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A french man, an Itailian and an Aussie were talking about their sexual prowess in the bedroom.
The french man says ( use suitable french accent) that when he makes love to his wife she rises 20 centimetres off the bed.
The Itailian says ( use Itailian accent) that when he makes love to his wife, she rises 50 centimetres off the bed.
The Aussie says That's nothing, I make love to my wife and when I finish I wipe my dick on the curtain and she hits the bloody roof.
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible
sports car for speeding She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for
her
driver's license.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture
on
it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her
compact,
opens it and sure enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her
eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says,
If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you
over we could have avoided this whole thing.
Once unpon a time in Brittish India, a Colonel, commander of a regiment, was out with his horse on a hunting trip. He rode his horse down into an overgrown valley in search of game when he stumbled upon an ancient temple hidden in the undergrowth.
Deciding to explore, he entered the temple and began to look around, when form the back of the temple came a haunting womans voice.
"Help me' it said, 'Please help me'.
'Who said that?, show your self' said the Colonel.
'Please, you must help me' said the voice.
The colonel began to move to back of the temple.
'Please, please help' intoned the voice.
As he cut away vines and creepers, the Colonel uncovered an alter upon which stood the life size stone statue of a beautiful maiden amongst the other idols and gods. The statues eyes were enormous emeralds.
Suddenly the eyes glowed a deep green and from the mouth of the statue came the plea 'Please you must help me!'
The Colonel stood rooted to the spot.
"Good god maddam, what has happened to you?'
The statue spoke, 'An evil temple priest has cast a curse on me when I spurned his love and I was turned into this stone statue over 200 years ago' it said.
'Bbbut how can i help you' stammered the Colonel.
'The curse can only be broken if I am made love to, by an English officer'.
'My god madam!' spluttered the colonel, 'I can't do that! Why i'm the Colonel of the regiment, it's just not done!'.
'But you must help me!' begged the statue 'Are there not other officers with you?'.
'Well, I supposed... ' said the Colonel thoughtfully, 'That's it! the Colonel said with conviction ' I'll send young Jones, my adjutent'.
"He's an idle f*@king Bastard!'.
>A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
>"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time
>we started swearing."
>The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
>"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then
>you swear after me, ok?"
>"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
>wants for breakfast.
>"Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
>WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen
>floor, got up,and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
>She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,"And
>what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
>"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops"
CHeers
Knight :wink:
(might i just say, the quality of the jokes in this thread are = GOLD!! - keep it up guys - lovin' this!)
(again, at the risk of upsetting other women in this forum (oops :roll: )
.......here's a 'corker' for the men in here!) - ENJOY :wink:
[size=18]<span style="color:darkblue">Being a man definitely has its perks...</span>
1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the time. (grrrr :wink: )
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
Ain't it the truth!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Cheers
Knight :wink:
Yep [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]
But where would we be without you.
Knight - just like a bolt, a stubbie top untwists anticlockwise.
Carlton Mid thanks. 8)
(prepars exit strategy....)
Does a stubby top untwist? I wouldn't know, they're always open when she brings them to me [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
Knight, you are a girl right?
Your supposed to exhibit solidarity with your sisters!
An Akansas state trooper pull over a redneck for speeding, steps up to his window and asks "Sir, do you have any I.D.?'.
The redneck looks at him and asks,
'About what?'.
Why was the toothbrush invented in Arkansas?
If it had been another state, they'd have called it a teethbrush.
Whats a popular pick-up line in Arkansas?
'Nice Tooth'.
What does a Hurricane in Texas and a divorce in Arkansas have in common?
Well, somebody is fixing to loose a trailer!'.
BAPTIST COWGIRL
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas,we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains,"It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Bushie
I hope these don't offend anybody
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