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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina?'?
"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
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A little boy is walking down the street with a flask of liquid in his hand. A preist walks up to the boy and asks whats in the flask. Hydrochloric Acid replies the boy. Why on earth would you need such a dangerous substance asks the priest. You can do all sorts of cool stuff with it replies the boy. I tell you what says the priest i do you a deal, i will swap you this bottle of holy water for you bottle of HCl. Why on earth would i do that asks the boy. Well says the priest i rubbed this holy water on a womans stomach and she passed a baby. Thats nothing replies the boy, i rubbed this on a cats arse and it passed a motor cycle. Matt
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The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, the
transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: We are a lighthouse.
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I love that one [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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Only a short one
Two flies crawling up a mirror
one fly says to the other
well thats another way of looking at it :roll:
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Two eggs in a pot boiling away
one egg says to the other
jeez it's hot in here
the other egg says
you think this is bad wait till you get outside
they smash your bloody head in.
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A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum!," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mum answered, "Not yet."
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An Scotsman and an Englishman are standing at a bar
When the Englishman stands up and yells loadly
I'm an Englishman
I was born an Englishman
I have lived as an Englishman
And i will die an Englishman
The Scotsman says
Hav ye ney ambition mun [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:- Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!!
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1.You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as
many women as you can - to give them an education!!
