Thread: dreamer or funny ads (ebay etc)

just realised the pic doesnt open properly.

go to ebay (aus)
type in "hoist"

read the alternate suggestions.... one is ...well just wrong!!

check out the price on this,

better hurry so as not to miss out!

landrover 1962 s2a lwb ute suit restoration/collector (eBay item 250743157160 end time Dec-22-10 17:49:29 EST)

The ONLY Car EVER REFUSED by WE-BUY-ANY-CAR.COM ~ GTi TURBO CUSTOM SHOW CAR !
OVER TEN POUNDS SPENT ON MODS ~ WATERPROOF PAINT, Etc..



Item condition: Used

Current bid: £8,200.02
[ 40 bids ]
Item location: Central, United Kingdom
Returns:
No returns accepted
Seller information
Member ID mac-dal ( Feedback score of 550)
100% Positive feedback
Description
Seller assumes all responsibility for this listing.Item number: 270860318788

Item specifics - Cars & Other Vehicles
Condition: Used: An item that has been previously used. See the seller’s listing for full details and description of ... Read moreabout the condition

Manufacturer: Bankrupt

Colour: Burberry Check with a hint of desperation

Model: --

Engine Size: --

Type: Custom Show-off



Power: 10

Mileage: 1
Seats: --

Doors: No. No doors. They were stolen. Sorry.

MOT Expiry: --

Model Year: --
Drive Side: Right-hand drive

Reg. Date: --
Road Tax: --
Exterior:
Barbed wire doorhandles, Rubber gear stick, Square steering wheel, Clown doors

Previous Owners: --
Transmission: Manual

Manufacturer's Warranty:

Fuel: No. There's no fuel in it. You'll have to bring your own, I'm afraid.

In-Car Audio: Glovebox has the leftovers of many wraps... could be made into maybe a gramme?

Service History:

--
Interior/Comfort Options:

Driver's seat commode, Five ashtrays, Electrically defeated seats, Some roof...

Safety Features:

There is always a distinctive, alarming smell just before the engine explodes




Relisted due to a timewaster who thought he would get parole before the last auction ended.



WELCOME



Please make sure that all giros, personal injury claims, insurance scams, and loans from Cash Converters will be cleared
in time for you to pay. I'm tired of people messing me about and behaving in exactly the same way that I do with other people.

Don’t buy this car if you are shy and don’t like attention!
Mostly from the police. I'm always being stopped by them. But, don’t worry, that’s only because I’m known to the drug squad
- but they actually love the car! After they strip it apart to search it, they always take the time to put it all back together again.
Often in the right order.

Low start price


To reflect the fact that I’m going to get some mates to bid the price up, if that’s okay with you.

No reserve!
Y

ou bid, you buy! Don’t buy it just to come and complain that there’s something that looks like a bloodstain in the boot ...
or that one of the tyres has been put on inside-out... or that my bull mastiff is savaging your leg while my heavily pregnant
wife gives you the come-on (she never). I’m sick of timewasters! You either want a threesome or you don't!



This is a total ONE-OFF show car. Just like the other one like this that I built last year.
There will NEVER be another. Until next year (watch out for that, coming soon!)







It has also been featured in many magazines, including - Custom Lunatic, Total Imbecile,
Fast Wazzock, and the Metropolitan Police Crime Newsletter!



SPECIFICATION


Engine




The car is fitted with a heavily modified, highly-tuned Flymo lawnmower engine with Spog-Thrust twin turbos, Shaft-
Wang fuel-injection and a Twang-Spag dump valve. It can also be adjusted to cut grass at three different levels.

(I think I must’ve had it set to cut at too short a length when I drove the entire length of the local golf course
because I was chased by loads of angry golfers! Don’t they know that grass grows back? And that muddy
tyre tracks eventually grow over?! Idiots.)

Also has a new stained steel exhaust with a lunchtime guarantee, so no worries until teatime.

TRANSMISSION





Uprated quick-shift gearbox - Note: it does stick a bit in first gear but I always solved this by setting off in second.
Note: sticks in second. But this is solved by free-wheeling downhill until up-to-speed and then going straight into third.
Note: there is no third. I don’t know where it’s gone, absolutely no idea, so I usually quick-shift straight up to fourth.
Note: fourth crunches quite badly.

On the plus side - fifth gear is brilliant! Of all the gears this one is easily the best. But it does sometimes seize up
over 40mph and wrench you around into an uncontrollable spin. And it usually does this, for some reason, when
passing infant schools during home time. (But I will likely get this problem sorted before the auction ends.)

SUSPENSION





Slammed! Lowered sports suspension for the Euro-look that makes it seem like your suspension is completely knackered. Or
that you’re driving around with a car full of sumo wrestlers. Can be a problem over speed bumps so I tend to use the pavement.

I also have the original springs and shocks if you want to return it to its normal ride height - but this does tend to tip the car flat
onto its side when going around corners, hence now having door handles that are flush with the body… as are the wing mirrors.
This only happens when turning right. Or left. Or driving straight. (I'll probably get it fixed by the end of the auction, if I’ve got time.)

ALLOY WHEELS

Ay-mazing 18" ‘Bobby Dazzlers’. Repainted in smoked salmon (not pink!) Unique! I’ve never seen them on another car… other
than the car they were taken off. People really do stop and stare. And point. They cost around £2000 with tyres for the original
owner but my mate got for me them from a car boot sale (while the owner was at the toilet). All tyres are good apart from the
front and the rears. If I get time, I’ll get some good-as-new second hand part-worn remoulded retread tyres for the lucky winner.

BRAKES

Sorry, NO brakes. NONE WHATSOEVER. Quite unusual, I know, but I went for that American hot rod 'no-brakes look'
that is so popular in the States at the moment where it’s all the rage to stop your car by driving it full-belt into whatever’s
in front of you - a brick wall, another car, a petrol tanker, a large spike, a blind man and his dog on a zebra crossing,
your dad on the drive screaming at you ‘NO!’

If you’re not hardcore enough to live with this, look elsewhere!

EXTERIOR MODIFICATIONS

One-off bodykit from Thailand made from discarded chewing gum softened by local lady-boys, which is then
molded into shape and left to harden. It's actually stronger than carbon fibre and comes in four fruit flavours.

Unique Burberry check paint job with a metallic candy flip in Nauseating Gold. There is a boot spoiler... which
is a human bloodstain that does, I admit, totally spoil the boot.

The doors are also a one-off design that swing open unexpectedly when going around corners - hence the added
safety harness on the driver's seat and the unfortunate stains on the passenger's (RIP Latisha).

There is a light crack in the bodywork that starts at the right-hand corner of the front bumper and then travels all
the way around the car, over the roof, across the bonnet and... ends at the right-hand corner of the front bumper.

(It’s hardly noticeable really - as you can see from the pictures I‘ve chosen that don’t show it - but I thought
I’d point it out so you can’t accuse me of being both a liar and highly selective with the photographs.)

INTERIOR

Privacy glass. This is partiularly useful when driving past the Jobcentre on your way to work when you've
used the excuse of your grandma's funeral as a reason to skip signing on.

There is a top-notch sound system in the car that cost £3,000 new and is now worth at least £50. I have the
photocopied paperwork of my mate’s brother's receipts for his sound system to prove. Not sure what it proves,
but it proves something. Probably that my mate's brother bought his sound system and didn't nick it. Which is
great, because we then nicked it from him, so it's good to have the receipts.



PEOPLE CANT STOP STARING AT IT OR TAKING PICTURES WHEREVER I GO.


Especially traffic police... speed cameras... laughing girls... and two guys in a Ford Mondeo
at the bottom of our road that I think are from the Benefit Fraud Office.



THE PHOTOS DO NOT DO THE CAR JUSTICE!


Mostly because they show far too much of it, to be honest. But I couldn’t switch off the camera flash.
I do have some darker photos of the car which show it in a much better light - hardly any at all - taken
at midnight in the car park of an out-of-town JJB Sports when I was waiting to score.




IT IS WELL WORTH A LOOK!!
Whether or not it’s worth risking your life driving it is another matter! Ha ha. Only joking.
It’s easily worth risking your life to drive it.


SO COME ON!! YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!

(And even that can drag on...)



The car has only covered around 3000 miles in the last three years
Due to it only being used for car shows, court appearances, drive-by lootings, and local drug buys.
Always garaged, mainly at the police impound (and you know how well the police look after their cars).


There are what look like the footprints of stiletto shoes on the interior roof lining. I put this down to
the fact that the car was previously owned by Russian gangster with a variety of very colourful 'girlfriends'.


NOTE

:
Car is advertised elsewhere and I reserve the right to stop the auction for the following reasons -


(1) I get arrested for non-payment of child support.
(2) My bail is revoked
(3) Both myself and the car explode in a fireball as I try to outrun the police at 3am one Saturday night/ Sunday morning whilst high on methamphetamine.


EXTRAS:
For the lucky winner I’ll throw in the following for free -
A wheel clamp (damaged)
A steering wheel lock (damaged)
A fire extinguisher (fire damaged)
Furry dice (singed)
A new ignition barrel
A parking ticket (unpaid)
A bottle of bloodstain remover (half used)
A custard cream biscuit (nibbled)



NOTE:
As you might expect, the car is on the HPI register - but only as a Category-A unrepairable total loss write off.
I blame myself. Mostly because there was no one else to blame - even though I looked around. It was 2am, the streets
were deserted, and I shouldn't really have had a girl called Chelsea sat in my lap while I was driving.

I skidded on ice, rolled the car over several times and then slid half-a-mile on the roof down a steep cobbled hill.
Fortunately there was a canal at the bottom to provide a soft landing. Unfortunately it was frozen over, so we slid
upside down on the ice and on the roof of the car for another half-mile. We finally stopped when I crashed into
twenty-five swans whose legs were frozen into the ice.

The car was written off because of the high estimated cost of the repaint… and the potential bill for retrieving swan
feathers from the engine.



So I repaired it myself to the highest standard, trust me. I can assure you. No word of a lie. Believe me.



Mind you, I wasn't the only one that fell foul of the driving conditions that winter...



(photo of rolled police vehicle)

See, that girl Chelsea, she really gets around...


Questions and answers about this item
Item number: 270860318788Questions from other members : The ONLY Car EVER REFUSED by WE-BUY-ANY-CAR.COM ~ GTi TURBO CUSTOM SHOW CAR !
Question & Answer Answered On

Q: ok 4 bourbons and a empty packet of crisps for the custard cream??? 29-Nov-11
A: Now you're talking.

Q: will you swap the custard cream biscuit for 2 bourbons?? 29-Nov-11
A: Well if you're not going to take this seriously...

Q: Ha ha. Will you have my children? Mandy x 29-Nov-11
A: What, just for the evening? You mean while you go for a night out? Bit cheeky, Mandy. I've got things to do. Bits of loose wallpaper to absentmindedly pick at; soup to stir; window cleaners to avoid. That kinda thing.

Q: The bloke in the local paint shop has told me that it is not possible to get tartan paint, but you have got it on this car , can you tell me who the supplier is please 29-Nov-11
A: I'll have to get it checked. Oh, sorry, it already is.

Q: Hey. Sick car bro..... Whats ur buy it now price? Lol 29-Nov-11
A: There's a lot of people called Lol on this website. Are you related to rolf, who is a dislexic that tends to misspell his name?

Q: Hi, I was wondering how many women have you pulled in this car ?? 29-Nov-11
A: It's only ever pulled a small caravan. Unfortuntately, when driving down a steep hill, the caravan overtook me, spun me around and then ended up pulling me the rest of the way to Scarborough. It was quite embarrassing having to face the driver of whichever car was behind us.

Q: Hi, I was wondering where you got this from.. Did it fall off the back of a lorry or did you get it from one eyed pete from the pub? Thanks 29-Nov-11
A: It did fall off the back of the lorry but the lorry happened to be a car transporter delivering to a car showroom, so it kind of makes sense.

Q: Is there any history with the car? Thanks. Jay 29-Nov-11
A: The car was first bought by a German seaman from a Belgian bank manager who had stolen it from the car factory one night while he was drunk after celebrating the birth of his fourth daughter with three other members of the bank in which he worked down at the docks in a bar run by a savage transvestite with a limp and a grudge against the world because he was abandoned as a child and brought up by wolves in the deserts of Nevada where he learned to sleep in the shade of trees during the day and hunt at night until he had eaten his full and until the first glints of the sun appeared over the line of distant mountains piled on the horizon line like shapes assembled by a god willing to hide the full force of the sun long enough to give chance to those who feared it's rising to run and hide and sleep.......... and that was the first owner. There have been 37 other owners since then and the story of those will be published next summer by Penguin and made into a 12-part series of films by Universal.

Q: Hi how's the cars handling corners? Can it last in a police chase? Also if I buy will the police automatically become my friends? 27-Nov-11
A: (1) It handles corners in pretty much the same way I imagine Graham Norton would handle a leggy blonde lap dancer named Candy, that is, with a certain amount of trepidation, a great deal of uncertainty and an innate lack of desire to follow through. (2) It will always come last in a police chase. (3) Yes, they will constantly want to talk to you and come round your house.

Q: do you have a price in mind to end early, cheers pete, 27-Nov-11
A: Pete. Yes, for five pounds I would indeed kill myself. Thanks for asking.

Q: best listing ive ever seen on ebay 27-Nov-11
A: Ta, Trem, but that can't be true. Didn't you see my listing of an electric whisk as a way of exercising lazy goldfish?

Q: haha 27-Nov-11
A: You laughing with me or at me? Or with me at me? Either way...

Q: Does this come with a flux capacitor? Will it even reach 88mph? 27-Nov-11
A: It did once travel at 88mph. But it was on the back of a breakdown truck at the time.

Q: Hi, would you consider swapping it for a range rover and a decent job???? 27-Nov-11
A: I'd prefer a leg-over and something indecent.

Q: Does you have a full service history? 27-Nov-11
A: Yes I does. The car, however, do not.

Q: what oil does it use? 27-Nov-11
A: The car is so old I run in on Grecian 2000.

Q: What is the interior like? Any rips or tears? Thanx. 27-Nov-11
A: What is the interior like? It's like a tart's handbag. There is a squirt of arterial blood dried into the roof lining from a senseless stabbing back in the Seventies. The steering wheel and passenger side dashboard have forehead shaped dents in them - probably as a result of the seat belts not working. The ashtrays are full of enough dockers to probably scrape together a whole one, if you've got the time, the inclination and are rattling bad enough.

Q: Amazingballs! Will you sell the wheels seperately? 27-Nov-11
A: Yes, but only one at a time.

Q: HOW MANY PREVIOUS OWNERS? 26-Nov-11
A: One careful owner. And then thirty-seven lunatics. So 38 in all.

Q: I'm really only intersted in the biscuit. My question is, has it been kept in an airtight container to prevent it from going soggy? Thanks. 26-Nov-11
A: No, it has been kept in Louis Walsh's sequinned thong; the one that he wears to dance in front of a full length mirror whilst rubbing sun dried tomatoes into his chest as he listens to a secretly tape-recorded conversation of Gary Barlow complaining about his squint to Elton John. (And Elton, buy the way, is clearly bored by the whole conversation and keeps breaking into the chorus of 'You're The One For Me Fatty'.)


Page 1 of 2 Go to page


Q: I have a vehicle very similar to this except it has a different number of wheels, is a different shape and colour, and it seats only two. 26-Nov-11
A: I think you'll find you own a motorbike.

Q: Could you please tell me the top speed of this stunning motor! It's a bazinga! Rock on, dude. 26-Nov-11
A: The top speed varies: (1) sometimes the top speed is the point at which the car shudders so much that both the wings and the doors fall off. This happens often. Which is why I usually drive around dressed as a clown; that way,way when the car starts falling to bits I can just pretend I'm on my way to the circus. This is why I've also installed a horn that plays the tune 'Don't Worry Be Happy'. Although you might not want to use that horn if attending a funeral (voice of experience) as seeing a vicar jump in shock and slide into an open grave is not the best way to start a day. (2) At other times the top speed i the speed the car attains just before it hits the rocks after being driven off a cliff (voice of experience).

Q: Ha. I'll give you 50p for the air in the tyres! 26-Nov-11
A: Sorry, I'm afraid I have to have the air back in the head of Amy Childs by the end of the week.

Q: without doubt the funniest thing ive ever seen on ebay best of luck with sale mate 26-Nov-11
A: Thanks, Dad.

Q: whats the shortest sentence in the english language 26-Nov-11
A: This.

Q: I have not laughed this much in a long time Wicked description !!!! Nice car tooo... 26-Nov-11
A: I know, life is long and then you wake up.

Q: haha love it will you be my friend? 26-Nov-11
A: I'm afraid not, no. Oh, go on then...

Q: Hi there. Could I ask you if there is any history to speak of? Many thanks, HH 25-Nov-11
A: Yes, history shows that the car is so unreliable that it was once used in a push by shooting.

Q: What's the overall condition? 25-Nov-11
A: I've never worn an overall.

Q: Could I ask if when it was last tested were there any MOT advisories? Cheers, Skaz 25-Nov-11
A: Yes, the MOT tester advised me to see a psychiatrist and an optician. Possibly because I was talking to a wheelie bin on the garage forecourt under the mistaken impression that it was him. Not entirely my fault as he does have quite a square head.

Q: hiya mate, does the car have any record of being on the register? 25-Nov-11
A: Yes, it is on the sex offenders register for rear-ending a Renault Clio.

Q: You're funny. Do you come with the car? 25-Nov-11
A: Only when driving over cobbles.

Q: hi. is there any mechanical issues that i should know about. cheers, mate 25-Nov-11
A: Just one: when it reaches 30mph it does tend to explode dramatically into flames. This usually only lasts until the body has been completely burnt down to the chassis or until you lose control and fatally crash - whichever happens first. For this reason, it has been rebodied several times. This is also the reason why the V5 currently shows 38 owners... twenty-eight of which are dead. Of the other 10 - six are in prison, three are in psychiatric units, and one is currently now living as a woman. His name is Derek.

Q: ARE YOU ON CRACK 25-Nov-11
A: Well, as I'm sat down, in a way you could say I am...
,,,

eBay Australia: Buy new & used fashion, electronics & home d

this one is a "barn find" and is BARN FRESH!!

HE SAYS ITS ONLY BEEN IN TOP GEAR A HANDFUL OF TIMES AND ITS PRACTICALLY NEVER BEEN OFF THE FARM (ONLY REGISTERE D TO GO FROM ONE FARM PADDOCK TO THE OTHER....ITS GOT 79OOO K ON IT... I DIDNT REALISE ONE PADDOCK WAS IN CEDUNA AND THE OTHER WAS IN VICTORIA!!!)

AND FOR A CAR THAT HASNT BEEN INTO TOP GEAR HE STILL MANAGED TO BREAK THE SPRING!!


YEP I THINK HIS DESCRIPTION IS..... DREAMING!

Originally Posted by digger

just realised the pic doesnt open properly.

go to ebay (aus)
type in "hoist"

read the alternate suggestions.... one is ...well just wrong!!

"Pea shooter" didn't appear when I tried. What do they know about you, Digger?