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AVIATION ONE LINERS
Not smart, sky above, runway below, fuel still in the truck.
The difference between a jet and a pilot is that one stops whining soon after landing.
When faced with a forced landing at night turn on the lights, and turn them off again if you do not like what you see.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase head winds
The only time you can have too much fuel is when the a/c is on fire
The one thing worse than a Captain who never flew Co-pilot is a Co-pilot who was once a Captain.
Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from someone else’s bad judgement.
A landing is a controlled mid-air collision with a planet
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is with an a/c and about flying when he is with a woman.
Plus this
Caller to res agent "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola on one of those Computer planes". Res agent knowing his market quick as a flash booked him to Pensacola on a Commuter.
And finally, which might help explain their demise (QNH is the term for Altimeter setting)
ATC "Pan Am One descend to 3 000ft on QNH 1019"
Pan Am One "Could you give me that in inches"
ATC "descend to 36 000 inches on QNH 1019"
Bushie
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains further, saying, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cell-phone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows, and then some. All to no avail.
After over an hour of fruitless searching, he wakes the blonde and hands her a fifty dollar bill. The blonde politely takes the $50.00, and turns away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little upset, nudges the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Bushie
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Here was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Bushie
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8O
I know I shouldnt but I like it [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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> > Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
> > > > other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I
go
> > >
> > > > home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before
> > > > get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage.
> > > > I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the
stairs,
> > >
> > > > get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and
pee
> > > > down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my
wife
> > > > STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
> > > >
> > > > His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking
the
> > > > wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,
storm up
> > > > the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her
on
> > > > the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY??"..." and she acts like she is
asleep
> > >
> > > > every time.
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Another one for aviation fans...
(with a special dedication to Timmo)
http://www.aulro.com/albums/Vlads-ot...ert_hijack.jpg
An all time classic, I reckon. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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A lady and her husband have lost the spark in their marriage. In an effort to spice things up she buys a pair of crotch less stockings. She puts them on and walks over to him whilst he’s working on his car.
Lifting one leg up onto the bumper of the car she says “Hey love how would you like a piece of this”
The husband looks up says “No way look at what it’s done to your undies.”
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Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem ****ed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] LOL!! One of my favorite jokes that Hiline! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it," she replies.
Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologises
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"
Your horse phoned." 8O
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Knight :wink:
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of
breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and
said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same cow." 8O
FOOTNOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Cheers
Knight :wink:
