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A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"
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What am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in n out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am.
What am I?
Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert? :twisted:
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Three tortoises, Richard, Adrian and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.
Rich packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble
is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days to get there.
When they get there, Richard unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it"
Rich gets worried, He turns to Adrian, "Did you bring the bottle
opener?"
Naturally Adrian didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
home without a bottle opener. Rich and Adrian beg Wayne to go back
for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Wayne
sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still
isn't back and Rich and Adrian are starving,but a promise is a
promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is
a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out
a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops
up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not f#@%$*g
going
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] ROFL [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
I love it :!:
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WHY I LOVE MY MUM
Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.
Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar
container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot
for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into
the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on
the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to
dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. Stopped by the
desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the
field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the
envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near
her purse.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night
Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her Teeth and
filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then
made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps
and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper,
and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She
said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in
particular. "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought.
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening ? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was! just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"
Cheers
knight :wink:
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one of my all time favourite jokes...
---
Dave
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Little Johnny watched his father's car pass by the school playground
and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw his father and Aunt
Diana in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain
himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mum," little Johnny
exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Diana a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Dad
take his pants off, then Aunt Diana........."
At this point his mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for dinner time. I want
to see the look on your father's face when you tell him tonight."
At the dinner table, Mum asked little Johnny to tell his story. She
listened closely as little Johnny started telling his story about how he
"... saw the car go into the woods, then watched Aunt Diana get undressed,
and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat.... and then Aunt Diana and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill do
when Daddy works away!!!"
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt someone!
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Just another of those little gems of information that some poor soul has agonised over for weeks/months in an effort to understand the female mind. I bet his wife said FINE, followed by a LOUD SIGH and then said GO AHEAD it means NOTHING !!!
Tyrepower
Subject: WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You
will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that
she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty
big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the
truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have
offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing"
Mmmmmm happened to me a few times [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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Real Air Traffic Control Conversations
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351 "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
================================================== =========
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
================================================== ==========
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
================================================== ==========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
================================================== ==========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind
a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
(FYI-B-52 has eight engines)
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane in a beautiful British accent: "Because
you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I
didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? ! I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
