Joke thread 2

[Knight]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">Redneck 911 Call</span>

A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!


:roll: :roll:


The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

:wink: Knight

[Tyrepower]

Teacher at school giving the kids a Biology lesson, with a big ginger Tom as the subject.
Todays lesson is can anyone tell me how the cats tail is connected to its body.
Little Mary puts her hand up and suggests that it's glued on......
Teacher says wrong anyone else?
Little Sue puts her hand up and says perhaps it's sewn on.
Teacher says wrong again. Anyone else?
Little Johnny puts his hand up, marches to the front of the class, lifts the cat up by the tail, and announces to the class.......... judging by the size of these nuts I would say it's bolted on.

[VladTepes]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful his flatmate, Julie, was.
Watching them interact, she became sure there was more between John and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts John volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but we're just flatmates".
A week later, Julie said to John "Ever since your mother came over, I haven't been able to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
John said "Well I doubt it, but I'll write a letter to mum".
So he writes "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you took the gravy ladle from my house but the fact is its been missing since you were here for dinner."
His mother replied " Dear John, I'm not saying you sleep with Julie, but if she were sleeping in her own bed she'd have found the gravy ladle by now."

[VladTepes]

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while they've got air-conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies "Things are going great. We've got air conditioning, and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God says "What?! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have got down there. Send him up to me."
Satan replies "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him."
God says "Send him back up here, or I'll sue you."
Satan laughs and answers "Yeah right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

[VladTepes]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

Guaranteed. 'Yeah right!' he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me!'

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, 'I like the way this company does business!' The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'

He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

[VladTepes]

A cracker :!: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Click on the link and it will open in media player...

http://www.lachnu.nl/grog/content/filmpjes...s/cowboymey.asf

[bigbugga]

Gee vlad, anyone would think you are trying to build up your count. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[bigbugga]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses. Suddenly she
spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.
As she
bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has
noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as
she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we
help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** yourself
when you hear the price."

[bigbugga]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[Knight]

KERMIT THE FROG!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?) :roll: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Cheers
Knight :wink: