Thread: bring out your krudd jokes....

Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.


The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and he demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $9.73 million, the commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

i figured a revision may assist here!


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Jennifer Hawkins and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."

And the robot says...real slowly... "So...............are ya gonna vote for Kevin Rudd again?" ..................
(MICK S –JOKE THREAD #1126)

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "
pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you
to the promised land".

40 years ago, Whitlam said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Krudd has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price
of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in
Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....[/COLOR]Regards
Stevo (Joke thread #1103)

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,
BUT, this one is important.

It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.

Please keep it going!.

To show your support for Kevin Rudd please go to the end of the list and add your name.



























1. Mrs Rudd.
2.

(Mr WHIPPY – Jokes Thread #1108)



The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.

The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said, Do you know that with one little movement of my
hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever
speak of this day and rejoice!"

Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."




So the Pope backhanded the bastard.(The ADMIRAL – Jokes Thread #1096)

Heaven and Hell


While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labor Party leaders were there ..

(and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.' With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit, and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!' (Ron B. P38A Rover – jokes thread #1062)


What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized and can keep a secret.

A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to
be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have
you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a
Pajero and I voted for Kevin Rudd."
(VladTepes Jokes thread #1047)

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there, little girl, I'm Prime Minister Rudd What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked K. Rudd
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.

Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS"
when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then K. Rudd got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."
Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were Labor."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
(MickS jokes thread #1039)

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister. The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion Doc, Rudd is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle". The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him up there in the first place."
(MickS jokes thread #1025)



At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said "As I'm a Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."(Hiline –jokes thread #922)[/COLOR]

thats not all of them.....

cheers
digger.

not a joke but still funny.

Can you figure out the picture riddle in my signature line ????

"I love country music"

(even though I don't)

LITTLE JOHNNIE STRIKES AGAIN




Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be
a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a frigging...... accident
either!'

One sunny day in October, 2010 an old man approached Parliament House from where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Federal Policeman standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Rudd." The Fed looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Rudd is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached Parliament House and said to the same federal policeman, "I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Rudd." The Fed again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Rudd is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached Parliament House and spoke to the very same policeman, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Rudd."

The Fed, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Rudd. I've told you already that Mr. Rudd is no longer the prime minster and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the federal policeman and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Fed snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for
his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images
and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm ‘IN IT TO
WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevin's hand in
his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Kevin Rudd spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves;
I would like to do the same."