarian by day, exotic dancer by night.
Sinead - Wears big knickers and a vest, but is secretly very sexual.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Silka - Appears shy, but secretly Miss Whiplash the dominatrix.
Silke - Only ever has sex outdoors near her favourite tree.
Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.
Sonya – intelligent, funny and very talented when it comes to the naughty stuff.
Sophia - Beautiful girl with long legs, a shame her arse is the size of a small country.
Sophie - Brothel manager because she's too ugly to be a working girl.
Stacey - Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stella - reassuringly expensive, she's worth every penny!
Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave. Very fertile.
Summer - wears flowers in her hair, a pretty dress, and no knickers.
Sylvia - loves the outdoors. Mad.
Tammy - Kind-hearted and generous, particularly in the bedroom.
Tanya/Tania - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper class slapper, enjoys ranom chemicals.
Teresa - surprisingly small given the amount of alcohol she drinks.
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - Lives in a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
Tracey - Lesbian.
Ursula - Likes puppies,usually in a hot curry.
Val - usually drunk, doesn't know where her knickers are.
Valerie - quaint and old-fashioned, someones aunt.
Vanessa - Beautiful, power-crazy bitch.
Veronica - closet lesbian who sleeps around to prove she isn't!
Vicki - Likes Yoga. And Women.
Vikki - Drinks anything so long as it's got vodka in it.
Wendy - Possibly a man.
Zakia - Wants to be a spy when she grows up, but needs to wash more often.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.

[VladTepes]

"Michael" is nearly right. I'm sure you can easily guess which part doesn't apply. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/